This post left anonymously
My life has no purpose, no direction and no point.
Sheesh, at nearly 40, shouldn’t I be a little old to be asking this question? As near as I can tell, the only thing keeping my life anchored is my wife. I love her and would do anything to keep her from harm (physical or emotional)… but she just admitted that her life felt pointless too.
I decided to expand my thought a bit… work, well nothing I do is going to change the world (college dropout), the best I could ever hope for is that I enable someone else to achieve a goal. Too bad that doesn’t stir my soul any, people have done nothing but disappoint me in recent years (I guess I’m losing faith in humanity… feels like the movie “Idiocracy”).
I haven’t had a personal goal in decades… I guess because I need for nothing, and pretty much Want for nothing. Oh, sure, I’ve got the standard ‘pie in the sky’ wants of a newer/nicer car, more money, or any number of other junk dreams. But nothing I’d consider “real”.
I suppose most people find purpose in family/children at my age… but I wouldn’t wish the future of this world on a living thing (knew at age 12 I’d never willingly father a child). So that whole ‘make it better for the next generation’ thing just doesn’t have a whole lot of sway. Sure, I recycle, limit consumption, drive the most fuel efficient vehicles I can afford, etc… but what’s one guy doing this in a sea of billions who don’t care anyway?
I briefly thought about life without my wife (if she left me, or passed on, just not with me). I came up blank. There’s nothing I would do, no where I would go, no person to see. The image that came to mind was to sell everything, donate or burn the money, walk south till I cross the Mexico boarder, burn all forms of ID and wander. Seems like a form of self punishment (without means to feed myself in a land where I don’t speak the language)… now I’m wondering why I feel this is all I deserve? I mean, seriously… who thinks that would be the best way to conclude life?
Things I was passionate about in the past just no longer matter (talk about sad, knowing that something that at one time brought great joy now just garners a shrug when mentioned). My social circle is down to one real, live human being (wife). Sure, I converse with people online, see my parents once a year or so, interact with people during the course of doing business (buying food, going to work, whatever). But that’s just a shell of a person going through the motions because that’s what’s expected.
Is this just some sort of mid-life crisis? I don’t want a sports car or to party, much less to have a younger wife (all the typical cliches). Mostly I just want to be left alone, and I’ve gotten that want in spades. But now that I have it, I’m lost for a reason to carry on with the monotony of my life. Well, beside that first part up there about my wife being my anchor and wishing her no harm. I would never, and Could never, put her through the anguish of leaving her (either in life or intentional death).
Anyone else been through this? Going through this? Have a clue what ‘this’ is?
Since writing this post Anonymous may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days.
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