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I relate to this a lot, but I’m not like this anymore at the moment (well, there’s a part of me inside that is still apathetic and angry at turns, but outwardly, I’m doing okay.)

I don’t know what to say; I don’t know what to offer, sorry..:/

Is there a point that you’d say you started to feel this way? You mention how you’re doing academically in your post - are you disillusioned with “work” and where it’s headed?

I have also been feeling this way. Except with me it started the summer of freshman year, I have never been the same since. Now as a junior I’m still struggling with my emotions, I’m not as active, patient, or determined as I used to be. I’ve become lazy, hateful and angry in the matter of a few months. I suspect it’s because a lot of things happened at one time, but then again I should be over all of these things by now. I find it harder to forgive people and forgive myself for what has happened, I now let jealousy destroy me, and I have become mute. Yet, I’m still trying to figure how to get back to how I used to be. Anyway, I just want to let you know, I do completely understand how you’re feeling, and I just want to let you know you’re not alone.

ushinawa, what i think it is that you were putting to much pressure on youe self, to do good and to do it fast with out forsing your self to much like you said, there allways comes a time when you just slow down ans start to wonder off that takes a toll on you becasue you are not as focus as you you to be and thats way you get angry with your self because you feel you cant keep up with all that is going on in your life, i say this because is happening to me right now. dont give up just keep you head up and trust your self and know that everything is going to be alright

No apology necessary. I think I can relate to the latter portion of what it is you’re feeling. There’s a tendency for my mind to indulge in fantasies and escape the reality of the routine world from time to time. I think it’s called escapism. However, to address the matter of concern, I think, like any monotonous routine, we become so deeply absorbed by the things that repeat so often that we involuntarily undergo changes that we otherwise would not have undergone. In other words, we may feel and act differently than before as a result of the lack of variation in our daily routines. This may be completely irrelevant to your circumstances, however. If it is such, please disregard.

You know, I read your post and it really hit home. Bear with me, ok? My entire life I had been able to coast by in school, naturally soaking up information and being able to do amazing on exams and projects. Coasted through ugrad with flying colors and minimal efforts. Got to law school, and somehow ME, as the person who had always come out on top in everything, was having the MOST DIFFICULT time applying myself. I put in as much effort as I could, just to walk away with average grades. I watched as people coasted through with minimal effort, like I used to. I worked myself into the ground and still came up with minimally above-average grades. Seeing this, I started to procrastinate a lot. I put stuff off. I started avoiding doing work, figuring, I guess subconsciously, that if I just didn’t think about the work, I wouldn’t have to face it and the reality that for once, I was subpar and not on top. It was a really, really harsh reality. The only thing that balanced it out for me, was my joint degree where I could go and excel in my classes with hard work. Eventually, I realized that my daydreaming, ignoring rules of when to turn things in, and general avoidance of work were all avoidance mechanisms that I was subconsciously falling back on because I just couldn’t fathom the idea of NOT excelling and NOT being the one on top. It took a lot to confront this reality and to accept it, but once I tok at step back and looked at things, it all kind of made sense. While excelling in business, I was driven to continue to pursue the challenge of law school, and I PUSHED myself to keep at it and work hard. Whenever I realized I was doing one of my avoidance measures, I told myself to stop and focus on the reason I was there. It got me through some really tough times, and I think that for sticking it out, it was a rewarding challenge.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I totally identify with you and I would recommend looking inward to see if this new routine you have developed isn’t possibly stemming from a slight depression about not doing as well as you would have hoped in school or facing challenges for the first major time.

I know exactly what you mean, as I am in sort of a similar situation - being confined to same routine every day.

no problem ushinawa, but you see all the pressure you been putting to your self is only normal that your you mind is trayng to wonder off and fantazise to low the stress, you are a realy smart girl to do all that im impress, youll be fine :)

ooo im realy sorry about that !! wow i realy im i didnt know :(

That may just be the answer. It would be very useful in many circumstances I’m sure.

Your fear of failure may tie into this quite a bit. Perhaps… you get discouraged, and worried you will fail, so you try to keep yourself from failing. And if you’re like me, one of the ways you can do that is by giving up. That way, you don’t actually feel like you failed, because you had already surrendered. It’s not helpful, but it’s a mindset I sometimes have problems with.

Also, if you are discouraged, it makes me wonder how good those family and friend relationships are going. Are they deep, genuine relationships? Are you able to have ultimate trust and care from at least a few people? If so, they should make you feel better when you are with them, right? It seems possible that you are being discouraged because you are becoming more distanced from those people who can encourage you. Distant emotionally, that is. What do you think would happen if you fond someone you had a lot of trust for and talked to them about how you’ve been feeling recently?

And out of curiosity, what is your hatred aimed at? The world in general?

Outta curiosity, why do you hate the gov’t and the world in general?

Well, I kind of went thru a similar time early in grad school. I had some really horrific experiences, and for some reason, people never seemed to listen or want to address it. All I wanted was some kind of human communication to talk to people about what was going on in my life and ideas on how to resolve it (I work best talking things out and bouncing ideas off of people). But no one seemed to care. Which was made twice as bad because whenever anyone else had a problem and needed to vent, I would always be there because that is what I consider that a friend would do. For a long time it was really depressing and I felt isolated because no one really seemed to care. And I couldn’t talk about any of it with my family because none of it would go over well with them. It gave me A LOT of bitterness towards humanity, and for a summer, I had NOTHING to do with anyone because I was so bitter at how fickle and fake everyone seemed.

Anyhow, I guess I ultimately justified it by realizing that everyone is working really hard and in a really pressure-filled environment right now. But I still can’t get over how I would be there for them, but not the reverse. It just gave me a lot of inward strength because for the first time ever, I had to look inward and figure things out for myself. And that has sort of translated into my philosophy that at the end of the day, the only one you can really and truly depend upon is yourself. That’s it. You’re the only one who will be there and who knows what’s right for you. So treat yourself well and build that inner strength, because you never know when everyone else in the world will run out and you’re left depending on yourself. I don’t really turn to people now to deal with problems (with the exception of this board which I just recently found) . . . instead, I think I’ve kind of developed a harder edge that I never had and I kind of just deal with things as they come. I’ve noticed that I am less willing to deal with BS and tend to call things out if I think something should be addressed. But I still try to keep the humanity in life by listening and being available for others because, as much as I don’t want to admit it, I still appreciate anyone who is actually willing to sit down and listen to me.

Yeah, you’ve obvi developed a harder edge in response to people closing you out or not being there for you. It’s a hard reality to deal with that people won’t always be there to listen or support us, even when we know we would be there in a heartbeat for them. It’s tough, and it really does take a long time to come to terms with. Don’t doubt yourself, you seem like you’re pretty smart and have a lot going for you, as well as a lot to offer people. Give it time, you’ll find people who truly value you as much as you value yourself. Til then, just remember, at the end of the day, all ya got is yourself so be the best you that you can be.