I don’t know which way is up, because it seems there is no up it’s all downs.
I have no direction in life other than to lead my baby boy in the right direction but I can’t seem to ever get out of this rut. It’s just constantly one thing after another. I’m just going to make a list of this series of unfortunate events. Tell me how anyone would not be stressed out, tell me they wouldnt me mad or angry and lose it. How can someone seriously deal with all of this stuff at once without having some sort of anger or PTSD…People keep telling me I’m so strong, but I see myself as a more weak than strong person right now. Nothing is going right for me EXCEPT I have birth to an exceptionaly unbelieveably amazing little guy a year ago. He is the only thing keeping me from completely loosing my mind or finding an alternative way out.
Lets start from the beginning, my life has been one huge train wreck. I must have been Hitler in a past life or something because I don’t know what I’ve ever done to hurt anyone and all I get out of this is pain and grief from all ends.
Okay from as early as I remember my Dad was an Alchoholic. He was abusive to my mother and big brothers who weren’t his kids. My Mother left him.He continued on his path of destruction and is still a drinker to this day.
I remember when I was about 4 or 5 my mom starts dating this black guy. Nothing wrong with race, it was just a new experience for me. She continues to be with him til I was 16. During this time my Dad goes to prison 2 times for DUI offenses. He was hardly there,obviously. At age 6 I remember being taken from my bedroom by my uncle, placed on the couch with him where he began touching me “there”. I didn’t know what to do. I was in shock and scared. He was an alchoholic also so I was able to just get up and go back to my bed when he passed out. I never told anyone about this til I was 9 for fear of “getting him in trouble” seriously? I saw a counselor many times because I had began to pull my own hair out. I pulled it out so bad in fact, you could see a huge bald spot in my hair on the right side. I was asked by many people had I been molested, and I just said no. One day when I was 9 my uncle had started to come around again, and I guess I just got scared it would happen again so I finally broke down and told his ex wife. They then take me to a childrens mental hospital where I was kept for about a week or so to be analyzed. I never knew what exactly they came to diagnose me with. During this time, charges were pressed on my uncle, who had a terminal illness. He was in this halfway house type jail and he ended up killing himself.After all of this I become rebelious and start disrespecting my mother. My step dad goes to prison right around this same time. He was in til I was 11. During his time in my mother decides she can’t handle me and it’s best I be put into a group home, where I can get attention and care I needed. I had 5 other brothers and sisters too, why was I the one that had to be put in the home? She just couldn’t handle me. So, after my step dad gets released when I was 11 he insistes I be taken out of the home and brought back. Why? Oh, so he could begin molesting me on an almost daily basis for 5 years. That’s right, 5 years I had to deal with this. Why didn’t I tell? I don’t know! I wish I had sooner. He always told me if I said anything he would turn it around and make it look like I did it all…I guess I believed him. Up until 6th grade I was an A+ student. My grades started to drop, people began to wonder what was going on. I remember having this teacher who obviously could tell something was going on. She would let me stay after school to help her and to just talk. I really liked her. I never told her what was going on, but I’m assuming she knew something was wrong by the way I was poorly dressed and everything else. Anyway, back to my step dad. It continued like I said til I was 16. During this time I was looking for some male figure to prove to me that they’re not all losers. That I can trust someone. I lost my virginity at 13. I began to sleep around with many guys. I think by 15 I had been with 25 boys. Disturbing, I know. So at 16 I finally had had enough, I saw my mother had a black eye, and I just had it. I told her right in front of him that he had been molesting me for many years. She freaks out, he goes up to her and starts telling her I’m a liar and he isn’t that person. Blah Blah Blah. She sends me to live with my Dad…She kicked ME out! Not him, ME! I can’t believe the betrayal of my own Mother. How could she? I then totally lost all respect for her that I had. She stays with him for a few more months, after I confessed to him doing this to me other girls came forward, not all girls, some women saying he had slept with them willingly. She finally kicks him out, or he moved out, I’m not sure. She contacts me and says we’re going to go press charges. And we’re going to the Child Protective Service so if they ask, I never knew he did that to you or you will never get to see me again and I’ll get put in jail…I told them the truth about all that had happened, except that my Mother knew about it. Why did I continue to lie for someone who betrayed me so badly? I don’t know. I was 17 at this time. So I luckily had a best friend who had her head on straight and had married a guy a few months earlier and just had a baby. She invited me to move in with her and get my GED( I dropped out of high school during this mess.) So I accepted. But I was very confused in my life and I didn’t know exactly what to expect. I got a job at Sonic and started to work there for a few months. I never went back to school and I didn’t get my GED til I was 20 or 21. She let me move in and out of her house as I needed to, she would give me anything she possibly could because she is truly the only person in this world I will ever fully love and have trust and respect for. During the time I first moved in with her she had told me she met her husband off of an internet dating site and that I should try it. I did. In fact, I found a guy who was 24 who fell in love with me and let me move in with him after a month or so. We then got our own apartment together in Dallas. Things were great at first, he really showed me how a man was supposed to love a woman, and he was a good listener.He really wanted to help me succeed and become something greater than the cards I was handed..At first. So I guess when I was 18 I got pregnant. He told me he didn’t want babies ever and I needed to abort the baby. I was in total SHOCK. I couldn’t believe this. He someone convinced me to have an abortion…I had never felt so pathetic in my life. Ever…untill 2 years later. He got offered a better paying job in Houston and moved there. Things were a little iffy between us but I decided to move down there and get my own apartment where we would live seperately. I began stripping while we lived in Dallas and made good money doing it. I had nothing else behind me, not education, nothing. I was exactly what my mother had handed me, nothing. I moved to Houston and did the same thing for 2 years. I got pregnant by him 2 more times and had 2 more abortions. I was such a loser. What is wrong with me? Why could I let a man like him convince me I would be better off not having these babies and adoption wasn’t an option, even if he himself was an adopted boy. HOW?! Well, I was a weak person and I apparently let a lot of people influence my decisions, that’s how. I could never speak for myself. If I did I was looked down on for not speaking properly and made fun of continuously by him and his friends for not having a proper education. I was one big joke. Well, he wanted to move away and had a friend in Seattle. He moved up there, we actually drove together up there and he used my money I earned at my stripping job to pay for his trip. Convenient. I flew back down, knowing full and well our relationship was over, but I was so in love with this guy it was pathetic. I can’t believe the crap I put up with and STILL loved him. I guess I saw it as something better than being molested or abandoned by all the men that had been present in my life before him. I don’t really know. Well, I had this BRIGHT idea to move up there with him, I was going to make 5 grand and go. I knew I couldn’t get there fast enough. I had to come up with an idea for quick cash…What did I choose? What’s faster than stripper money? Porn. I turned to porn. I went online to CL and found an ad looking for “models” in Florida. I went down there, made my money. Called him and said I had made enough in 2 weeks to go be with him. He tells me to wire him the money and he will hold it for me…That is NOT what ended up happening. He basically robbed me and said he desrved that money because I cheated on him by doing porn, which let me tell you, he wasn’t against when I first had the idea. So everything I made from it I got basically nothing of. Again, I’m so **** pathetic it’s unreal…I don’t think life can get any worse. My best friend, mentioned above, again offered me her home til I could get on my feet. She is my true life God Send. I stayed there and totally took advantage of the situation. I wouldn’t work and I hardly contributed to anything. I don’t know why other than I gues I was really down about my life at this point. I am truely sorry for ever betreying her like that. I then moved out and moved to Austin, wanting to get away from it all. I couldn’t go back to Houston, by that time my porn stuff had hit the internet and people found my dirty secret out. People at my job would laugh at me, like they were much better?? They were strippers too and sucked mens penis’ in the back room, I can say I never did that while I was a stripper. Like that is saying much for morals. So I move to Austin, hoping no one would recognize me from my films there. I dyed my hair, got a new life style( aside from stripping) started hanging with a new group of friends and life was great.But I was still a stripper. I didn’t want to be, I was tired of my body being used in that way…I decided to move to Georgia with a friend of mine and work at Hooters…One step up right?! Ha! I decided I would not take crap from a man like that again. Call me bitter, call me what you will I had been hurt many times and wasn’t having it again. Well, one night I meet a man, yes a man. He was 6 years older than me and a Sergeant in the US Army. The Hooters I worked at was right next to an Army base. I never let any of those soldiers take me out, well maybe 2 but I never had sex with them. When I met this ONE guy, we locked eyes like something fierce. It was undeniable there was an attraction, but something seemed a little off a bout him. Maybe he was a little too quiet, a little too nice. I don’t know. But I really liked him. I liked him enough in fact, that when it came time for his training to be done he wanted me to go with him…I did. I went 5000 miles away from my home to be with this man I knew for a month…STUPID! We drove from Georgia to California, stopping in Texas so he could meet my Mom and siblings. From there we went to meet his in Cali. Well along the way we stopped in Vegas and I lost my ID card there. We had to drive through Canada and how the hell was I gonna get through there with no ID? Wellll While in Sacramento we decided to get married…A marriage certificate would do the job. Wow….seriously, I just did that? Yep, I did. Path of destruction still under way. Well, we get to our destination and we get a rental house in October. I have a freak out session about what I had just done and told him I wanted out, I wanted an annulment and I was going back to Texas, screw this!…That didn’t happen. I stayed, I got pregnant at the end of November and had a baby in August 09. In February 09 He was training for a jump right before deployment. He ended up crushing 2 discs in his back and getting put on heavy Narcotics….Greaaaaat. JUST what I needed, a doped up injured husband while I was pregnant. Sure I was sorry for him and upset he got injured. But it became too much to handle so I went to Texas for a month. I came back and it had gotten worse. His narcotics had become an addiction. Around this time my mother had got busted for having cocaine in her system. Turns out she finally confessed for being on Crack for 17 years. That explains a lot. Go figure my life was a total disaster because she was on drugs. She could never see clearly enough to notice what was really going on. That really hurt me to find this stuff out. Well, as time passes she gets put in a prison rehab place a few weeks before I gave birth. My birth experience was nothing like i wanted, nothing went right with it EXCEPT my son was a healty beautiful little boy to whom I would pledge to give a better life to than I had, which isn’t saying a lot but I meant I would never betray him or do him wrong like my parents had. He was now my pride and joy. The time I finally got to lay eyes on him I was in love. I then knew what true love was. Fast forward….My husband had started crushing his Morphine pills and snorting them because he said they worked better and relieved his pain better…I don’t know but I didn’t like it…he then procededs to melt his pills down over the stove, use an Imitrex injection needle, cleaned it out and would melt his pill down and inject himself with this concoction. Wow, I just married a ******* loser. Someone comparable to a mixture of my father and mother. I just did myself in. So in April he didn’t stop doing this, I told him I had to leave, I couldn’t be this far away from my family and friends any longer and I needed a break from all this drama. I went to Texas for a month, then to California to live with his mother for 2 months. All the while money would come up missing, taken out instead of him using his debit card, I couldn’t see where he was spending the money. He quit answering his phone, he never called to check on the baby or me. He just answered when he felt like it. I got a message saying he was sleeping around with this drug addict chick. I call him and he was with her going on”missions” as he called it. Which meant he was out finding “oxycontin” or so he told me thats what he was buying…I immediately get pissed. He is hanging out with this girl, buying drugs and not answering his phone. KINDA fishy. Then he had to come down to California to see his dad because he was dying. While there we were looking through pictures on his phone and up pop these risque pictures of this girl he was hanging with…He got PISSED when I accused him of cheating. I mean, i had been told he was then I found pictures! COME ON! I’m not blind or dumb(in that sense). He storms off for the night and I picked him up in the morning at his dads. Whatever else happens, we make up. I decide I’ll come back up with him. I came back up and 4 days after I get here I get a text message from this girl he was hanging with saying he did sleep with her ( which he denied and continues to deny) and that he was using heroin with her….WOW…Like I didn’t suspect that? really? Sooo I’m now numb to him, I love him for being the father of my son and providing me a stable home and food while I take care of the baby. But the injecting continued, the lies continued. I coudln’t take anymore! Now, last week he had to go to California to see his dad as he passed. I understand the agony and pain that can cause. I do. But while he was down there I decided to get an STD test ran. I get the results back yesterday and I tested positive for Herpes Simplex 2…I have never had an outbreak and I never thought I had it. I just got tested prevenativly. Turns out it was a good thing I did. Here is the kicker, I’ve never once cheated on this man. Never. He got tested at work a week earlier than me and he doesn’t have it…How the HELL do I have it and he doesn’t? SO I go back Thursday to talk to the Nurse Practitioner and find out the details about this STD. I know it’s life long and I know I could have sores, but I never have. And if I did in fact have it before I met him don’t you think I would have had a suspicion at least? I mean I got tested when I got pregnant and nothing came back for it…how on Earth did it just pop up out of no where all of the sudden and HE doesn’t have it? So now of course he thinks I cheated on him, which if that was the case I think He would have gotten it somehow. But he didn’t. He now thinks he has a **** made of gold and he is all mighty. Spare me. I’m getting retested to make sure they didn’t mix my labs up, and I am hoping he gets retested like he said he would. I just can’t do this anymore. I don’t have anywhere to go, and I really don’t want to raise my son like this. I can’t just go tell his job he is shooting up his pain meds, I can’t just go do all of this on my own because I don’t know the first place to go. I’m not a battered woman but I am a victim. Don’t get me wrong, I have done my fair share of being a mean ***** to him, but I don’t deserve any of this. I never was the type person to ask “Why me?” But now I’m starting to. I’m questioning my faith, why would God do this to his child? We are made in his imiage right? I don’t understand what I did so wrong to be handed a life so ******. I just want to move on and get me and my son a place together and be done with my husband. I want to be done with my Mother. I don’t want to be a complete failure loser, I just need a lot of guidance. Please anyone, give me some advice, I don’t know what to do, where to turn. I can’t go back to Texas and do this. I’ve practially been raising my son on my own since he was 6 months anyways. I have no problem doing this, I’m a great mother, but lately I have been so distracted and distraut that I just don’t know what to do. Please, anyone. Help me. I am seeing a counselor and have been for 3 weeks. I think I may be bipolar now because I have been having these mood swings when it comes to dealing with anything remotely stressful. I just tick and become a loon. I don’t lash out on my son, I just last out on my husband over the phone or his mother, or my mother. I feel SO lost, alone, and neglected. Please someone, lead me in the right direction…Please.
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