This post left anonymously
The older I get, the more often I’m depressed.
I think I’m depressed about 2/3’s of a month. I don’t like the direction my life has gone and I don’t know how to turn it around. I’m a smart person, but not when it comes to my life and decisions I make. I am less than a year from 40, and I think about what I have and have not accomplished. I’ve never been married, no children (though I don’t really want them), all of my family and friends have their own families and they don’t understand me. I’m not a social butterfly and spend a lot of time keeping to myself. I can say that I enjoy my own company over being with someone just so that I’m not alone. I think if I “settle”, I would feel much worse. However, sometimes I’m not quite sure if maybe I’m not just afraid. Everyone has disappointed me, my parents, my family in general, my friends, and of course strangers. They don’t seem to understand me at all and how can I expect them to always listen when I am always depressed and unhappy? I’m just rambling here… I feel so alone. I’m not really the type to do something to myself, although I have frequent thoughts that I wish I would just not wake up in the morning. That I don’t know how long I can deal with feeling this way. I do think about how others would feel if I died and then it scares me. I just feel that I have nothing at all to offer anyone. I really have no personality and am only marginally successful in life. Today is Easter and not one single person called, texted, emailed, nothing. To me it was like just another day. My family thinks after you’re an adult, they don’t have to really check up on you or see how you’re doing. They feel that you should always smile and act on the outside like your life is good. If I’m sad or depressed and talking to them on the phone, they make an excuse that they have to go and end the conversation. Or, my mom will get mad at me and tell me to get over it and gets annoyed with me. In my family, and then in all of my relationships, I have always been 2nd best to someone else. Even friendship-wise, I have not “best” friends. The closest I have all have other friends they are closer to than me. My mom has a best friend, my sister has a best friend, they live in the same town and they all hang out together. I’m the odd man out, in all situations, the story of my life. What is my purpose here on this earth, really? Because I am tired and I don’t want to continue being this miserable. I have my “good” days and wander how I could get so depressed, but those are getting fewer and far between…
Since writing this post Anonymous may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days.
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