This post left anonymously
Warning: Long-winded and existential rant, in a nonsensical sequence, possibly inconsolable author.
If you don’t want to spend the next age reading a post that will probably turn out to be quite boring and have no real conclusion then turn back now.
I’m naturally a whiny person, when it comes to those things that I think are petty and insignificant. I need a cigarette. I hate my job. I really want to go out and get trashed.
But when it comes to the things in my life that actually matter, to me anyway, I don’t say a word, not even to the…like all of about 3 people I consider my truest and closest friends – against all logic it seems. Well, there have been times when I’ve tried but they were all either a long time ago, I was drunk and thus made little to no sense, OR I failed to get down to the real point because I was struggling to formulate what was going on in my head into a conclusive explanation and gave up eventually.
Should these people not be the very ones that I’m most likely to confide these feelings of emptiness? Aren’t they the ones most likely to be able to show me that I’m not completely worthless?
Well, I know I’m not completely worthless. I’m generally a good listener and fairly adept at, at least analysing, possibly simplifying, if not solving other peoples problems. I think I’m quite fun to hang out with on a good day (there are other things but I’m trying not to get too far into the titchy bits like ‘I have good teeth’ and ‘I can draw, a bit’)
Problem solving. My own? LOL.
Not so good at that. In the face of adversity:
Mild to middling – Panic, try to see what can be done, fail, procrastinate, ignore.
Anything beyond middling – Collapse inwardly, blank out, remember, break down in to a mess of emotions, push forever down in to the depths of pretending not to care.
ANYWAY, my point is…
My point is.
My point is wavering, I know I have one…
I’ll start with my problems (beyond needing a cigarette and now craving cheese). I’ll do this in as simple a way as possible. Bring on the bullet points, in no particular order.
1. I have failed so far in almost everything I wanted to do with my life. The worst part is: I didn’t even try. Well done me.
2. I have this unshakeable feeling of lethargy mixed with anxiety. In other words I’M LAZY but also I feel like that if I do try at anything that really means something I will ultimately FAIL and sink further in to my rut of nihilistic depression.
3. I also think that because I’m so self-assured that I will never succeed in anything of worth that my life has no meaning and nothing that I ever have done, am doing or will do had/has any worth to anybody at all, ever - including myself. (Yes I know my MUM probably thinks a bit more of me than this, and so do maybe some other people but I’m trying to put my deepest feelings down here while keeping it as simple as possible)
4. I dislike it when people are overly vocal about their life problems when they could probably be doing something about it if they had the drive/confidence/means etc.. This probably sounds REALLY bad. However, I think it’s some sort of transference of my belief that no-one wants to listen to my problems, because I am insignificant so by extension they are also (my problems not the potential listeners). It’s no entirely hypocritical either, seeing as I’m not really vocal about my real problems. Apart from right now. Just bare with me. My point is, I don’t talk about my problems, even with the people that matter, because I don’t want to come of as someone who is over emotional or annoying in their whininess. Also, my problems are not unique or original and there fore I should quit being a little ***** about them (even when I’m not…being a little ***** that is.)
5. I am SO easily distracted it is UNBELIEVABLE. Sometimes I don’t even realise I’ve BEEN distracted from something for DAYS. I’m seriously starting to think that there is something wrong with me. TOTALLY away with the faeries. But, like, boring faeries. I can’t even really start to explain just how crap it is. I’m already bad at getting stuff done by sheer sloth alone, but with this total lack of concentration thrown in… Oh, yeah, and my memory is really poor too, like scary bad, long term and short term.
6. I think that everyone one I meet assumes that I’m stupid, dull or annoying. I know I’m not really any of these things…don’t ask, I don’t know.
7. I’ve come to realise that although I’m capable of having fun without drinking it’s pretty much the only thing I do socially ever. Before you label me as some sort of pseudo-alcoholic, I don’t drink every day, hell, I don’t even drink every WEEK. I think I’ve just forgotten how to really wind-down with out there being alcohol involved in some way. I find this extremely sad and I hate it but can’t seem to find the mindset to change it.
8. The worst part of all this (and you’re probably going to hate me for this, purely cause it proves that I can use my head but I’m just deigning not too – I don’t even really know why) I already know how to solve almost all of my problems, I just can’t bring myself to do it.
Sorry, that wasn’t as simple as I’d envisioned. I know my first step to salvation (I use this term in a totally non-religious way, just in case you were wondering), is to trust my friends and just TALK to them about things. But I decided that if I talked to a bunch of strangers first then that would be…easier. Especially since it’s all anonymous and what not.
I apologise profusely to anyone that read all the way through this and found it in anyway dissatisfactory.
Oh, and by the way, there is like totally more stuff that I could have said…LOTS of it, mostly extensions and branches and tangents of what’s already here, so I’ll spare you.
Since writing this post Anonymous may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days.
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