This post left anonymously
Super rant to avoid doing more negative behavior + asking for sympathy and suggestions?
UGHH!H!!!!!!!!!!! UGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have having to be responsible ALL THE TIME. ITS SO HARD. It’s painful. God AND NO ONE ******* HELPS ME.Because I barely have anyone close to me anymore. And I feel like I overburden the people that are close to me. My boyfriend and I just had a fight about something that we didnt even need to freak out about and I HATE THAT WE ALWAYS END UP TRIGGERING EACH OTHER. I HATE IT SOOOOOO BAD. My boyfriend has POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER AND BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER AND OTHER THINGS GOD… And I have OCD or OBBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE PERSONALITY DISODER, and I JUST CANT HANDLE ALL THE TRIGGERS. I’m so sorry we always trigger each other. Some of his worst insecurities, I have the flip side of. Like, if hes worried/insecure that I’m gonna do _____, then I end up having a insecurity/worry that I am going to do the same thing. Which means when we need reassurance we cant reassure each other. I’m so tired of trying to do things the way I’m supposed to to avoid all these bad things/escalation, because its hard and its the opposite of what my emotions want me to do. Like, we had a small fight. The thing I want after a fight is either I’m angry and want to attack him (wrong but hard not to do) or eventually to move on and be okay and at peace with each other. BUT THEN, HE GOES TO BED! WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING! And God I know why he does it- its because I always end up trying to stop him from going to bed EVEN WHEN WERE NOT JUST GETTING OVER A FIGHT. Oh god………………………. and it just makes me want to go in there and make a fit about it ;____; WHY DOES HE GO TO BED NOW????!!!??! NOWWWW??? And I know why: because thats his way of getting away from the pain/problems (or something like that - its something he want to do that in some way makes him feel better) but I just have such a hard time accepting that peacefully because all I can think about is: “REALLY? WHAT ABOUT ME!? WHAT ABOUT ME? YOU KNOW I HATE THAT. WHAT ABOUT OUR PLANS? WE WERE GONNA DO SOEMTHING FUN. WHAT ABOUT ME???? WHAT ABOUT ME STAYING UP AND DOING MY HOMEWORK? I HATE STAYING UP DOING MY HOMEWORK ALONE ANYTIME. AND I’M MORE GODDAMN SLEEP DEPRIVED THAN YOU. God.. why cant we just be in balance? why can’t we just be in balance? Were so out of balance, all I want is that nice, beautiful, supportive, loving, helpful, harmonious balance. One of my friends has this beautiful relationship were theyre so in balance with each other.. always there to support each other, always know what to say,etc. But we seem to often say the wrong thing. Were both trying so hard just to make it through.. something. that maybe weboth feel like we dont have enough energy to spare to put aside our own feelings and help each other… it’s so hard when you’re emotional. We’re both really good people, into psychology, self-improvement, etc, but weve just gotten into these habits that just tear us apart. Its so *******..
DISCLAIMER: PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME “maybe you guys should break up” — THATS THE LAST THING I NEED TO HEAR RIGHT NOW. THAT WOULD TRIGGER ME.
I just want some sympathy, understanding, and maybe some suggestions on how to better deal with an emotional situation where the two people could easily trigger each other. How can I find a balance? Do I have to sacrifice my own comfort to try to be supportive to him and make things right? Because right now I feel like it’s both of us suffering. How do I do the right thing? What is the right thing? MAINLY: Is there a way that I can do the helpful, supportive loving thing for him and not feel like I’m giving myself nothing? I feel like, as much as I dont want it to be so, that maybe that’s the only way I can do the right thing, because giving myself what I want is usually letting myself do things that end up escalating the situation (ie, confronting him about something while I’m still pretty angry, or spouting negative thoughts/feeling which would end up making him spiral worse)
Writing here was my alternative to going into the bedroom and probably starting an angry conversation that could cause us both to spiral into a destructive spiral of self, situation, etc hatred. So.. YAAAY! I did something right and helpful in a sense! (it just sucks that I’m still stuck up here alone with him having gone to bed like that. It bothers me.. But I guess.. you know what? That was his choice. No matter what I could have done, whether it was write this letter here or go in there and talk to him about it, neither one would have gotten him to stay up later with me. So I couldnt have gotten what I wanted anyway, and between the options… this was certainly the better choice. Because even though somewhere in my mind my emotions want me to think that I would feel better going in there and starting something about it, really it would have actually started a worse spiral that I would just hate a regret, and feel really bad for causing him to go into that mindset. So I’m glad I didn’t! It’s better for me and it’s better for him!! :) My reaction was good then, in that sense. I chose a helpful option.. I’m so glad. -is trying to praise myself for it to reinforce the action- lol
Since writing this post Anonymous may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days.
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