Is it fair to say i broke up a family in this situation?

eveteranish

Is it fair to say i broke up a family in this situation?

- My husband went to prision for 3yrs. During this time his ex wife and daughter moved out of state. He said while in prision he lost some of his financial assets, and when the money was gone-so was his ex. At that time his daughter was 5yrs old. When my husband got out of prision he had no plans to get back with his ex-even if he had never met me. He had not filed for divorce due to financial reasons. When he and I met he told me he had an ex and child who lived out of state, but said he was already divorced because he thought I may not want to date him if I knew he was married. He filed for divorce 6 months after we met-and did not tell me the truth about his marital status untill his divorce became final a year after we met. I would not have dated him if I knew he was still married when we met.
His ex wife did not want the divorce-not because she loved him, but because she would be better off financialy if they had stayed married. So when he filed for divorce she told him there would never be anouther woman in their daughter’s life if he remarried-as a general statement-she knew/knows nothing about me personaly.
His daughter was never told what he was charged with, and does not know he was in prision. Husband and ex wanted it kept from her-she was told he worked at the prision. Neither my husband or his ex told their daughter they were divorced until a year after the divorce was final. She was 9 when divorce became final, 10 when she was told.
Husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. He has been divorced from ex for 5yrs. I have never met or talked to step daughter on phone-husband talks to them almost every day-and does all visits solo-I’v never been invited. When husband talks to them on phone he I have never once heard him use “we” statements when refering to his and my life-he always uses “I” statements. He says they know I exist,but it’s like I don’t. My husband has let on to them like he and I have been together several years less time than we have been.I once asked “woulden’t his daughter be happier knowing he’s in a long-term relationship with someone who really cares about him, rather than a series of short term flings?”-he said ‘no, she would be less happy to know he’s in a stable relationship’. My husband keeps me and his family 100%seperate. He says they know he’s married-he told them by text message several years ago-and he says they responded “oh that’s nice”-and never said anything about it-he says it never came up in conversation again. He says they don’t see me as his wife-they see me as the “other woman”. His daughter is now 14yrs old.
But is it really fair to chalk me up as a home wreaker or the other woman when they had already not lived as a family for years before we met, and I did not know he was still legally married when we met? He says they are angry he’s with someone else-what’s your take on this?

This open post was written 3 years, 6 months ago | V/U/S: 641, 12, 2 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

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mynewlifemm 0 #
An Unknown Location | 3 years, 6 months ago (4 minutes after post)

Wow… I dont think I could do what you are doing… I am divorced, and I know how hard it is to accept that another woman has influence/impact on my kids. Now the shoe is on both feet, and I am a step mom also… I find it easy to respect their mom’s wishes and not try to “mother” them… I think it is not only good, but our responsibility as parents to show our kids what good, healthy relationships are.
I will keep you in my prayers…

linuxya 1 #
An Undisclosed Location | 3 years, 6 months ago (13 minutes after post)

Recognize that men typically deal with stress by avoiding it. We avoid drama. One way to avoid drama is to do things the way your husband is doing it. It has nothing to do with you being a home wrecker or how he feels about you. He is simply avoiding getting any drama from his ex.

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eveteranish 0 #
An Unknown Location | 3 years, 6 months ago (21 minutes after post)

Yes, I agree about showing/ modeling healthy relationships. As I’v stated I’v never met or talked to step daughter-I am open and intereasted-and have told my husband-I’m not intereasted in “mothering” his daughter-or trying to take over that role. That would not be my place, or my responsibility- she has a mother-what I am intereasted in,is being his daughter’s friend and being a positive adult presence in her life. But I’v never been givin the slightest chance.
I’m not really sure if not meeting daughter is daughter’s choice,ex’s choice, or my husband’s choice-or any combination or all of the above. It just seems I’m the only one who wants to at least try. Acting as if I don’t exist doesent change the fact I do, and I feel avoids problems instead of solving them-I have allways felt his daughter and I are the two most importiant people in his life, and neither one of us is going anywhere, so after years of all of this why not at least try? The way it’s set up now someone wins and someone loses-there is no real sharing. I think that’s sad.

linuxya 1 #
An Undisclosed Location | 3 years, 6 months ago (28 minutes after post)

eveteranish wrote:
Acting as if I don’t exist doesent change the fact I do, and I feel avoids problems instead of solving them

For him, the absence of drama from his ex means there is no problem.

For you, the issue is you feel insecure about the situation. The question is whether you are going to force him to stir up a situation he is avoiding in order to make you feel better about yourself.

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eveteranish 0 #
An Unknown Location | 3 years, 6 months ago (40 minutes after post)

I could not force him if I wanted to-and I don’t want to. However, can you belame me for not liking it when he not only does not introduce me to daughter, but if we accidently ran into them somewhere he would pretend not to know me-he said he would do this. He also will not introduce me to people who know him and ex in common and will not be seen in car with me if there is possibility they might see. He would rather I walk 7 blocks in the rain than take the slightest chance they may even see me. If he was out with me, and saw them walking down the sidewalk by chance he would want me to hide behind dumpster or something. So yes sometimes I feel a little insecure. Even a little hurt.

linuxya 1 #
An Undisclosed Location | 3 years, 6 months ago (1 hour, 13 minutes after post)

The point is this: your issue is how you feel about this, not how anyone else labels you as home wrecker etc.

Instead of trying to figure who is right or whether you are justified, you must recognize why he engages in this behaviour and consider the costs to him for changing. Then you explore constructive ways to address your feelings AND his feelings in a way that does not blame him for your feelings but actually helps him understand your point of view and makes him want to consider options.

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eveteranish 0 #
An Unknown Location | 3 years, 6 months ago (1 hour, 26 minutes after post)

How would you suggest I do this? I could really use sugestions. I have always felt hidden and explained away. He feels it’s easier to do it his way-I think that’s why he does it. He will not say why except for that reason.-so I don’t know the costs. I have told him why I feel hidden-and he says yes I am hidden.
He does things the way he want’s to-he is not intereasted in consicering options.

linuxya 1 #
An Undisclosed Location | 3 years, 6 months ago (1 hour, 41 minutes after post)

The guy is simply afraid of confronting conflict. This means he won’t deal with his ex and he will avoiding dealing with you if you become confrontational.

If there is a positive result that could make his life easier and make you happier, then you’ll have more luck. Each time you bring up the issue, his anxiety will go into overdrive because he will think of the drama he will have with his ex. He won’t be hearing you. He will simply shut down because of the panic.

What should you specifically do? First consider whether you want to be in a relationship with a man who avoids conflict at all costs. It’s probably why his initial marriage broke down.

If you do want to continue, then you have to find ways to help him face conflict without running away from his fear of it. Using traditional methods of dealing with anxiety should work– that is slowly building up confidence in facing anxiety.

- don’t confront a huge, big, vague problem
- break every problem down into tiny pieces
- work on each piece and persist until success
- praise every success and avoid ANY negative responses when someone is actually trying (whenever you want to change behaviour, positive reinforcement is everything… if you make changing stressful by getting angry or criticizing, then you just increase the anxiety associated with change)
- confidence will build over time with the small steps so that the final step of introducing you to the daughter will seem small and easy
- never ever blame him for your feelings of insecurity… they belong to you. yes his behaviour is not optimal, but you are asking him to change to help you feel better… that is not the same as blaming him for making you feel bad

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eveteranish 0 #
An Unknown Location | 3 years, 6 months ago (2 hours, 1 minute after post)

You are right-I am asking him to change to help me feel better. Thank you for suggestions-i have never quite seen him as being afraid of conflict, because he comes across as abrasive, confident, outgoing, ever a little aggressive at times. he does not hesitate to tell me how things are going to be. Perhaps he uses a confident exteriour to mask a not so confident interiour.
I always assumed mabye he never really told them I existed, or they had different information than I did and he did not want us compairing notes, or he said no just to say no. Because he would not show me his divorce decree, filed joint taxes with his ex after their divorce,and after our marriage, and kept her listed as current spouse on all legal documents, as well as keeping me seperate i even thought he might be a bigamist. I have allways thought he was hiding something. Mabye I was wrong.
Intereasting but he has said he does not tell them anything about me- they asked my name once -and does not want them to have our current adress, and I certainly don’t have theirs.

eveteranish 0 #
An Unknown Location | 3 years, 6 months ago (2 hours, 11 minutes after post)

Oh I asked once what I should do if something happened to him-he has things at our home he want’s his daughter to have upon his passing. He said even if he died, I should not get their number and I should not call them. He said if he did not call/talk to them after a week or so they would know something happened and figure it out. So if he were to die or become ill or injured he want’s them to just figure it out. I don’t know but I allways thought that was a little strange.

linuxya 1 #
An Undisclosed Location | 3 years, 6 months ago (2 hours, 16 minutes after post)

There are two responses to anxiety: FIGHT and RUN AWAY. People who are highly anxious tend to engage in both of these on a regular basis.

It’s certainly possible that he’s hiding things from you. I haven’t got a clue. I can only provide analysis based on the data points you give me. Even still, if he is hiding things from you then he will have even more fear to drive his FIGHT / FLIGHT responses.

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eveteranish 0 #
An Unknown Location | 3 years, 6 months ago (2 hours, 27 minutes after post)

That is true-thank you for your insights-I never thought of anxiety as being a major motivator for his behaviour-probibly because he manafests the fight response typicly-somehow I always associated axiety more with the flight response. As I said he comes across as so self assured-and he allways says he has no anxiety about anything-but you have provided me with an objective look at the issue, and have caused me to look at things from other angels-again thanx

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Is it fair to say i broke up a family in this situation? - Help.com