I feel worthless and lost.
I cannot stop analyzing everything that goes on around me. Every person that I see, everything I touch, look at, smell, I must analyze. Sitting listening to conversations not even about me I find a way to loop back to myself as if the events they’re talking about are my fault. I feel as though i have no self-esteem. If someone says I ****** up I ****** up. I look at problems as if their causality is my own doing. My friends relationships affect me as if they were my own. I’m 21 years old and still see myself as worthless. Eveyrone tells us that there is something amazing and good coming if we just keep going but there really isn’t. What is there to do in this world? We all die at somepoint. when are things supposed to make you feel anything? I don’t feel emotions like I used to when I was in elementary school. Since grade school I have always suppressed ideas and emotions because poeple that I talked to would think I’m weird. Going through school with little to no friends is almost immpossible. So instead of making myself look like an idiot I kept my mouth shut. I am not stupid I know I can get really good marks when I apply myself. When I moved to Ottawa I didn’t know anyone so I just focused on school to keep myself ocupied and was a 95 student. I was accepted to Royal Military College and passed my first year but then things got bad and I just couldn’t focus. I spent every day thinking about what people said about me. Not good enough, too slow, ****. I hated my self and I’m not going to deny that I’ve tied killing myself a few times. Everytime I made up a story so no one would actualy know what had happened. I still think about this all the time. When I look in the mirror I don’t see anything special, there is really no reason that I am better than the next person. I argue with myself on a constant basis. It’s like it’s in my head all the time. Myself telling me I am wrong, stupid, undeserving, useless and honestly if there is anyone I’m going to listen to now is myself. It’s not always like this though, sometimes I’ll feel euphoric and not worry about what is going on but usually I make a mistake, or do something stupid and then its back to normal again. Recently I bought a cat because Iv’e been so lonely and the people that I talk to listen but don’t really care. I feel as if I already know the answer before I talk to people, as if they are mocking me inside their heads waiting impatiently for when I leave so that they can slip away unnoticed. I hate this world what the **** is the point if people that you talk to don’t care. My parents think I hate them cause I never really talk anymore. I never went to my graduation because the people there didn’t wnat me there. I started doing pot after I left RMC but have stopped now. I failed RMC and then after that I failed out of another university and now I’m going to college because thats all that I can get into. I read about complex theories and I understand them but when i talk to people about them they listen but don’t care, all the while they pretend they do. It’s hard to be someone when everyone has already done everything. I’m embarresed with myself. I look at other people and they are successful, good looking, have a girlfriend, go places and then there’s me. I wake up in the morning and I don’t even want to get out of bed somedays because I just feel like **** already. What Is going to happen today that will actually be good? Nothing is a whole lot of everything in my life . I am nothing. I am lost. I honestly dont know what to do or where to go from here. if anyone can give some insight as to what the hell is going on with me I’d be greatly apreciative. Just sitting here writing this out is embarrasing. I have no desire to go out or to hang out with friends or go clubing or meet new people or even leave my room. I’d rather stay at home all day. I have no desire to get laid or to get a girlfriend. I have little to no motivation to do anything. I’m 21 years old, alone, worthless and live with my parents again.
Since writing this post steven.payn may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. steven.payn is a verified member, has been around for 3 years, 3 months and has 3 posts and 2 replies to their name.
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