Complex and compounded,
I’m in a tough position and am trying hard to get out of it, and becoming almost desperate for a way for this all to change (hence why I’m posting it on here). This is a gorean knot that I have to unravel, and unlike the legend, I don’t have a sword to just cut the **** thing.
Where to start, I guess first a brief rundown of who I am. I am an abuse survivor, physical, mental, and sexual. Additionally, I am a foster kid and the aboptive son of divorced parents, and just because that all wasn’t enough, I was also raped at 19 when I was in the army, and I’m male (yeah, shouldn’t make a difference, but there’s some serious shame that I allowed myself to be in that situation and I’m extremely reluctant to talk about it to people because of my gender. I can here because my real name isn’t Garou, heh).
Growing up, I was the outsider, very, very few friends, hell I can only think of 3 that I would call childhood friends. In the army, still the outsider, always have been the outsider and that loner, but not because I wanted to be. I worked hard to try to change that, to turn my life around into something filled with joy and happiness. God, I have tried (and am still trying).
About 6 years ago, I had a major set back in that work. I lost my family (my then fiance came home one day and said that she didn’t love me and kept my son) due to being severly depressed because I wasn’t making enough to support my family. Shortly after that, I lost my job too. Yes, I attempted suicide during this time. I completely fell apart. I was diagnosed as being clinically depressed (duh) and then later bipolar. Add to this that I have a type of arthritis called ankylosing spondylitis, just because life thought it was funny. So, I qualified for disability, which I think was the worst thing that could happen to me, honestly.
I am frustrated beyond words, and so freaking alone that I literally sit here and weep. I can’t afford a car, so I’ve never learned to drive. I can’t afford to go out and socialize, hell buying a burger at McDonalds is a major investment and I have to decide what I can go without for the month if I want one. Seriously, I live on less than 11k a year at 38 years old, I can’t even afford my own dam place (misspell deliberate).
So now, the state that handles my child support has changed the rules and the dependant disability payments that my son gets doesn’t count towards the child support anymore (at least not until it goes through the court) and so now, lucky me, I get to try to make it on less than $600 a month. *sighs* I’ll do it, I both know I can and have no choice, but my frustration, anger, and loneliness is reaching all time highs. The chronic lonelinss I have felt is evolving into an anger at the fact that I’m trapped in this damm situation. I want the hell out of it now.
I know what I need to do, I need to find a place to live of my own, put out roots, get my lisence and a vehicle, get a job again, and chase a couple of dreams, I’m willing and want to do it. I have, in the past, been reluctant to ask for help, still am, feeling I should be able to do this on my own. But, I have sat and thought (all I really have to do) and realized that the real reason I’m in this situation, why I’ve struggled all my life, trying to prove to the world that I can accomplish and make something of myself is that I’ve always tried to go it alone and become good enough to be worth friendships.
Loneliness has been my greatest enemy, it’s created the misdiagnosis or bipolar. It’s left me with a sense of inadequacy and undesirability. And, because of being twisted as a kid, I actually felt I wasn’t worth the friendships that were being offered so I’d let them fade away. Never quite feeling up to par, successful enough, whatever. So, I’m trying to find ways to combat it and find a way to get the job, vehicle and living situation resolved.
I’m not here asking for money (won’t give you any information to send me some). I’m here to try to get practicle advice as to where to start and what to do. And please, none of the “believe in yourself” stuff. While I appreciate the sentiment, it doesn’t help. I don’t need motivation to do it or encouragement, per se (at least not right now), I need tangible resources that I can turn to to get help and get things finally turned around for myself.
What do I want/need:
Friends and a social network
A place to live of my own
And the freedom to chase a couple dream careers
Because my financial situation is what is, going out somewhere isn’t an option, I literally can’t afford to do it. The internet sometimes helps, other times it makes me feel even more isolated. The people I live with have only made me feel worse because my loneliness (and quitting smoking) caused some severe anxiety troubles when I first moved in and destroyed our ability to communicate. I literally spend all day locked in my room so as not to stress them out with something they can no longer help me with (I can’t really talk with one of them because we just upset each other).
I am locked in a hopeless state and have honestly contemplated becoming homeless so that I could tap into some of the assistance that’s available to the homeless. The fact that I’m considering that should indicate the lengths I’m willing to go to to finally change my life. I’m debating whether or not to take the last step on my decline into destitution so I can have a true, fresh start.
I have spent the last couple of months pouring over the internet trying to find a resource group that I can talk to about strategies and actual, practical, steps to change things around. Honestly, and this was one of the things I came to realize this last year, I can’t do it on my own anymore. I have come to understand the meaning of the phrase, “No man is an island”. I tried, I tried to do it on my own. I tried to overcome and stand strong against the onslaught of bad fortunes. I tried to be that strong man standing stoicly and not just enduring it all, but overcoming it. I came to realize that I just can’t go it alone anymore.
I want to explain why I said not to post “Believe in yourself” or “Hang in there, it’ll get better.” The reason is that those things don’t change the situation I’m in. Believing in yourself and hanging in there is great, hell, it’s all I got, but it doesn’t change the fact that I need to get to places to build a social network. Doesn’t change the fact that I need to figure out how to live on less than $600 a month for awhile, and it sure as heck doesn’t change the fact I need a damm job and get the hell off of disability so I can take charge of my life once more!
Ok, I think I’m just going to start talking in circles. There’s more to this, I wish I had the space to write it all out. The stuff I’ve overcome and some of the miracles I’ve found along the way. I hate posting stuff that sounds like I’m belly aching about my life. Honestly, I’ve seen some of the most profound examples of human compassion, love and understanding and I count myself fortunate for that. I want to get into a position so that I can give that gift to others around me. I’m grateful, but tired of needing it all the time and now I want to pass it on. To do that, I need to reforge my life and wrench it around into a completely new direction, and to do that, I need just a little more help in this area. So, any thoughts, ideas, especially contacts that I can get in touch via the internet, would be greatly appreciated.
Anyway, thanks for reading. On the upside, the frustration I felt when I started this post has somewhat subsided for now. :)
Since writing this post Garou may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. Garou is a verified member, has been around for 2 years, 3 months and has 1 posts and 15 replies to their name.
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