Situation help: Fixation - Help.com

Whoa, people actually celebrate their daughters first period??! I’ve NEVER heard of such a thing in my life, and I’ve been quite open about mine in the past.

Maybe the fact that I didn’t know that it was supposed to be celebrated made me appathetic to it?

Honestly? If you have a daughter now or in the future. . .I would think that maybe it would be of the most help to you to celebrate hers the way you would have wanted yours to be bonded with you? If not for now, I’m not so sure that there is something you can do it repair that “missed out” feeling. I think it’s just one of those things that you just have to accept you never got to experience.

Kind of like how I never go to experience the feeling of a father/daughter relationship. I’ll constantly be pyschologically searching for it, but in reality it just can’t happen.

I’m probably not the best person to be giving advice for this because I can’t relate exactly. but I gave you my perspective. Hope it works out for you.

My mother wasn’t very good at the mother/daughter female bonding ritual(s), either.

Some of the best - and often most important - female bonding I received came from friends - perhaps that’s why during my “formative” years, some of my best friends were a little older than me - they kind of took the place of the older sister I never had.

Looking back, I can now see that I kept that “older” friend pattern through most of my twenties - it wasn’t until I was in my thirties that I started having close friendships with women my age and even a little younger.

Yet to this day, I value all of my female friends very much and have beautiful bonds with them - again, I think this is because - like you - I didn’t have that with my mom.

So here’s my question for you: Do you have any female friends who you feel close with and whom you could bond with?

thanks for your response. If I do get a daughter I will definetly (spelling) celebrate :) but that’s probably not gonna happen for the next 10 years or so :/

I have a few friends, but no one I can feel that connection with. In the past there were teachers and the like that I really wanted to bond with, but I had no idea how to go about it. Now it feels like it’s such alot to ask from someone. I don’t know how to go about it, even if I could find someone I feel a connection with :S

You said your shrink isn’t the right person - and I can understand that … but have you brought this topic up with your shrink?

yes, a couple of times. but she has no idea on how to “fix” it…

Most of my long-term female friends - those whom I feel very close to and have a deep bond with - I met through work. Others I met through social activities. One of them I met in here.

Where have you met your current friends? Do you do any socializing?

I don’t socialize now. It’s complicated… If I met someone I wouldn’t know how to deal with it tbh. You can’t really go “Hi, I need a substitute mother, how ’bout it?” lol

Anonymous wrote:
I don’t socialize now. It’s complicated… If I met someone I wouldn’t know how to deal with it tbh. You can’t really go “Hi, I need a substitute mother, how ’bout it?” lol

LOL. I like your sense of humor. :)

I’d love to get some more advice, but I have to go to bed now. Would really be helpful to continue this :)

I’ll pop in again tomorrow. I’ll also invite some of my friends from in here … perhaps they could provide some different insights / ideas. Sleep well!

ahhh ya probably every little thing sets me off sometimes i will remember something small and it will bug me and i end up crying and feeling alone and sad…it’s hard to lose someone..but slowly you start to think sad and more about the silly happy things..and u still may cry but it’s part of being human….caring for someone for so long…i don’t think the pain of love goes even if the person has gone.

Anonymous wrote:
thanks for your response. If I do get a daughter I will definetly (spelling) celebrate :) but that’s probably not gonna happen for the next 10 years or so :/

Mothers are individuals and so are daughters. You might find that your own daughter doesn’t share your desire to celebrate the onset of menstruation. When my daughter reached that stage, I thought it might be a bonding time. It definitely wasn’t. She was quite matter-of-fact about it all and didn’t want to be treated like she had achieved a goal or something. I’m not sure what there is to celebrate. Menstruation doesn’t even guarantee fertility and the ability to bear children. If it did, would we want our 11 or 12 year old to start reproducing? I don’t think so.

When I started mine, my mother said ‘Congratulations. You can expect this to happen once a month for the next 30 years or so. Oh, joy!’

I can understand that you miss your mother and how sad it is that you no longer have the opportunity to bond or communicate with her. You can start a group through meetup.com if there aren’t any social groups available in your area. Choose a hobby or interest and take it from there. Volunteering at retirement homes, nursing homes, church centers and charitable organizations will put you in touch with some great female role models.

Meanwhile, concentrate on the good memories that you have. Have positive thoughts of her. Whatever she did that made her special to you is worth remembering. If some things didn’t happen as you would have liked, life is like that sometimes for everyone. She probably didn’t know that you wanted more. If she had known, she probably would have obliged. Mothers are like that. :)

Shout me anytime. I always have enough hugs to go around.

@ Aries: Thanks for the invite, my friend. :)

I had a mother who didn’t really mother me either, or in the way that I would have liked. I have had a few friends that have filled that gap somewhat just as Aries has said. The most helpful advice I have received on this topic is from my former therapist. She said that we can mother our inner children as we get older by acknowledging their existence, consoling their tears and fears and hugging them. It may sound silly but she also suggested I tell myself often in the mirror, right into my eyes “I love you!”. Although nothing can quite ever take away the pain of not feeling loved per se by your mother, these things do help fill the void and heal the wounds somewhat. Hope that helps! :)