How do you help a sister who won’t leave a bad relationship?
I am in a bit of a dilemma I have a younger sister who is head over heels for the wrong man. She has a 9 year old daughter who is an amazing child and the man she is with doesn’t even care about the little one. He sees her as a reason they can’t do things. He verbally abuses my sister putting her down on her age, weight (which she is very physically fit) and any flaw that she sees in herself he makes sure to point out over & over again. He recently broke up with her and we thought this is it she is finally going to move on. Well the whole time she just called everyone crying and asking why it was her fault and that she just wanted closure. We all went through all the steps with her and listened giving and not giving advice. The problem is now he has returned and she of course has taken him right back and they are both right back to their antics. How can you get someone to realize they are worth more than they think they are? I need help my sister is no longer the same strong woman I knew growing up!
Since writing this post Tauren Rage may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. Tauren Rage is a verified member, has been around for 3 years, 7 months and has 8 posts and 63 replies to their name.
It’s difficult because if this is what your sister wants to do then you cannot force her to stop, you can give her all the advice you can but it will not make her take it. Although obviously do not stop trying.
Have you said stuff about him yet?
That is so sad, I dont think u could force her to leave this man. She aint gonna do it if she does not want to. U can only give her advice and tell her to think about her daugher. Does she want her daughter to end up with a guy that abuses her verbaly???
Someday she is going to wake up cause she can not spend her life with a man who does not appreciate her!
I have said my piece on him yes. You have to remember he broke up with her for a few weeks and we were all trying to help her to see what anyone around her could see but her since she is emotionally tied to the relationship. I know I can’t stop my sister though trust me I wish I could. I just need to help her see for herself and my whole family has tried so hard. I hate how her daughter pays for their relationship, it’s not fair and somehow being a mom isn’t enough to open her eyes and that is the saddest part of all.
That can happen in bad relationships, unfortunately there is nothing you can do except be there for her when it finishes for good, which it will. she will only be able to take so much and then her old self will come back and kick him to the curb. This might not happen for a while so just be there for her when it does x
i kind of know the feeling, and it’s very hard to watch! all i can say is that just like with anyone else, family or not, you can’t make the choice for them. this is going to spiral down and all you can do is wait until she hits rock bottom and finally realizes and accepts it for herself. if you haven’t said anything about the guy yet i would suggest you do, but only once. ONCE. sit her down and have a heart to heart. ask her to listen and not respond, and that you are simply telling her how you feel and don’t mean to criticize her choice in men or her ability to take care of herself and her daughter, anything like that. the more you ‘hate’ him the more detached she will become from you and when she hits rock bottom she’ll be looking for someplace else to go. in the meantime all you can do is support her no matter what happens.
Oh don’t tell me it won’t happen for awhile….they have been together for over 4 years now and I don’t think anyone around her can take another 4 years. Unfortunately she is losing friend in the process as well. There is no way to open her eyes is there?
We’ve all asked her is she would be fine with her daughter dating someone like this and she answers honestly “NO”. I am so lost. I guess maybe what I need to know is how can we loosen his grip on her life?
no one can say if it is going to happen sooner or later. fingers crossed she will wake up soon x x
Don’t lose all hope but if she knows how you and your family feel then she will just get annoyed if you keep going on about it. Be there for her if something happens. Have you asked her what happened to the strong, confident person?
unfortunately we can not open someones eyes for them. And in a lot of cases, when we try, they close them tighter.
My sister was married for 20yrs. So when all the problems with her marriage were coming out and everyone was saying angry with her husband and wanting her just get the dam divorce already, she stilled loved him. She wanted this marriage to work. It was what she always wanted and did not want to give up on it. It took 2 1/2 years for her to get to the place to say enough is enough and I am worth more then this. Now that her eyes are open, she can look back and say why did I stay so long. It is just were she was at the time, she was not ready.
You are just going to let your sisters eyes open in their own time. It will come. And like anonymous said hopefully sooner then later.
Oh yes I have. When he last broke up with her I explained to her how this is the best time for her to find herself again. To find that strong confident woman I know and miss very much. It just wasn’t enough. I will always be there for my sister but how am I there for her if I let this happen to her and her daughter? My family is stuck between a rock and a hard place on this one. It wouldn’t be so bad but as I said earlier they’ve been together for 4 years and he breaks if off with her every few months and she cries to us all then goes right back as soon as he knocks on her door.
I pray you are right. I miss my sister.
You are a good sister, you haven’t just said her life and walked away, you are doing all you can. I am sorry this is not enough. I don’t know why she’s going back to him. ask her if she doesn’t find that humiliating or embarrasing?
I know she is embarrassed by it due to the fact that when she went back to him she didn’t let anyone know. We found out at the gym when she came with him. This whole situation has me so lost and confused. I know she knows better and admits that she would be all over anyone else in her shoes. I mean honestly does she feel maybe she deserves this and maybe that’s what I really need to help her with?
I had tried to get my sister to go on a retreat where she could just focus on herself and get away from everything. I even offered to pay. She would not go. I just wanted to give her something that would help her look past all the emotion she had going on inside of her.
Like you said she would not want her daughter in the same type of relationship. So she knows it is not a good one. But for what ever reason, your sister is not feeling like she is worthy of a better relationship. Because if she was in a healthy state of mind, she would say I deserve better then this.
If she didn’t tell you she knows she is wrong which makes it more difficult because she is choosing to even though she knows it is silly. If she was blind to it maybe you could try opening her eyes but it is more complicated than that.
But on the brighter side then she doesn know that there is something wrong, what does she see in him?
I know and that’s what hurts so bad! What’s amazing is how this man seems to be all that matters to her and she knows and he’s even told her that they’ll never get married. What holds her to him like this? I don’t know and don’t understand it. I’m sorry for all of this it’s just I am so lost and have tried everything over the last 2 years to help her. From being nice to him to saying it like it is and nothing seems to work.
Don’t apologise, we are here to help you. I really feel for you :(
babacup invited 1 user to read this post 3 years, 7 months ago.
Thanks, I appreciate that.
sit down..chat with her and then slowly and lucidly try to tell her why u think the relationship she is in is not a healthy one..do not try to boss her..but be her friend
I was in a similar situation with a very close friend… unfortunately, she didn’t listen to any of her friends/family when we warned her against him. To be overly cliched, love is blind, I suppose. All I can say is that if it does end badly, just be there completely and supportively.
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