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My ex husband tried to kill me a couple years ago, hence the reason he is my ex.
We have a child together whom the courts have granted supervised visitation, he hasn’t followed through on it since Aug. 2009 and my child is asking me about daddy. I said that i would call the visitation people and see if daddy could make time to play, they say he says he can’t afford visitation, but my baby wants to see “daddy” what do i do?
Since writing this post Anonymous may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days.
Can you pay it for him? Also, I would see if you could find out if he REALLY can’t afford it before taking any real action.
I’m confused. It doesn’t generally cost money to see your children. Does he live far away from you?
Because of his violent behavior and his felony charges he is allowed SUPERVISED visitation, which means he must pay someone to supervise…
I know that it’s not a fun situation to be in, for any of you, but I’d tell my child a condensed version of the truth. No need to mention many details.
“Your father made a lot of bad decisions. One of his decisions was to hurt people. (which your child may or may not remember) When he made that choice, other things happened. One of the things that happened, was that the judge decided that if he wanted to see you, that he had to have a “safe person” with him to make sure that you are always safe with him. That “safe person” costs money. Right now your dad doesn’t have enough money to pay for that safe person to be there, so you can’t go. When dad can save enough of his money you can go for a visit. It;s up to your dad to save his money for these visits. I would help some, if I could, but I don’t have extra money. Dad knows that you want to see him. I told him. He is trying to save money now, because he really wants to see you.”
It kills me to have to say that to a 3yr old… yea he’s an *******, but it makes me so angry to have to tell our three year old that he is and that he/she cant see him… it breaks my heart, but my mom would probably say the same thing, you don’t think i should pay a portion of his bill so that he/she (who doesn’t understand any of this) can see “daddy”?
I understand where you are coming from, but there are other ways to deal with this. When my kid asks where her daddy is, I tell her the truth. It doesn’t have to be an ugly truth either. Where’s daddy? He is at work, he is at his house, he is eating dinner..etc. Why can’t daddy come see me? “Well let’s just call him and you can ask him yourself” is one option. It isn’t your job to make excuses for that dead beat. Another option, which is probably kinder, is to tell your kid that “Daddy would love to see you, but he can’t right now, because he has to do other things.” this is not a lie, because he probably would like to see him or her, but he has to make money first so that he can afford to do so. That’s my opinion at any rate.
I can imagine that it hurts you like crazy. Sorry to hear that. I would be angry too. Your child won’t understand everything that you’ll try to explain, but keep repeating the same thing. When he’s six, he might try offering his own money to be able to see his dad. Hopefully not. That would become awkward.
Under rare circumstances would I suggest that you pay a portion of his bill. Basically, not unless he’e on his death bed. You ex made his decisions, and now he has to live with the consequences of those choices. I’d be happy that he didn’t have money for the visits. The longer they are seperated, the less chance they have of forming a bond. I wouldn’t want my child to form a bond with a criminal, even if DNA were a factor. I wouldn’t want him to influence my child or my child’s behaviour. It’s unfortunate that your child has to live with consequences of an adult’s choice. Maybe if your ex knows how sad your child is, it’ll make him reconsider his actions before making more poor choices.
Your right, i just fell so horrible that my baby has to suffer because “daddy” is an ***… it is killing me!!!
I’m trying to help. Words seem to help when dealing with our feelings, and it can do the same with children’s feelings, too. The only difference is that we need to connect many more dots for them. (Saying daddy’s can’t see you bc he has no money might make the child think that you make him pay to see his child.)
At three, they usually don’t care much about an absent parent. If they had had a parent who has suddenly left, it may be a different story for a week or two, then it usually levels off.
Your child will be ok bc you are there as a guide. You will help this child along and teach good things. Try not to worry so much. Keep having fun with the little one. Hug him double, to make sure that he gets all of the security that he needs.
Thank you! I’m pretty sure that he will be okay, i gave him extra love and hugs today, he cried himself to sleep tonight, but i talked to my mom and she said the same thing, i cant really protect him from the pain that his father will bring, i can only pick him up and kiss the booboo’s… SUCKS!!! but it’s life, i just wish he didn’t have to learn it so early… thank you all for your support!!
You’re welcome. It seems that he understood what you’ve explained to him, otherwise he wouldn’t be so upset. I wish that something that we could say would actually help to ease your son’s pain. :(
Me too! yea, i just told him that i called and left a message and that daddy would call back when he could, i said that daddy probably wanted to see him also but that he was just very busy. i said daddy loved him and he would get to see daddy soon… then he cried and i held him tell he fell asleep… it just sucks!!! rather than figuring out a way to ease my son’s pain i wish i could figure out a way to make his father step up.
My mom tried for years to do the same. It was an exercise in futility. Nothing she (or us kids) ever said or did a thing that made him reconsider his ways. That’s why I said what I did. I said it because I would rather let him know that the onus is on dad NOW, rather than waiting for your son to figure it out as he ages. This way, he can start forming his own opinion of his dad on his own. You haven’t directly said anything bad about his father. Telling him that his father is in jail, well, I might have decided NOT to include that part until he was older, but the rest would have been what I would have said.
i didn’t say that daddy was in jail… it would be an easier explanation for why he is never around if he was, but he isn’t… he just choses to have nothing to do with our son…
Oh, oops, I thought that was in there somewhere. Sorry. My dad was like him. It’s better to have the child know from the get go, rather than having it be a shock for him to find out at 8 that his father doesn’t like him or care about him or want to be around him. That was pretty much when I figured it out. I was told little things before that, but in my opinion, it needed to be more concrete. “Your dad doesn’t know how to be responsible. He never wanted kids and doesn’t want to take care of the ones that he has. Let’s just keep having fun together and forget about him.”
did it break you heart? i guess thats a stupid question, how could it not… yea, if only i had known before i choose my mate… i think he will be okay, kids are resilient, right?
Kind of. to both question. My father’s inattention really did hurt. If the other parent had been ok, it would have been easier. She was WAYYYYY too stressed to be effective at parenting. That made life harder, but I had a lot of damage done to me besides that. I never felt like I could talk to her about ANYTHING. As long as you stay open with your child about things as they come up, he shouldn’t have many troubles.
Be honest to your kids.
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