Here’s the situation- last year, I was in an accident and sustained a really, really awful concussion. I was in pain everyday with random spikes that made it so that I couldn’t get out of bed. Concussions frequently lead to depression, and a combination of the injury plus a bad reaction to headache medication (for some reason they gave me small doses of antidepressants for the headache- idiots) I was diagnosed with depression. The day I was diagnosed my doctor actually, without a trace of sarcasm, told me that she was surprised I wasn’t already suicidal at that point. Not meaning to raise myself up, but I was always a strong, happy person- with depression I wanted to sleep all day, didn’t want to see friends, and could barely feel anything.
So I took up cutting. Now, please hear me through, for I’m embarassed to be admitting this in the first place. I never believed in depression- such a bitchy thing to say, I know, but I never understood the crippling scope of it until I actually had it. Cutters (at least, in my case) don’t cut because we like the scars, or we want to do harm to ourselves. I did it because it took a lottt of concentration, so much so that I couldn’t focus on anything else. It was absorbing; plus, the medication made it hard for me to feel anything. I felt numb, literally, to the world, as if I was drifting through a fog (sort of like when you’re overtired, and you feel distant? that was 24-7). Cutting, I’m humiliated to admit, helped me feel something.
I’m fine now. I’m back to my happy self and, for the most part, I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life. I’m very laid back, and it takes a lot to upset me. But something stayed with me, and this is what I need advice on; I crave pain. Not like stomach aches or broken bones. But subconsciously, I remember how awesome it felt when I cut with depression (it was a momentary high) or how I felt when I got ear piercings with depression. I constantly crave that feeling of getting something pierced, or long to cut again.
I sound crazy, but please know I’m not suicidal. I’m not even unhappy; polar opposite. But try to understand, how my mind is clinging to something that felt awesome before and wants to feel that now. Can this be considered an addiction?
What do y’all suggest? And sorry for the bitc.hing. :]
Since writing this post trustyourheart_arro may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. trustyourheart_arro is a verified member, has been around for 2 years, 3 months and has 4 posts and 84 replies to their name.
Invite Others to Help
A logged in and verified Help.com member has the ability to setup a Friends List and invite others to help with posts.