This post left anonymously
I’m so incredibly lonely.
All day, every day I feel like I don’t belong. I’ve never felt like I really belonged anywhere. On beautiful days I go for walks by myself and try to pretend I’m enjoying it, but I’m not. I have conversations with people, that’s not something I really have a problem with, but around lots of people I become very very uncomfortable.
I can’t relate to anybody I’ve ever met on the topic of sex. No, I’m not gay (but of course I’m okay with homosexuality, please don’t think me a homophobe), but I wouldn’t consider myself “normal straight” either. I have a tickling fetish. I’ve never met another person with a fetish before, and god, I wish I had someone to talk to about it. I’m in college, where everyone has sex at the drop of a hat, and yet I find myself completely unable to be aroused around other people. I KNOW for a FACT that I can’t be turned on if there’s no tickling involved, but I just don’t feel that there’s ANYBODY I trust enough to talk to about it. I don’t trust my parents at all. I don’t trust my siblings, my friends. I just need an outlet.
When I’m awake, I want to be asleep. I go through the day, all day every day, with an unyielding exhaustion. I’m emotionally weary. More than anything in the world, I want to find a woman I love, somebody I find attractive and somebody who is ticklish and okay with my fetish. I want to get rid of this sick and tired feeling and I want to be at peace with myself.
I have such a difficult time relaxing that I find it difficult to relax the muscles you need to relax in order to urinate. It’s much much worse around other people too. If I’m in a bathroom with others, I just can’t do it, which is just one of the reasons I feel so uncomfortable at social events, though I try to force myself to attend them anyway in hope that I will just “get used” to people. I’ve been to a urologist about this and he says that it’s just anxiety.
I have a bunch of nervous habits. I bite my nails, I chew on things, I pick at scabs, I often nervously look around rooms, but am terrified of making eye contact with people, so as soon as I do I quickly look away and hope they didn’t see. I’m terrified that women will know I find them attractive and I don’t know why. I really don’t know what to do.
Since writing this post Anonymous may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days.
Invite Others to Help
A logged in and verified Help.com member has the ability to setup a Friends List and invite others to help with posts.