This post left anonymously
My girlfriend is lazy and I’m uptight.
I’ve read similar posts about people who have troubles with spouses in a relationship that are unmotivated, uninspired, or just plain lazy. Before I get into this too far, I’m going to start by listing my flaws that are most certainly also related to these issues I’m having with her. I worry about everything. I have anxiety out of this world and do take medication to help calm things down for me. Why am I stressed so much? I am living paycheck to paycheck because of student loans which will stress anyone out and she is not working. She still pays her half of the rent but I feel like she take no responsibility for anything. She sleeps in everyday until whenever she feels like waking up, the house is constantly dirty unless i clean when i come home from working for 9 hours. She constantly needs me to give her a ride places and she won’t get her license. I spend all my free time running her around or searching for jobs in my field or helping others with computer repairs. I know that I may not be spending enough time with her because I’m so busy but I have no desire to hang out with her if all she wants to to physically hang off me, ask for rides and never lift a finger around the house. I try again and again to talk to her calmly about my concerns with our relationship but she always interrogates me. With every question i ask there’s 5 coming from her. She always uses the reasoning that I don’t give her enough attention. I really don’t give her much attention anymore because she doesn’t do ANYTHING! Am I being selfish? I just feel like i work my *** off and she doesn’t do anything with the expectations of a queen. If I try to talk to her, no matter how calm I am, she always gets angry and refuses to talk to me. She absolutely shuts me out and won’t talk to me for days won’t look me in the eye but yet still expects rides and favors with no conversation in between. Is the problem that I’m expecting too much and not approaching this the right way? What would you suggest I do?
Since writing this post Anonymous may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days.
Post Tags (0)
This post has no tags. Please, help out and add some! (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)
It sounds like you’re in a relationship where you’re putting in all the effort. That is not the way it is supposed to be. And how does she pay rent without a job?
Her starting an argument with you whenever you try to talk about your problems is a sign of immaturity. It is not too much to expect a little help around the house. ESPECIALLY if she doesn’t work. In this situation she should be the one taking care of the house while you’re out bringing in the money.
Sorry about your situation, that is no way to live, and no kind of healthy relationship.
Best of luck with her.
If talking to her doesn’t work then perhaps you should give her a goal to achieve if she wants to keep the relationship alive. Give her a month, two months, whatever you decide is fair and then if she doesn’t come around then you have no recourse but to split.
These issues are too important to you to be swept under the rug and to be treated like a slave or butler. It’s not that everything should be her way or your way, what is the best way for the two of you to co-exist?
If all she needs is someone to be her father, than she already has one of those. She should be able to understand and be reasonable that it takes two to make a relationship even though she pays her rent.
It could be too, that she is suffering from depression or just won’t go out and get a life. I don’t know her but, I have seen this happening to people before. The partners almost always have to split up for awhile. Good luck.
wow do u love her? i mean if she being like that i dont think ur being selfish i think she is. In a relationship u should be loving n caring for each other you know not the way is treating you.Im sorry but I dont know why your with her.But i mean it none of my business so do what you think is best.
Maybe just try talking to her about maybe helping out a little more? Without being combative or angry you could mention that you would appreciate if she could help out in whatever way you want her to help.
To avoid her getting angry you can’t accuse her of anything, can’t start off saying that she’s lazy and doesn’t do anything cuz it’ll just end in a fight. Maybe start out with saying how stressed you are with work and if she would mind cleaning the house or tidying up a little. You could explain that if she cleans up then when you get home the two of you would have more time to spend with each other.
It sounds as though you’re at your wit’s end and you probably also need to consider whether or not this person is a good match for you. But first, a calm conversation is probably the best bet so you can both decide what you want from each other.
I know you said that she gets angry for days, but it’s the only thing I can think of
To address the most recent post, I generally do start with saying things like, I am having a lot of stress at work and need help getting my life back together. This usually results in anger or a flip-around where she victimizes herself and I somehow end up feeling bad. I honestly debate in my mind daily about living on my own because it’s what I used to do and I know I can better regulate my stress if I don’t constantly have to worry about her.
I would like for things to work out but I can’t make it work by myself. And to be completely honest, I can’t afford to live on my own right now or anytime soon. I just don’t make enough to pay my loans and my bills. I don’t want to have to find a second job and go through a breakup. I would rather work things out. I really am at wit’s end.
Good point Time Traveller. I think another major issue here is that I am a push over. To make things a little more clear, she doesn’t have a job but she is going to school for cosmetics. I know all about how school can be stressful as i got my degree in a state away from home with no car or relatives within a 3 state radius of me. I do really believe that school is new for her and causing a ton of stress but in the same respect, she quit her job for school and is living off a trust fund from her father. She only goes to school 4 hours a day. Is it crazy to ask for her to put in an hour or two into house work on the time she has off? Also, she constanly is in a bad mood because she lays around all day and then has to get up and be judged on how she presents herself. It wouldn’t be a huge issue to offer her support if she didn’t take everything out on me when she’s mad. With this into consideration, does that changes things or possible approaches that I should try out?
I agree with that. She’s always telling me about how sleeping in and laying around is wasting her day so I know she has some remorse there too. You are very correct that I would like for her to do these things as i think it would help us both but i also feel there is a large unbalance of consideration here. For instance, I spend my entire day off helping my friend take apart and fix his xbox then went home with 6 hours to sleep before work. I called to make sure she was ok and see if she needed a ride because she was out late with her friends for a change. She said no, then called me 20 mins into falling asleep asking me to drive across town and pick her up. Of course I did because I’m not about to leave her stranded. I asked if she would give me a ride to work the next morning since i woke up and came on got her. She said yes but I ended up walking because she wasn’t feeling well. I understand where shes coming from but I also think it’s these kind of recurring instances that make me feel so desolate.
Rich and famous invited 2 users to read this post 3 years, 7 months ago.
I appreciate all the input from everyone. And thanks for the continuous interest and advice on this Time Traveller. I’ve always struggled with putting my foot down on subjects that I really should. I think the best thing for me at this point is to try again when I get home to express to her my concerns and what I feel that I need to make this work. If she gets angry again then i will re-evaluate the situation and see whats more important to me, staying and trying to make this work or stick to putting my foot down and doing what I need to do to live a healthy lifestyle. I won’t be so black and white about it but I will definitely remove the massive gray area I always leave open as I need to be stern with myself as well.
I have a few questions. How long have you been together? How long living together? Who moved to be with the other? How long ago did her father pass on?
What sort of housemate are you? Orderly or sloppy? Do you clean up after yourself or do you expect her to do that also? Who does your laundry?
A few things about you post are a bit puzzling to me.
This is quite contradictory. She is meeting her financial responsibility. She didn’t rack up the student loans - you did. They’re yours. :D If you have more expenses than she does, that’s not her fault. You sound bitter about it. Her trust fund is for her use, not yours.
She still pays her half of the rent but I feel like she take no responsibility for anything
Why are you spending so much time searching for jobs (plural?) in your field when you already have one that takes up 9hours a day. You also state that you don’t want a second job. So what’s the story, Bud? She might not believe you are out job searching; frankly, neither do I. :D And, please tell me the difference between giving your love (she IS your love, isn’t she?) a ride somewhere & helping your friends with their computers/game systems? How much help could they possibly need that it has become ‘constant’ and takes up your free time (along with the mysterious job searching)? She might not believe that you are fixing things for friends with all of that time; frankly, neither do I. :D Not unless you have a few hundred friends with funky equipment and I sincerely doubt that. lols
I spend all my free time running her around or searching for jobs in my field or helping others with computer repairs
No offense intended but that’s a very selfish approach. Of course, she becomes angry. You start by stating YOUR problems/needs/wants. When is the last time you asked about hers? She’s not your therapist or your loan officer. It’s not her job to put your life back in order. She has her own life to fix. Don’t you get it?
I generally do start with saying things like, I am having a lot of stress at work and need help getting my life back together
Again, I question why you are spending so much time job searchng (and not at home on the internet, btw…but hitting the pavement! lolssss). It really sounds like you are in this living arrangement for your financial benefit and it’s the primary reason you stay.
I can’t afford to live on my own right now or anytime soon. I just don’t make enough to pay my loans and my bills. I don’t want to have to find a second job and go through a breakup.
How could she give you a ride to work when she has no license? :D Why did you walk when YOU do have a license? What’s wrong with this picture? :D
I asked if she would give me a ride to work the next morning since i woke up and came on got her. She said yes but I ended up walking because she wasn’t feeling well. .
Going to school for cosmetics presents some depressing concerns. In this economic climate, salons are closing up all over the place. :/ People are not spending on ‘luxuries’ as before. By the time she finishes school, she will be extremely lucky if she finds an entry level position as most salons will want someone with experience & a solid following. She has her own concerns on her mind. She needs to figure out how to adequately support herself. Obviously, you won’t be supporting her.
I don’t believe most of your post, actually. However, assuming it to be true, you speak nothing about love. Odd, isn’t it? I think you should do this girl a huge favor. Instead of spending all of your free time looking for a job that you don’t need or want…or fixing equipment for your endlessly needy friends…start looking for a room to rent that fits your budget. No whining about how you can’t afford it! Your health is of utmost importance here. :D Just move on.
Something tells me that she will be a completely different person after you leave. She might find that she has the freedom to be first in her own life…her needs, her wants, her thoughts, her goals. :D I don’t think she will be alone for very long. Roommates are easily replaced & it seems that’s all that you’ve been for her.
Wow, quite a few questions but not without reason! We have been together for about a year and a half (a little less). I moved in with her because I had just finished up college and came home for break when my car broke down so i couldn’t drive back to the previous state. I had started working here to pay rent in my old place until i could afford to fly back and clear out my apartment.
Her father passed on about 6 months ago which she wasn’t upset about. (childhood issues with her father) I am very orderly by nature and i try as much as i can to pick up after myself and generally i clean up after her. We both go do laundry together.
I’m not bitter about her not having to work, i’m bitter that she stays home all day and won’t help with the chores but i’m expected to after i work all day. I spend time searching for jobs in my field because im only working for a warranty company in a computer help desk. I would like to find something my degree will be used in.
She has seen me first hand help repair my friend’s pc’s and computers. Not to be a jerk but i don’t know if you understand the time it takes to do those types of things.
I agree that it’s important to ask about her feelings. I am discouraged to ask because all i ever get is “it’s fine.” I say it’s not fine and i want to help fix her problems but she won’t budge. I like to start by stating how i feel is all i was trying to say.
My job searching IS on the internet but being that i have a degree in a digital medium, i’m required to make new revisions to my submitted demo reels depending on the position. Again, i don’t know if you know anything about demo reels but those are a serious time investment.
Just because she doesn’t have a license doesn’t mean she doesn’t drive….. I walk because its not too far from work but I live where its VERY cold, so a ride every now and then is nice without having to pay for parking:) FYI i pay over 1000 dollars in loans a month so i don’t think you have much room to say where i sit financially.
Your post is quite offensive, not direct. I’m looking for advice, not to be torn a new one. Reading your post gives me the impression that you are supporting someone you don’t know at all when all i was asking is what direction I should try to head down. Please be considerate when stating that you don’t believe my posts or your doubt about my situation. You don’t have to choose to believe in anything I say but please don’t post if it’s going to be something that’s not supportive.
You may not appreciate my response but it’s honest. And I’m allowed to give my opinion of your post. There is no rule here that says I must agree with your side of an issue. I did state that no offense was intended. If you choose to take offense, there isn’t much I can do about that. As you stated at the start of your response to me, quite a few questions but NOT without reason. :)
I still find you to be quite insensitive. I still hear nothing about ‘love’ - only about money. I’m not putting words down for you; they are your own.
It doesn’t matter that she didn’t seem to care about her father’s death. Even with past issues it is natural to go through the grieving process. She could be depressed by it without even being aware of it.
What purpose does it serve to tell me how much you pay in student loans? I’m not impressed by that and it changes nothing. It was her apartment that you moved into so she’s not the one who will be moving in the event of a split. I’m still of the opinion that the arrangement benefits you more than it does her.
And, it still makes no sense that she drives without a license (and you would ask her to?) but insist on you driving her everywhere. I’m being quite direct. I think you should move along and find your own place to keep tidy. :)
I am well aware that I’m the only one to reply contrary to what you want to hear. Indeed, if you were to show your roommate these responses, they are overwhelmingly in your favor. I understand there are 3 sides to every story…yours, hers & the truth. Good luck to you.
Read the 5 Love languages. I think it gives wonderful tips for how to give people love in the right way that fills up their love tank and then you start to get love back because they feel loved.
Your gf sounds depressed. Depression causes a real lack of motivation. It feels very hard to do anything.
I myself believe it’s better to be married than just living together. More commitment and a better life style.
If you don’t want to be married to this girl perhaps you should not be living with her.
I completely agree.
She sounds depressed. Is she? Perhaps she should see a doctor.
Yes. Seems very possible.
You could try the approach it that once you start the chore ask her to give you a hand rather than complaining with a list of things at the end of the day. If you are making a meal then ask her to help chopped the salad, etc. while you cook the meat. Or peel the potatoes, etc.
Both of you tackle things together rather than approach it with I do a lot and so you (your gf) must do so much. Apparently she is in a state of depression, could be about her father, and she needs help to find her way back. Even if there are issues with her father, it stills may haunt her that he is gone. The good thing is that she is able to attend school, she just needs to see that the relationship needs work and commitment.
These issues with her father may not be able to be swept under the rug. Perhaps they exist on a much deeper level as evident in the way she treats her relationship with you as a male figure.
Perhaps grief counseling may help, good luck.
dnmcv6 please don’t take your life. Everything you have worked for will go down the tubes. Consider counseling to help you lead this family rather than support it to further destruction of the things that should matter to them. It can be done and if you find a way through counseling, you will be the better for it.
You already know that if you left; you will fall into the same circumstance until you learn how to protect yourself and demand respect in your life for your things.
Talk to your girlfriend…if she won’t work with you, then you have no choice but to leave but, don’t take your life. You have come a long way and the journey will end once you learn the lesson’s that this relationship is trying to teach you.
Good luck to you, you deserve better.
Invite Others to Help
A logged in and verified Help.com member has the ability to setup a Friends List and invite others to help with posts.