So I kind of need some advice.
I’m 15 years old, and I live in a tiny hole of a town in Devon. At school they’ve started talking to us about further education and stuff, trying to pressure us into going to uni. All my friends are talking about getting to Oxford and doing law or medicine. Everyone assumes that I want to do the whole A levels, uni, good job, big house, 2.5 kids thing, and I thought that’s what I wanted too. But now I just don’t know. I feel so trapped by my life, by other people’s expectations. I just want to run away from everything, like I’ve been thinking how great it would be to just drop everything and bum around the world for a while, to not be tied down by anything, just go where the mood takes me. Lately I’ve been feeling so anxious about everything, and kind of paranoid, like I’m worried about what’s in my food, whether it’s going to make me sick, what other people are thinking, what my parents and teachers say about me behind my back. People talk to me and it’s like they’re miles away, and I can’t hear them right, like I can’t process what they’re saying. Sometimes I think about my life, try to imagine where I’m going, and I just can’t take it, I panic and I have to fight just to breathe. I guess I’m just scared, I feel like there’s a trap closing on me that i can’t escape from. A couple of times I’ve packed a bag and prepared to just leave, but every time I chicken out. I guess I just don’t have the guts. I love my parents, but their values and beliefs make me sick. I’m starting to wonder how much they actually care about me, how they’d react if I actually started being myself around them. I get in a lot of fights at school (okay, I usually start them, but it’s only retaliation for guys trying to feel me up or yelling abuse at me). My school is incredibly strict and I hate it there, but my parents are refusing to even talk about letting me go to college instead. They know I’d be happier there, but they care more about me getting good grades and being a good girl. I know this sounds like whiny teenage bullcrap, but I’m just saying how I feel, something I find difficult. I don’t know exactly what I was hoping to get in response, just advice I s’pose, from people a little older and wiser than myself. So, yeah, what do you think?
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