Since writing this post shortcake2 may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. shortcake2 is a verified member, has been around for 3 years, 9 months and has 18 posts and 105 replies to their name.
I really don’t have any suggestions, sorry. Just make sure that both you and your husband feel comfortable talking to this person. That you are open and honest. Don’t try and protect each others feelings. This is the time to get all those feelings out so you can figure out what is going wrong in the marriage.
Is your husband wanting to go to counseling too?
yes. we are not togather. however we have a 2 year old, and so we REALLY need to learn how to agree on some things… even if we dont get back togather… we would love to be togather, but.. there is a lot of hurt between us.
how long have you been separated?
about a year now
I am helping my son clean his hamster cage. I will be back in a few minutes.
Why did you separate?
he was very abusive. physically and mentally. we both have problems, but hurting me infront of my daughter was simply unexceptable.
i recently asked him to co operate with the divorce, and he said he would rather go to marraige conseling. he is already in a.a, and drug counseling. and now he is in therapy for his angry issues… and i have been in counseling since i left him last july. it a matter of getting an outsiders perspective on wheather we should even try to go do this road again togather…
So is your goal to save the marriage or to have a working relationship so you can raise your children in the healthiest way you can with out being together as a couple?
i wish i could stay with him, but… i have lost hope for change. at the very least, i want to raise my daughter the healthies way possible…
i dont want to be with anyone else… but if he cant change, then im out.
My sister was married almost 15yrs and tried for 2yrs to work on saving her marriage. She was doing nothing to change and he was doing nothing to change. They would separate, miss each other, get back together, and start the cycle all over again. He cheated on her and was doing drugs. But they did and still do love each other. But when she finally said this is not working, and he said I don’t want to hurt you any more, they moved on with their separate lives. And have a very good parenting relationship. They can talk and make decisions about their children and now grandchildren and be around each other.
She is happier then ever before. She has a new boyfriend and is expecting a baby.
I guess what made the difference, was when she accepted that it was not going to work. When she let go of the idea that he would change and it could work. When she said I am ready to move on.
So if you have lost hope for change, are you ready to say to him, let move past us as a couple and on to us being parents to our child. Is he ready to say that?
If so, I think instead of a marriage councilor, you should look for a family counselor. Someone who can help you work as divorced family.
he is not ready to move on… not interest in divorce at all. he says he would rather stay married, even if we live seperate lives, because even though we cant seem to live togather he has no interest in being with someone else. your sisters situation sounds exactly like my own… i have been with my husband for 9 years, on and off. we have been married for two years and have a child togather. we have hurt each other so much… i dont think there is any going back. no trust, just a genuine love for one another.
Trust is so important. When my sister started this new relationship she is in now, she could not believe how she lived all those years. How stressed and tense she was when her husband was out. Even at work. she could not trust him. She never felt calm and peaceful. Now she does not have then constant tension and stress. She has trust.
You don’t have to have an interest in another relationship to move on. You and he can be happy living separate lives with either of you rushing into a new relationship with other people. It is actually better to give yourselves healing time. Time to find yourself again.
I would say if you are not going to stay together, their is no reason to stayed married. Other then financial reason. Like staying on each others health insurance or something like that. But I personally think it is just better to have an official end like a divorce. So that way in to future, if either of you do have a new relationship with someone else, that marriage is not standing in the way of moving forward.
How long has your husband going to aa and counseling?
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