This post left anonymously
where to begin… there’s a lot to my story, but basically I’m in love with someone who will be leaving the country for a long time, if not forever. And I’ve had problems with depression, but I only found out he was leaving pretty much permanently a few days ago and I just feel like I’m reeling and going backwards. He makes me so happy, but knowing it’s probably all going to end is really… upsetting me.. And he’s going overseas for a few weeks in a few days, and I’ll see him when he comes back until he leaves again in a few months… for good. We’re not going out but people keep telling me I should tell him how I feel before he goes in a few days… and it all seems so logical but he keeps talking about how he doesn’t want a wife and kids (not for me either, I completely understand) and he is the kind of person who just does what he wants to do and travels a lot. He wants freedom, not to be tied down and I just can’t stand the thought of losing him even though I know what he’s like. And we’ve got plans to help eachother with our career aspirations when he comes back.. we seem to want the same things.. so I’ll see him again but I feel like he’s been trying to get across to me that he likes me and I can’t help but hide my feelings like I normally do. He thought I liked him and now I think he doubts whether I do or not and I don’t think he even knows what he wants, besides trying to get his career off the ground which is why he’s going overseas. We get along really well.. but helping him with stuff was more of a way for me just to spend time with him and I always feel like I need some excuse to get in contact with him.. And now there’s only really a couple days till he goes. I feel like I should at the very least text him. But I was going to try and tell him how I feel, I wanted to do it face to face, and I just can’t find the words, not even if I write them down. The timing seems all wrong, but sometimes waiting for the right moment means opportunities just pass you by. I can’t come up with even a casual excuse to see him before he goes. And if I told him and he didn’t feel the same way, maybe I wouldn’t even get to spend time with him when he came back and I really want to work with him. I can’t even just be straight forward and honest with him. I don’t want to lose him even though it seems I will anyway. I’d probably even go with him, but it’s complicated. I think I’ll have to tell him how I feel at some point. Don’t know whether to do that now or when he comes back in a few weeks. Don’t know if I should risk ruining a friendship, but then it certainly seems like we’re attracted to eachother and I’m the one that keeps hiding how I really feel. And I’m sure all things are possible and we could work anything out if we really wanted to, but I don’t want to stuff things up and I’m such a coward. Feel kind of pathetic even posting this, just feeling sorry for myself when in reality I do have a lot going for me. It’s just he’s all I really want… and not much else means much to me. You can call me whatever you like honestly, because I just lack the intelligence and the guts to do what I need to do. But if you have some kind of advice for me.. that would be really nice. This whole situation is really getting me down and I don’t want to be this way.
Since writing this post Anonymous may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days.
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