friends help: I feel worthless and lost.

steven.payn

I feel worthless and lost.

I cannot stop analyzing everything that goes on around me. Every person that I see, everything I touch, look at, smell, I must analyze. Sitting listening to conversations not even about me I find a way to loop back to myself as if the events they’re talking about are my fault. I feel as though i have no self-esteem. If someone says I ****** up I ****** up. I look at problems as if their causality is my own doing. My friends relationships affect me as if they were my own. I’m 21 years old and still see myself as worthless. Eveyrone tells us that there is something amazing and good coming if we just keep going but there really isn’t. What is there to do in this world? We all die at somepoint. when are things supposed to make you feel anything? I don’t feel emotions like I used to when I was in elementary school. Since grade school I have always suppressed ideas and emotions because poeple that I talked to would think I’m weird. Going through school with little to no friends is almost immpossible. So instead of making myself look like an idiot I kept my mouth shut. I am not stupid I know I can get really good marks when I apply myself. When I moved to Ottawa I didn’t know anyone so I just focused on school to keep myself ocupied and was a 95 student. I was accepted to Royal Military College and passed my first year but then things got bad and I just couldn’t focus. I spent every day thinking about what people said about me. Not good enough, too slow, ****. I hated my self and I’m not going to deny that I’ve tied killing myself a few times. Everytime I made up a story so no one would actualy know what had happened. I still think about this all the time. When I look in the mirror I don’t see anything special, there is really no reason that I am better than the next person. I argue with myself on a constant basis. It’s like it’s in my head all the time. Myself telling me I am wrong, stupid, undeserving, useless and honestly if there is anyone I’m going to listen to now is myself. It’s not always like this though, sometimes I’ll feel euphoric and not worry about what is going on but usually I make a mistake, or do something stupid and then its back to normal again. Recently I bought a cat because Iv’e been so lonely and the people that I talk to listen but don’t really care. I feel as if I already know the answer before I talk to people, as if they are mocking me inside their heads waiting impatiently for when I leave so that they can slip away unnoticed. I hate this world what the **** is the point if people that you talk to don’t care. My parents think I hate them cause I never really talk anymore. I never went to my graduation because the people there didn’t wnat me there. I started doing pot after I left RMC but have stopped now. I failed RMC and then after that I failed out of another university and now I’m going to college because thats all that I can get into. I read about complex theories and I understand them but when i talk to people about them they listen but don’t care, all the while they pretend they do. It’s hard to be someone when everyone has already done everything. I’m embarresed with myself. I look at other people and they are successful, good looking, have a girlfriend, go places and then there’s me. I wake up in the morning and I don’t even want to get out of bed somedays because I just feel like **** already. What Is going to happen today that will actually be good? Nothing is a whole lot of everything in my life . I am nothing. I am lost. I honestly dont know what to do or where to go from here. if anyone can give some insight as to what the hell is going on with me I’d be greatly apreciative. Just sitting here writing this out is embarrasing. I have no desire to go out or to hang out with friends or go clubing or meet new people or even leave my room. I’d rather stay at home all day. I have no desire to get laid or to get a girlfriend. I have little to no motivation to do anything. I’m 21 years old, alone, worthless and live with my parents again.

This open post was written 2 years, 9 months ago | V/U/S: 820, 6, 6 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

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Since writing this post steven.payn may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. steven.payn is a verified member, has been around for 3 years, 3 months and has 3 posts and 2 replies to their name.

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girlfriend, Sitting, friends, college, Listen, school, Person, stupid, failed, desire, Self-esteem, life, self-worth, suicide (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

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HelpBot 2 #
San Francisco, CA, US | 2 years, 9 months ago (0 minutes after post)

If you are contemplating suicide, hurting yourself, or you are seriously depressed: please, seek professional help!

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doompony12 0 #
An Unknown Location | 2 years, 9 months ago (10 hours, 17 minutes after post)

Man, it sounds like you have the same problems as me, just multiplied ten times.

But there is a way out. There is something else. You know better than anyone that this life sucks. Yes, there’s love and laughter and a lot to be grateful for but that stuff doesn’t always apply to everyone, and apparently not to you. Life is not supposed to be fulfilling in itself. You’re not supposed to get your confidence and worth from other people. Cut through the crap and you finally realize something: There has to be more. There IS more.

Whenever somebody mentions religion as a help, the asker is usually alienated and suspicious. But it sounds like your life is sort of a mess right now, and there’s a legit way out. God is real. He’s here. You ask yourself, “How can God have done this to me?” Don’t. Instead, look toward the future, not the past. It seems like you’re convinced that nobody likes you for who you are. Fine. Forget about them. It’s God that loves you and knows everything you’re going through. So start connecting. Start listening and reading to what God has to say, and what He’s done. You may be surprised to find that the motivation you’ve been looking for will suddenly appear. Go to a church. Talk to a priest. Just sit and pray for a little while. You don’t need to be a monk overnight. But if you persevere in developing your faith, the inner peace and satisfaction you lack will be given to you. At the least, you’ll have something to look forward to after this life is done. Give Christianity a shot. It’s not going to harm you.

carolynsteine #
An Unknown Location | 2 years, 9 months ago (1 day after post)

I am so incredibly sorry that you’re going through this. First and foremost, if you ever think about trying to kill yourself again please PLEASE seek help immediately. No life is worthless, we all have something to give and share with the world (and so much to gain from it!) and you are no exception. Don’t compare yourself to the “beautiful, successful people with girlfriends” because appearances can be deceiving, and EVERYONE has problems. No one is perfect, so please don’t think you’re somehow messed up.
I have dealt with depression myself and I urge you to fight this. Regardless of religion (I am not religious) something that may really benefit you is to read Regina Brett’s book “God Never Blinks”. There is so much insight and hope in her stories, and for me reading that book was a turning point in my personal healing.
You mentioned that you think you are worthless. You are not. I understand the hurt you are going through, the over-thinking and the negativity. But start a new habit. Every time you think or say something negative about yourself, think of one thing you like about yourself. I know you can do it - in terms of success, you yourself said that you are successful when you try! Be thankful for the things you have rather than longing for the things you don’t, put yourself out there and join a group or club or team - follow your interests and don’t let life get you down! Your mind is your own worst enemy, but if you train it you can make it your ally.
Also, please don’t assume the worst of people! Many people DO care about the things you have to say, and if you’ve had experiences with those who don’t, do not let those experiences discourage you from sharing yourself with the world. Let the bad apples roll off your shoulder and keep your head held high - you will find good people only if you expose yourself and show who you really are. Reconnect with your parents (it is unlikely that they really think you hate them) and let them help you - tell them what’s going on, they love you and know you better than anyone else ever will, so let them in. Please find a counselor or psychologist to talk to, and they can help you find your way back to happiness.
My final words to you - you said that some days you are euphoric. The next time that happens, note what is making you happy and be sure to incorporate it into your life more regularly.
Again I am sorry for all the hurt you’ve experienced but there’s no day like today to change that! Be a good friend to yourself, love yourself, and treasure your life because you’re lucky to have it!

I am so incredibly sorry that you're going through this. First and foremost, if you ever think about trying to kill yourself again please PLEASE seek help immediately. No life is worthless, we all have something to give and share with the world (and so much to gain from it!) and you are no exception. Don't compare yourself to the "beautiful, successful people with girlfriends" because appearances can be deceiving, and EVERYONE has problems. No one is perfect, so please don't think you're somehow messed up. 
I have dealt with depression myself and I urge you to fight this. Regardless of religion (I am not religious) something that may really benefit you is to read Regina Brett's book "God Never Blinks". There is so much insight and hope in her stories, and for me reading that book was a turning point in my personal healing. 
You mentioned that you think you are worthless. You are not. I understand the hurt you are going through, the over-thinking and the negativity. But start a new habit. Every time you think or say something negative about yourself, think of one thing you like about yourself. I know you can do it - in terms of success, you yourself said that you are successful when you try! Be thankful for the things you have rather than longing for the things you don't, put yourself out there and join a group or club or team - follow your interests and don't let life get you down! Your mind is your own worst enemy, but if you train it you can make it your ally. 
Also, please don't assume the worst of people! Many people DO care about the things you have to say, and if you've had experiences with those who don't, do not let those experiences discourage you from sharing yourself with the world. Let the bad apples roll off your shoulder and keep your head held high - you will find good people only if you expose yourself and show who you really are. Reconnect with your parents (it is unlikely that they really think you hate them) and let them help you - tell them what's going on, they love you and know you better than anyone else ever will, so let them in. Please find a counselor or psychologist to talk to, and they can help you find your way back to happiness.
My final words to you - you said that some days you are euphoric. The next time that happens, note what is making you happy and be sure to incorporate it into your life more regularly.
Again I am sorry for all the hurt you've experienced but there's no day like today to change that! Be a good friend to yourself, love yourself, and treasure your life because you're lucky to have it!

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ank.shett 0 #
An Unknown Location | 2 years, 8 months ago (1 month after post)

Read your post. Life is difficult. But we have to find a way to shake off on the negative stuff and carry on. To quote “If the earth were square we could curl up and hide in its corners but the earth is round so we must face it”.

I was wondering how are you doing now? I live in Ottawa too. If you want I can lend a ear and be a friend. I need one.

eedav #
An Unknown Location | 2 years, 7 months ago (2 months after post)

Know this: you are precious. Your life is precious. Everything may seem horribly wrong, empty, and meaningless, but you–YOU–really matter! I know its hard to see any hope for a better tomorrow, but trust me, there is. Do not give up. Please, do not even think to hurt yourself or take your life.

Please hear this, God loves you–specifically you. He knows all that you’re going through, and He can help you. His children on this earth love you, just find a place where they meet–a local church that exalts Jesus will be where you will find the people of God. You will find love there, and support there. You will find strength there. You will gain courage there. Your life, believe or not, is priceless. Jesus said, “What will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses his soul; or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?” Your soul is beyond any value known in this world–don’t do anything that would cause your soul to be lost.

I am so sorry for all the hurt and pain you are feeling deep inside, but there is a balm for your soul, and there is healing for all your troubles. Take sometime to learn about Him who cares for you more than anyone in this world ever could. Call to Him, He is your heavenly Father, and His name is Jesus. He will hear you when you call.

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Sarah_burto #
An Unknown Location | 2 months ago (2 years, 7 months after post)

I feel like this a lot. I am 32 now. It doesn’t get better but never let anyone k ow you are trying to kill yourself. I reached out for help once during a suicide attempt and regret it big time. I had to spent more than a week in a mental facility and am now labeled as one with “mental health issues”. Every day I wake up and regret not being allowed to die. Now I’m too afraid to try suicide again until I get a handgun. I’m pretty sure I won’t fail then. I wish I could tell you it gets better but it doesn’t. Every day I wake up, wishing I hadn’t, and alone. I’m a fairly attractive young lady, so finding someone to sleep with is not hard, but I’m worthless and empty inside so beyond sex, there is no reason for a man to want me around for long. The only way I get affection to feel like a person is by sleeping with stranger after stranger, hoping one day, one will either murder me or love me. I’d take either. This is all my future has in it and its very lonely here. I’m sorry you feel this.

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