Love help: MY OLDER BOYFRIEND LIED TO ME - AND NOW I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN TRUST HIM - Help.com

Well there are two red flags to the situation. First is a 40 year old wanting to be with a 26 year old. I mean there’s a pretty large age gap there, and after what he did, I think that is a sign he’s only going away with you for one thing.

Sounds like bad news and I would get away from him if I were you. But that’s just my opinion.

Your boyfriend doesn’t have to tell you everything, see what are you doing now? You’re freaking out. He probably didn’t want to hurt her (they were married and all and have kids together) seeing how you stated she still loves him. Men like to keep things simple and not so dramatic, him not telling her and keeping it a secret is just his way of keeping the piece, they have kids together, one small thing that could upset her she could take them away. Past details of relationships is up to everyone what they wish to tell and whatnot to their new partner, especially bad parts that you don’t want to remember. You’re overreacting, I wouldn’t think anything of it. It maybe simple to you, but it isn’t between them.

i understand kathryn’s point of view. my bf also lied to me a few times but out of the greater good, as in didn’t want to hurt my feelings. i’ve known him a long time(5yrs) so i believe that’s why he did what he did. wasn’t about another girl or anything, but still. guys do things we don’t understand sometimes, and as much as we’d like for them to explain things they don’t. i also second that it’s his business, as much as you are in his life(or will get to be), his kids and his exwife will always be a separate more private matter.

I’m sorry. What am I missing? I don’t see where he lied. He told you he would tell her if she asked. Maybe she never asked. What is wrong with him telling his family to not discuss the details of the trip with her?

He is trying to avoid conflict over crap. No offense, but he needs to be able to communicate with the mother of his children about their schooling, adjusting, problems, etc…not about YOU. He probably doesn’t want to rub salt into her wounds which makes him a pretty nice guy. How can you find fault with that?

It sounds like you really, REALLY want her to know about you. :D I guess you must be feeling a little insecure, huh? Hiding you from his ex? Noooooo. More like protecting his ‘ex’ from information that isn’t necessary. If you’re waiting for him to flaunt you in front of her, don’t hold your breath.

If you care about him, appreciate what you have together & keep your nose out of his prior relationship. It has nothing to do with you. If you continue to nag him about her and fussing over petty things, she might look a lot better to him. :)

I think there are too any details that are unknown by just reading your post for anyone to give you decent advice here…for example, how is your relationship otherwise? I have to admit I am a bit unnerved by the age difference,,,fourteen years is a big gap…but every situation is unique. You mentioned he has “issues” with her…what are they? I am trying to get a handle on this man’s character. Going after a girl fourteen years younger sort of sends up a red flag to me. But I don’t have all the facts.

slauterbac wrote:
I think there are too any details that are unknown by just reading your post for anyone to give you decent advice here…for example, how is your relationship otherwise? I have to admit I am a bit unnerved by the age difference,,,fourteen years is a big gap…but every situation is unique. You mentioned he has “issues” with her…what are they? I am trying to get a handle on this man’s character. Going after a girl fourteen years younger sort of sends up a red flag to me. But I don’t have all the facts.

My Mother is married to a guy 15 years older then her and they have been together for around 10 years and my Father is married to a girl 16 years younger then him. I think if you’re at least 25, age shouldn’t matter, by then you should know what you want.

Sir James wrote:
…a 40 year old wanting to be with a 26 year old. I mean there’s a pretty large age gap there, and after what he did, I think that is a sign he’s only going away with you for one thing…

mhm. I think he sort of wants to ‘use you’ if you will, to get back at his ex. sry if that sounds harsh

Anonymous21, how is this using me to get back at her? He came away with me and my entire family, and he is a very good boyfriend to me.

Our relationship otherwise is very solid. Yes, there is the age difference, but it suits us. My father is 59 and my step mother is 41 (18 years), and they have been together for 12 years, have a child together, and they are incredibly happy.

I don’t think the problem is the difference in age, but the difference in life experience. I don’t know what is the norm in divorce. I am the first woman he has been in a serious relationship with since his separation and divorce. I have met all his friends and all his family. We talk about having a life together. It just worries me that he is scared to share information with ex wife about our relationship. I dont need her to know details, but she doesn’t even know he is in a relationship. I plan on meeting his kids in the next two months, and he says that when it comes to that she will have to know about me because of the kids.

Yes, I do feel insecure. I feel like I’m competing with another woman (despite the fact that there is no romantic involvement). They are not friends, but they have children and a 15 year history. He is a good guy and a fantastic dad. So, when it comes to character, there is no room for judgment.

I just don’t undetstand - why he is so hesitant to tell his ex? it has prolonged my introduction to his kids. I guess my real question is - does he seem trapped in his past, and I’m just a filler for his feeling empty? or are these things “normal?

you’re right, maybe he’s secretly hoping he and his ex will work things out. but then, what divorced couple w/ kids doesn’t? at least for the sake of them it passes through their mind once, even if for a second. the point is he’s with you now, and if he’s as great as you say, then he could tell you the truth. what did he say when you confronted him?

he told me that he didn’t want her finding out from anyone else. that if she asked, he wanted to come from him - and, that he was trying to avoid problems with her. she still does not know about me. he is the one that left and filed for divorce, i dont think there is a desire to get back together. What I don’t understand is why he couldn’t tell me this to begin with rather than lying?

wanted to avoid making you and the ex feel bad. guys sometimes don’t realize that their white lies only make it worse once it gets out. mine still does that.

But why worry about what his ex thinks? If he is with me - should I not be the priority? Again, I feel like he is trapped in his past. How could our relationship ever progress and get to “that point” if he puts his ex wifes feelings before mine? Again, I understand divorce (especially with kids involved) is a very complicated matter. But if we are both such big parts of eachothers lives, it makes no sense. He claims he will tell her within the next two months bc that is when he says I will be meeting his kids. I don’t know whether to wait out and risk possibly getting hurt after falling even more in love or get out of this now….

his ex matters ’cause she’s the mother of his children. and as distant as you and her might ever be, she will still be involved in you and his life again, ’cause of the kids. if you were in her place, wouldn’t you at least want to know who the other woman was, specially if she was going to spend any time w/ your kids at all? this might be his attempt at trying to keep the peace. not the best way, but his way nontheless.

Anonymous wrote:
I don’t think the problem is the difference in age, but the difference in life experience.

It was not my intention to imply that the age difference was a “problem”. I simply said that in most cases that kind of difference is typically a red flag. I congratulate your parents on finding each other even with such a gap in age. But I have had a few friends with large gaps like that, and they got incredibly hurt by those men. I’m simply saying be very careful. Because it’s things like these that are early signs of worse things to come.

Anonymous wrote:
I don’t know whether to wait out and risk possibly getting hurt after falling even more in love or get out of this now….

I guess I only have one more thing to say. If you’re intuition is telling you there is something serious enough to bail, be very conscious of that. Typically when things happen between two people who are in serious relationships that feeling of leaving that person even in the hardest times never surfaces. You’re too in love, and trust them too completely. If you’re feeling this, maybe there is a reason for it.

God bless, and good luck.

I was in a relationship for three years with a man who was not really over his ex. She had re-married (I think she still loved my boyfriend) and my boyfriend spent too much time giving me signals that he was not really past the relationship. Many times I wondered if I was a time filler to fill the void. I was not, as it turned out, his only “time filler”.

There is a reason he is not telling her about you. I don’t care how great a dad he is or how great his overall character is, it really has nothing to do with his feelings for you or his ex. When you are in love, you see things as you want to see them. It’s ok. We all do. But listen to the words of caution here. What logical reason would he have for hiding you? After nearly a year, that’s a red flag imo. There could be a number of things going on, and I wouldn’t be quick to assume he is just “using you”…but you cannpt rule it out. That would be my hunch. I’m sorry.

Anonymous wrote:
But why worry about what his ex thinks? If he is with me - should I not be the priority? Again, I feel like he is trapped in his past. How could our relationship ever progress and get to “that point” if he puts his ex wifes feelings before mine? Again, I understand divorce (especially with kids involved) is a very complicated matter. But if we are both such big parts of eachothers lives, it makes no sense. He claims he will tell her within the next two months bc that is when he says I will be meeting his kids. I don’t know whether to wait out and risk possibly getting hurt after falling even more in love or get out of this now….

He probably didn’t want to tell you about telling everyone else to not tell or w.e because he knew you’d probably freak about it, I’m sure you want her to know asap because you feel like you are being hidden. I personally think you are digging way further into this then need be.

thanks for all the advice everyone - now i’m pretty confused, lol. i guess i just have to go with my instinct and see what happens. Every relationship we have in our lives serves a purpose.

xxxxx