Why are you even with him..Divorce help: my husband almost raped me last night and i dont know what to - Help.com

One of two..

Work on your relationship or end it.

I have no idea on how this relation is so you will know best self which way to take it.

That’s a very difficult topic, “rape in a marriage” …

Why are you still married?

i want to work on it but i dont want to be treated like this he terrified me and forced me to do all apart from full sex and i cant leave

Anonymous wrote:
i want to work on it but i dont want to be treated like this he terrified me and forced me to do all apart from full sex and i cant leave

Seems like you´re in a controlling relation then.
Why do you let him control you?

im frightened, we have been together 10 years but only married 1. we have children everyone warned us not to get together and i want tp prove them that we can work

Is there no “women’s refuge” near your place?

there probably is but i dopnt want to leave him, i love him i just need to know how to get past this

A very contradictory situation …
Are you mentally dependent on him?

Anonymous wrote:
im frightened, we have been together 10 years but only married 1. we have children everyone warned us not to get together and i want tp prove them that we can work

I don´t think you´re very successful so far. Don´t get me wrong though.

There should not be any fear ruling a relation. If you don´t go at this you will never change anything.
If he has power over your emotion and controlling you by fear then you have a greater task than you can handle by yourself atm. You need to stand up to him and show him that you´re not afraid to take away the power. Two things can happen then, it will be taken to the next level or there will be opportunity for a discussion of the terms in the relation.

i think i might be i dont know, i dont feel like me anymore, i live to make him happy and i know how pathetic that sounds but i dont have the strength to change it. if i left i know he would kill himself as he has tried in the past and that wouldnt be fair on my c hildren. they adore him, oh im so pathetic i know what i would say to someone else in this situation but its so differnt when you are in it your self

You should really visit the women’s refuge, first only to DISCUSS your situation with the experienced women there!
You’re in danger!

i cant visit a womans refuge, he would know i was going. I cant go anywhere without him going crazy. I went to a family function withuout him a few weeks ago and he went mad because it went on longer than we thought it would and he constantly says now that I was with another man because it took so long

that is not helpful luntan

Also he has some information on me and photos of me (explicit) and keeps threatening to post them on facebook for all my family to see

Oh my goodness! You’re really in great danger, believe me! And your children are in it too!

You should prepare carefully the exit of this situation for you and your children! With them together you should escape to the women’s refuge!
Don’t care about his suicide threat! You’re in the middle of a “Stockholm syndrome”! (More about it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockhol… ) — He THREATENS you, but you LOVE him, that’s your unhealthy paradoxical situation. Go away! Together with your children!

••• Save your life and the life of them! •••

We have a very active sex life and do it an average of 7 times a week and after 10years together i dont think anyone can say i dont give him enough sexually

the bottom line is:he is abusive. he is most likely abusing your children too, if y ou dont leave your a horrible mother.

Stick around with him. With any luck, your children will adopt his values and abuse their own spouses sexually and mentally.

Get some pepper spray while youre thinking it over.

He is 100% not abusing my children he is fantastic father and the kids have never witnessed any of his abuse towards me

Anonymous wrote:
He is 100% not abusing my children he is fantastic father and the kids have never witnessed any of his abuse towards me

Kids are not that stupid you know.
Even though i could not see my folks in their retarded ways i was affected by it.

Try this website: lucky mojo curio. Its entertainiing if nothing else.

Have you talked to him about this? If you ask him to attend marriage counseling with you, he should realize that you want to work on your marriage, and that you are not cheating. Right now it sounds like he is very controlling, but that his jealousy and your fear have place you in a vicious cycle. You don’t want to have sex if it is forced or coerced. He may perceive your hesitance as a sign that you are interested in another man. If he objects to seeing a counselor with you on the basis of it costing too much money, have a free or inexpensive option ready, such as a church pastor.

Sans wrote:
Have you talked to him about this? If you ask him to attend marriage counseling with you, he should realize that you want to work on your marriage, and that you are not cheating. Right now it sounds like he is very controlling, but that his jealousy and your fear have place you in a vicious cycle. You don’t want to have sex if it is forced or coerced. He may perceive your hesitance as a sign that you are interested in another man. If he objects to seeing a counselor with you on the basis of it costing too much money, have a free or inexpensive option ready, such as a church pastor.

Sounds to me like the guys a predator. And you’re stuck in an abusive relationship, and when I say “stuck” I mean “stuck”. The only person that can get you to leave is you, and unfortunately this doesn’t usually happen until you hit (what you would consider) rock bottom. You keep holding out, hoping things will get better but they won’t. And if you do decide to leave, if he comes crawling back saying he’ll change. Stay strong, because he won’t. You will have to leave him for good.

Take this advice as you will. My opinion comes from my experiences while working as law enforcement. That includes the bit about him being a predator.

aris_unlimite wrote:
Sounds to me like the guys a predator.

The poster hasn’t told us enough to conclude that her husband is a predator. Controlling, yes. Jealous, yes. Selfish enough to pressure her to have sex when she didn’t want to? Yes. Manipulative and coercive? Yes. The quick jealousy and the threat to post explicit images of her online to embarrass her is a big red flag. But she says they have been having consenting sex every day for ten years. And if any of you have been married, you know that sometimes one or the other spouse doesn’t feel like it (more often the wife) but does it anyway to please the spouse. That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s forced. But it sounds like this situation is bordering on abuse and has the potential to get much worse. The poster may eventually conclude that the husband can’t change, but the only way to find out is through communication. If he isn’t hearing her now, a marriage counselor is the next step, unless she feels she is in immediate danger.

No gentleman would (1) force himself upon any woman, even his wife; (2) threaten to post pictures of his wife on the internet; or (3) threaten suicide if she were to leave.

About people changing . . . you read all kinds of books and see all kinds of movies about someone bringing about dramatic change in his or her life. And that’s the reason that it’s the subject of books and movies–because it so seldom happens in real life.

Sooner or later, the kids will see what’s going on, and believe it or not–he will be their role model for a husband and a father. They will treat their own spouses the same way. Wife too tired for sex? NOOOO problem . . . just force yourself on her! Wife not doing exactly as you want her to? NOOOO problem . . . just threaten to post embarrassing pictures of her on the internet . . . or threaten suicide . . . or use whatever emotional blackmail seems to be the handiest and most effective.

P.S. A “fantastic father” does not abuse the mother of his children!

Our relationship has been through many bad times but equally as many good times. Reading back over what i have written i can see that its coming across all bad. there was physical abuse in our relationship years ago and my husband was diagnosed with depression and given medication to help him, i was also diagnosed with depression (post natal) and have been on medication for almost 7 years. My husband has stopped talking his medication and I believe this is why he became abusive last night. I know from experience with him that the only way he will come out of this is to start taking it again and he needs to feel he has hit rock bottom before this will happen. (im hoping that he will see last night as this). I am in no way a perfect wife and when his depression gets like it is at the minute i should be more supportive but i find myself always being defensive rather than supportive. Being depressed is no excuse for what happened last night. What happened exactly was that we were in bed watching a film and i fell asleep. He got angry saying i never pay him any attention and show him i love him. I do try but its not always easy. We then got into a big argument where i went to leave the room and he through me on the bed and proceeded to touch me and shout at me satying i should enjoy it. Some of the comments he was making were so vile it made me feel sick. HE could see i was extremley destressed. He eventually stopped and told me to go to the bathroom and compose myself. When i came back he was loving and caring towards me. We did then have conscentual sex, ( iwas not in the mood but just wanted the whole thing to be over although i didnt tell him this) Afterwards he held me and said that he knew he had hurt me and he was truly sorry. We then went to sleep and when he woke this moring he acted like nothing had happened.

NotJustWhistlinDIXIE wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He is 100% not abusing my children he is fantastic father and the kids have never witnessed any of his abuse towards me

…yet.

even if you think it’s okay to be manipulated and controlled, you don’t have any right to expose your children to this. he might not hurt them yet, but it’s only a matter of time before he does so mentally or physically. he is a bully and a predator, and once your kids are old enough to start stepping out of line, out comes the abusive father in him. honestly, if a man treats a woman the way he treats you, he’s better off killing himself than ruining your life and the life of his children.

you can’t change him by marrying him. you can change him by letting him rape you. you can’t change him by living your entire life trying to serve and please him. he will always be this way. and you’re putting this dangerous man in a household with children. it’s a ticking time bomb, and you’re the only one in any position to stop it.

chev.jame wrote:
No gentleman would (1) force himself upon any woman, even his wife; (2) threaten to post pictures of his wife on the internet; or (3) threaten suicide if she were to leave.

About people changing . . . you read all kinds of books and see all kinds of movies about someone bringing about dramatic change in his or her life. And that’s the reason that it’s the subject of books and movies–because it so seldom happens in real life.

Sooner or later, the kids will see what’s going on, and believe it or not–he will be their role model for a husband and a father. They will treat their own spouses the same way. Wife too tired for sex? NOOOO problem . . . just force yourself on her! Wife not doing exactly as you want her to? NOOOO problem . . . just threaten to post embarrassing pictures of her on the internet . . . or threaten suicide . . . or use whatever emotional blackmail seems to be the handiest and most effective.

P.S. A “fantastic father” does not abuse the mother of his children!

I agree with all of your points, but a marriage counselor should be the first step, unless he forced himself on her. In that case, a women’s shelter is needed immediately.

Poster, by “almost raped” do you mean that you thought he was going to do it, or that he forced you to do something but not intercourse?

Wizardof0zy wrote:

NotJustWhistlinDIXIE wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He is 100% not abusing my children he is fantastic father and the kids have never witnessed any of his abuse towards me

…yet.

even if you think it’s okay to be manipulated and controlled, you don’t have any right to expose your children to this. he might not hurt them yet, but it’s only a matter of time before he does so mentally or physically. he is a bully and a predator, and once your kids are old enough to start stepping out of line, out comes the abusive father in him. honestly, if a man treats a woman the way he treats you, he’s better off killing himself than ruining your life and the life of his children.

you can’t change him by marrying him. you CAN’T change him by letting him rape you. you can’t change him by living your entire life trying to serve and please him. he will always be this way. and you’re putting this dangerous man in a household with children. it’s a ticking time bomb, and you’re the only one in any position to stop it.

i mean he forced me to do stuff but not intercourse

Anonymous wrote:
i mean he forced me to do stuff but not intercourse

In that case, you should call a women’s shelter and ask what the next steps are. If he has actually forced you to do anything, that is violence and can’t be tolerated. You don’t deserve that, and you can’t expose your children to danger. Even if he may get along well with them now, a man who is bullying his wife could change in a moment and be abusing the kids too.

Would you like for us to help you find a shelter in your area?

honestly, its pathetic that you feel that you need to stay in a relationship with someone just because they have depression. its not fair to you. what about you? How long are you going to make excuses? How long are you going to let this happen. When are you going to be strong and realize that you need to step up be a woman and take charge and cut the cancer out of your life? its ok for you to be in an abusive relationship when its just YOU getting hurt but you have children. its no longer about you and your relationship with him. grow up, step and take action. no matter what anybody says to you on here they are doing nothing more than enabling you to rationalize why you should stay with him. you keep arguing with everyone that tried to help you see that your lifestyle is unhealthy.
the real question is why do you want to be abused and how long are going to deal with this?

Anonymous wrote:
i cant visit a womans refuge, he would know i was going. I cant go anywhere without him going crazy. I went to a family function withuout him a few weeks ago and he went mad because it went on longer than we thought it would and he constantly says now that I was with another man because it took so long

You are a prisoner. You need to escape as soon as possible and you need to report this “near-rape” to the authorities because it will help you get custody of the children.

Anonymous wrote:
Also he has some information on me and photos of me (explicit) and keeps threatening to post them on facebook for all my family to see

Let him do it! You must break free from this, and you will need counseling before and after.

Anonymous wrote:
We have a very active sex life and do it an average of 7 times a week and after 10years together i dont think anyone can say i dont give him enough sexually

WHO CARES? Why should you give him ANYTHING?

Anonymous wrote:
He is 100% not abusing my children he is fantastic father and the kids have never witnessed any of his abuse towards me

“A fantastic father?” NO WAY. Children know what’s going on … They see you being his slave. Let them see you stand up and MOVE OUT. Set a good example for them.

Anonymous wrote:
We then got into a big argument where i went to leave the room and he through me on the bed and proceeded to touch me and shout at me satying i should enjoy it. Some of the comments he was making were so vile it made me feel sick. HE could see i was extremley destressed. He eventually stopped and told me to go to the bathroom and compose myself. When i came back he was loving and caring towards me. We did then have conscentual sex, ( iwas not in the mood but just wanted the whole thing to be over although i didnt tell him this) Afterwards he held me and said that he knew he had hurt me and he was truly sorry. We then went to sleep and when he woke this moring he acted like nothing had happened.

ICK. Horrible. Get out, if you have any self-respect left.

It’s a tragedy!

We all, outside of your relationship, can see, that you’re abused, that you’re a victim — but you yourself you cannot (that’s why I made reference to the Stockholm syndrome).

What you have to think about: We all here are ON YOUR SIDE, we want only the best for YOU and YOUR CHILDREN. Nothing else!

Don’t fight against our advices which are very serious. Compare your sayings:

You started with:
• “he almost raped me”
• “i dont know what to do”
• “im frightened”
• “i dont feel like me anymore, i live to make him happy”
• “I cant go anywhere without him going crazy”
• “he has some information on me and photos of me (explicit) and keeps threatening to post them on facebook”
• “Some of the comments he was making were so vile it made me feel sick”

But then you changed your direction:
• “he is fantastic father” (Can’t be true after all we know.)
• “the kids have never witnessed any of his abuse towards me” (How can you believe such rubbish? Children are able to FEEL very well what happens between the parents — but they don’t speak about to you or him!)
• “I am in no way a perfect wife” (Nobody is perfect; you can’t use this as an argument IN HIS FAVOR!)
• “He got angry saying i never pay him any attention and show him i love him.” (This — in his favor — you have INTERNALIZED, no?)

What do you really FEEL all about? Is your gut feeling buried?
I’m sure you need HELP, and you know this too — why else would you have made this post here!?

So you have to ACT now! Bring you AND your children out of this DESTRUCTIVE living conditions!
STOP defending him, STOP all that blandishing and whitewashing, STOP your enslavement!
RIGHT NOW!

Run, run far far away from this man and take your kids with you. Get out get out get out get out.

That’s all I can say.

It is high time you moved out of this relationship. Apart from the fact posted by you, he is threatening you with something and it is not safe to stay with him any more. What would you do if he makes someone else do to you what he has done to you last night? Would you still sit in his home and ponder over what to do next? Now, this might be the next stage of his behaviour. Leave him. Move out with your children. They need you more than they need him.
Read Zirbel’s reply again, slowly and attentively.
You HAVE to move out of this relationship.

I’m not one for allowing people excuses for bad behavior. If they cannot or will not act civilly towards others, they need to be taken out of general society and put somewhere that they cannot hurt anyone.

How could you make love to someone who did such things to you?

Sounds like a co-dependency to me . . . he likes to dish it out, and you like to take it.

You posted before, or somebody else similiar. You have twin girls? You should take your kids out.

Oh ,when i read some of the Replay ,i just have to shake my Head.. Marriage ??? Rape??? Have to do sexual Stuff call it kinky??Are you a Plastic Doll??Have you got a Brain??Have you got Legs to walk?? Women If you are married and don’t want to do what he wants you to do DONT DO IT…Oh I’m scared of him,he is jealous,he might beat me .Well there is a Door .. There is a Phone…. There is family… there are children to be considered… Maybe it is not enough Sex you give him..He wants more.Some Men are hungry after Sex some Women don’t even needed. The best go and see a Counselor.If he threatens you …Call the Police..Maybe ,tell him if he doesn’t stop he will get nothing.maybe he does not satisfy you?? That is why your not interested anymore.All Suggestions ,but counseling is my bet.Good Luck.

Anonymous wrote:
i want to work on it but i dont want to be treated like this he terrified me and forced me to do all apart from full sex and i cant leave

You can call it what you want, but the law calls that rape. He forced himself on you. That was the point. Please leave. Next time it might not be what you consider almost-rape. He might force himself inside you, painfully, while you scream, and that would be the most terrible experience I can imagine. I spelled it out like that because I want you to think about it and be afraid, and please, please, use this fear and leave. NOW. NOW.

Salt wrote:
You posted before, or somebody else similiar. You have twin girls? You should take your kids out.

no i dont have tweins and not posted before

Anonymous wrote:

Salt wrote:
You posted before, or somebody else similiar. You have twin girls? You should take your kids out.

no i dont have tweins and not posted before

Have you decided what you’re doing yet, having read the replies? Are you leaving yet?

SCARY!!!! your choices are
1- Leave (which i know you say is impossible, but many, many women have done it before you)
2- Stay and take it (which i personally think is a terrible idea. It’s a decision that could cost you your life in the end)

Ok, just from reading a couple of the top posts…
GET OUT!
He is abusive to you, mentally. You have been manipulated into staying with him. I know I’ve been there.
As for the pictures….. when he’s not home delete them, if it’s on a cell wait till he’s passed out, delete them and leave. Your kids may adore him but there is NO EXCUSE whatsoever to keep yourself in that situation. What is gonna happen if you get hurt? Would you trust him to watch those children.
You need to put them first. Period no excuses. You can not take care of a child or children if you can’t even take care of yourself you’ll wind up driving yourself crazy.
You need to go to a safe house, there is no way he can step foot on the property there either. If he does they will have him arrested, no your children would not see it either they would shield them from it and if they did see it, they would discuss it in a very respectful manner as to explain that dad needs a little help.
You need to make the choice.
Don’t make excuses.

Your husband needs help. You need help.

You seem to be unwilling to seek it from people within your community. We, here, can help you- but only to a degree. You need to tell somebody; because that will offer some sort of protection. No need to proclaim it from the rooftops; just tell a friend. A trustworthy friend.

One day, one of my teachers came to school with a giant black eye. She claimed that her two year old had done this to her… but one look at her would tell you that wasn’t true. She moved to another school, got divorced, and then got fired from her job.

If you don’t seek actual help, then there will be horrible impacts upon yourself and your community.

If your husband attacks you for trying to help him, then he’s the wrong person. He will pose great dangers upon yourself, your children, and your community. The decision to tell someone is not to be taken lightly, but you cannot continue with your current path.

Tell someone before you have to do something worse.

I seriously think that there is something wrong with your husband or maybe he’s smart enough to use your EQ towards his advantage. He is abusing you and there is no point in sticking with him. If your really care about the well being of your children. Pack your bags and go.

Discuss this to somebody whose an expert.

Children learn by example. The question I have for you is do you hope they adopt his abusive ways, or do you hope they adopt your “do whatever you want to me because I’m worthless” ? That is the 2 options you are posing to your children. Say what you want but its the truth. My mother was in an abusive relationship with my step father. She stayed with him because of my half brother. She never thought he was abusing anyone other than her. She found out how wrong she was when I finally got the courage to go to the police and then my brother, who was only 4, told them what his father was doing to him. Think about it, if he can get other people outside the home to think he is a good person, what makes you think he cant pull the wool over your eyes with your children? BE A MOTHER!

um whatever rape is illegal even in marriage, police jail, gone gone gone

Anonymous wrote:
We have a very active sex life and do it an average of 7 times a week and after 10years together i dont think anyone can say i dont give him enough sexually

Maybe thats too much…

regardless this poster doesnt seem to actually want help, she just wants attention.

Rape is rape. When she married him she didn’t give up her right to say “no.” If he hits her it’s still abuse. If he steals money from her personal savings account it’s still stealing. If he forces her to have sex it’s still rape.

A married woman is not a possession. She is an equal, in the eyes of the law and in the eyes of anyone who isn’t stuck in the stone ages due to culture or religion or just good, old-fashioned sexism.

Edited by Moderator - Reason: to remove quoted text. fractal.scatter

Here i go with Dr Ralph ,except i disagree with the Time …..Mine??? A ONE A TWO
FINNISH….

Sorry Ralph but even I can see that u have the wrong opinion on this one…sorry as for the op I say get out

Anonymous wrote:
He is 100% not abusing my children he is fantastic father and the kids have never witnessed any of his abuse towards me

You seriously believe the kids have no idea???!!!
Do your children see you happy all the time?
How is this marriage good for your kids?
How is this marriage good for you?
You and he have sex upto 7 times a week ~ How does ‘having sex’ with this man make ‘you’ feel?
What are you teaching your children by being in this marriage?
What is your husband teaching your children by being in this marriage?
What makes you so sure he has not and will not abuse the children?
Are there times when he is alone with just the children?

He’s sexual assaulting u. U got to be strong. U have to do something about it! Kick ‘em in the nuts or something to warn him that it’s wrong for him to treat u like that.

Anonymous wrote:
i love him i just need to know how to get past this

Sorry to ask so many questions darling, but i just wanted you to ask yourself this other question -
What are the qualities that I most love about my husband?
Also, how are you going to get past this?
Mmmmm, forgiveness, forgive him for raping you. Yes, that’s right, you must forgive and forget, and move on, like he never threw you on the bed, said horrible words to you, forget he told you to go to bathroom to get yourself together. That would be ok, yeh? He did say he was sorry after, so it should be alright? What you think?

barbyman wrote:
… Dr Ralph …

Not banned, but the replies have been removed; primarily as they are not particularly conducive to helping the OP. Seems some people may need to think again before sending any replies.

If you told him no but he was going to anyway then you should tell the police. Some of the things you’re saying sound odd. It’s not that you’re odd. It’s the way you describe your husband. He sounds like a controller if he has to know everything you do. and he was going to rape you which means he doesn’t really care about how you feel. If you left your husband and the abuse that comes with him then your children could look up to you later in life and if they got into the same situation they could think, well my mam did it, so so can I. Think about it,would you like your children to be where you are now? and nearly be raped. no. so why don’t you set a good example for them.

my mam and dad used to fight. my dad threw knives at my mam once. but my mam stayed with him, because she LOVED him. he ended up giving her a nervous breakdown. she’s overdosed once before. she doesn’t have a life. she wasn’t allowed to go out for a meal when my dad was away at work. because he wanted to go for a meal aswell. I think my mam is an absolute idiot. and I would have respected her alot more if she had had the respect for herself and left to HAVE A LIFE.

How old are your children? because if he doesn’t treat you right then he may in the future start treating your children in ways that he shouldn’t aswell. If the children never witnessed any abuse to you,what about if you have never witnessed any abuse to your children? People can be sly and sneeky. Things can happen behind your back. It happened to me.

I’m gonna send afew links on here that you could look at to see if you think he is a controller or not. He doesn’t trust you and you’re afraid of him. or atleast I would be if he was gonna rape you! What is the point of having a relationship if you can’t trust each other or enjoy each others company. It’s definately not setting a good example for the children either because they will think that his behaviour is normal.

at the end of the day, I can’t MAKE you do ANYTHING. YOU have to do it. All we can do is give you advice. It’s up to you if you take it or not. But I had a screw up family and I don’t want your children or you to have one aswell. I don’t even really talk to my family anymore. It causes alot of grief so I’m just wanna advise to you that you should get out. never mind the lovey stuff cos it’s a load of rubbish. get yourself out.

would you like to spend the rest of your life with a nut and become mentally ill with depression ect and your children may grow up with it and have it when they’re older.

or

would you like to give yourself and your children a second chance and have another chance of findig a lovely guy that will treat you right, someone you can trust and someone who will love you back. be able to have your freedom and go out whenever you want. talk to whoever you want.

It’s your choice.

is he anything like the descriptions on these sites?
http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/si…
http://www.mentalhealthce.com/courses…

fractal.scatter wrote:
Not banned, but the replies have been removed …

But I can’t find his nick (Dr Ralph) anymore (even not with the search tool http://help.com/search?search_user=Dr+* ); maybe he changed the nick name?

Zirbel wrote:

fractal.scatter wrote:
Not banned, but the replies have been removed …

But I can’t find his nick (Dr Ralph) anymore …

I got the answer kindly shouted by fractal.scatter. (Ralph is now “Docteur Ralph”. *lol*)
Done.

NotJustWhistlinDIXIE wrote:

You are kind of a busy-body, aren’t you booby? …lol

Cheeky little miss! ;-)

I have to say that whether you know it or not the children more than you think they do…trust me, they know. If he is this way to you he is to them, you are just blind to it because you are so desperate to please him. When your whole world revolves him and his does revolve around you, it won’t work. I have 21 years experience of trying to do the right thing, stick it out, give him everything and I mean everything…and still he didn’t give me back the love and devotion and respect I deserved…When he started verbally abusing my daughter I had to draw the line…there were always little threats here and there…but nothing major till she turned 16 and became her mother…then it got worse and worse and worse..I finally saw the light when I had surgery on my head and he didn’t go, didn’t care, and then lashed out…My baby and I are better off without him. AS ARE YOU! Please don’t post if you don’t want help, I know how desperate you are…been there, I have had every form of abuse you can have from the one person that vowed to love honor and cherish…it’s not worth it…you lose yourself and then you are not the mother or person even that you need to be…GET out and get help…whatever you decide I will pray for you today…every day…

how did he almost rape you? it’s good if your own husband wants you.. why don’t you want him and why did you marry him?

It is very difficult to address a comment like this without knowing more about the context, the history of your relationship, what you mean by the words you used, and so on. If it was violent and you were hurt, and if this is behavior that has been escalating over time, then you should be concerned and you need to have a frank conversation with him now stating that this must stop. If you two can still have an honest, calm conversation, then try to find out what is going on with him and what this anger is really about.

txasre wrote:
I have to say that whether you know it or not the children more than you think they do…trust me, they know. If he is this way to you he is to them, you are just blind to it because you are so desperate to please him. When your whole world revolves him and his does revolve around you, it won’t work. I have 21 years experience of trying to do the right thing, stick it out, give him everything and I mean everything…and still he didn’t give me back the love and devotion and respect I deserved…When he started verbally abusing my daughter I had to draw the line…there were always little threats here and there…but nothing major till she turned 16 and became her mother…then it got worse and worse and worse..I finally saw the light when I had surgery on my head and he didn’t go, didn’t care, and then lashed out…My baby and I are better off without him. AS ARE YOU! Please don’t post if you don’t want help, I know how desperate you are…been there, I have had every form of abuse you can have from the one person that vowed to love honor and cherish…it’s not worth it…you lose yourself and then you are not the mother or person even that you need to be…GET out and get help…whatever you decide I will pray for you today…every day…

Thank you for this touching and moving description of your own experience and for your openness! Let’s hope that the poster can hear you!

anon? Are you still there?
You’ve heard a lot on this post and there’s not much new I can say to you, I just wanted to tell you that I was with someone for two years who sounds incredibly similar to your husband..
His father and mother had seperated a few times but always got back together and never divorced.. his father was incredibly controlling and manipulative to his mother.
I always thought my boyfriend may not have ended up this way if he had not watched his parents be like this or years..
And the people above are right, even if the children don’t really know consciously they pick things up. People learn how to be in relationships from their parents, they learn the good and the bad. I they don’t become like you and find a controlling partner of their own, they may even become like him.
I don’t mean to scare you.. I just think you should try to be aware of what you’re children are being exposed to.
I wish you luck.
And I hope you do take the idea of conselling on board. It can be incredibly helpful.

bthca wrote:
regardless this poster doesnt seem to actually want help, she just wants attention.

I agree.

7 times a week for 10 years and he almost raped you! Puzzling!!! Seems like you have gotten plenty of advise.

Divorce.

When I was 15 years old it was impossible to rape your spouse in the US of A. By 1993 it was possible to do it in all 50 states… So for 200 years you could have sex with your spouse whenever you chose, but things change. Apparently it is no longer correct to think as we did when I grew up. Sorry my opinions do not change with the times and my replies must be removed, but I stand by my convictions.

I think a lot of times sex is consensual up to a point. Take the Kobe Bryant case. The woman agreed to have sex until he tried something she did not want and in the heat of passion suddenly he was a rapist… really. It kind of goes from black and white to a gray area then. Can you just shout stop at any moment and suddenly it is rape? That seems a little strange to me. How fast do you have to stop? Suddenly it is about power, and the one who cries rape in the middle of sex has it now.

Docteur Ralph wrote:
I think a lot of times sex is consensual up to a point. Take the Kobe Bryant case. The woman agreed to have sex until he tried something she did not want and in the heat of passion suddenly he was a rapist… really. It kind of goes from black and white to a gray area then. Can you just shout stop at any moment and suddenly it is rape? That seems a little strange to me. How fast do you have to stop? Suddenly it is about power, and the one who cries rape in the middle of sex has it now.

Well, again, “Docteur”, the definition of rape is easy — even you may understand it:
Rape is all kind of sexual behavior against an other person (woman or man) WITHOUT ACCORDANCE with this person. There is no excuse like she or he “agreed to have sex”, because — even started as a consensual sexual event — if ever the harmed person says “don’t do it, I detest it!” or “stop this right now!” and nevertheless the other person acts it out, rape starts, the humiliation begins.

(An other point is the trouble to prove a rape, especially if it happened in a partnership or marriage — and this unfortunately makes the position of a raped person more often weak in court. Defense lawyers like to argue just in the way you did: “No, they’d consensual sex” and “no the so-called rapist was at full speed in his emotion, so hot and desiring” …)

Leave him, you’re damaging your childern, your showing your husband that you’re a doormat, he sees you as little better than a wh0re if he will treat you that way, i think you see yourself as similar.

There are lots of options for you if only you would give them a cvhance.

Why stay just to prove everyone else wrong, will you be happy when you’re an old lady, lying on your death bed thinging ‘i know i had a very miserable life, never found the love iof my life cos i stuck with some loser, my kids resent me, my family disowned me,i’m here all alone, but at least i proved those people wrong all those years ago’

Is that worth it, really, just to pove a point, you would put yourself \& your kids through that?
I mean, im stuborn & wi9ll go out of my way to prove someoen wrong, but would i throw my entire life, future & hapiness away for it????
He11 no!!!!!!!!!

NotJustWhistlinDIXIE wrote:

BuckingFastard wrote:
…would i throw my entire life, future & hapiness away for it????
He11 no!!!!!!!!!

Amen, sister!

Thanks :)

NotJustWhislinDixie, certainly know that. What is puzzling is why a guy would have to resort this kind of behavior when they apparently had a very active sex life. Usually, it’s the other way around.

NotJustWhistlinDIXIE wrote:

Qzzzzz101 wrote:
NotJustWhislinDixie, certainly know that. What is puzzling is why a guy would have to resort this kind of behavior when they apparently had a very active sex life. Usually, it’s the other way around.

Again, it has nothing to do with sex or romance. It is ALL about power and control.

Yes, dear Dixie, you’re completely right! That’s the main point on the rape topic.

NotJustWhistlinDIXIE wrote:
Of course I’m right, Z. …Aren’t I always? :-)

Modesty forbids to say … *lol*

NotJustWhistlinDIXIE wrote:

Zirbel wrote:

NotJustWhistlinDIXIE wrote:
Of course I’m right, Z. …Aren’t I always? :-)

Modesty forbids to say … *lol*

Modesty? What’s that? …lol

I’ve heard of this modesty thing you speak of, i’m sure i’ve heard mention of it some time

loll… what would I know! !%@#$^#%&#^$#%*$^%*$^

NotJustWhistlinDIXIE wrote:

BuckingFastard (J.N) wrote:

NotJustWhistlinDIXIE wrote:

Zirbel wrote:

NotJustWhistlinDIXIE wrote:
Of course I’m right, Z. …Aren’t I always? :-)

Modesty forbids to say … *lol*

Modesty? What’s that? …lol

I’ve heard of this modesty thing you speak of, i’m sure i’ve heard mention of it some time

I’m glad I’m not the only one. …lol

Well, as we know, propriety is not everyone’s cup of tea. Be glad, little booby, to hear it first time. It’s never to late …
*lol*

NotJustWhistlinDIXIE wrote:

Zirbel wrote:

NotJustWhistlinDIXIE wrote:

BuckingFastard (J.N) wrote:

NotJustWhistlinDIXIE wrote:

Zirbel wrote:

NotJustWhistlinDIXIE wrote:
Of course I’m right, Z. …Aren’t I always? :-)

Modesty forbids to say … *lol*

Modesty? What’s that? …lol

I’ve heard of this modesty thing you speak of, i’m sure i’ve heard mention of it some time

I’m glad I’m not the only one. …lol

Well, as we know, propriety is not everyone’s cup of tea. Be glad, little booby, to hear it first time. It’s never to late …
*lol*

Propriety, modesty? Why do you keep dropping all these big foreign words on me today? I don’t know nuttin’ ’bout those things. I just call ‘em like I sees ‘em. …lol

JN? What about you, girl? Help me out here. :o)

I do believe modesty is where truly excellent, amazing, fantastic people pretend that they aren’t quite so great to make the lesser people feel better, so i’ve heard

FreeSouLed wrote:

bthca wrote:
regardless this poster doesnt seem to actually want help, she just wants attention.

I agree.

Of course she doesn’t just want attention. She does want help. She’s just not necessarily at a point where she can hear everything people are saying. Something like this has to sink in overtime. When you’re in a relationship like this you can’t just see it from an outside perspective, it takes time to be able to. Just because the poster didn’t immediately take your advice doesn’t mean it didn’t help. Hearing this kind of stuff helps to break people out of denial about the situation, but it doesn’t do it immediatley, it sinks in. Then eventually everything clicks.

Wisdom is part of gathering experience over years…. some think they have it already! Seems to me, this person is overstating the situation, if there was a situation.

giggles_loves_you_19 wrote:
how did he almost rape you? it’s good if your own husband wants you.. why don’t you want him and why did you marry him?

WTF?!!