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I don’t have a job.
I honestly haven’t had one in nearly a year an a half. Its not that I’m lazy, or at least I don’t think I am. Its in part the area. I don’t have a license to drive and I live in a very rural area. The town specifically has a population of less that 500. There are only 4 business in walking distance. A Mom and Pops store, a garage, an art gallery and a surf shop, though I think that one closed recently. None of them have the capability of even hiring an employee.
I have tried looking for jobs in the surrounding cities, the nearest of which is about 60 miles away. But most available positions up there require some type of degree. The ones that I have applied for in the past year have never gotten back to me. I have done grounds keeping in the past, for the elderly. But I had 2 clients in 8 months. And that was when I had a full set of tools, which I had to get rid of when I lost my residence. People around here just don’t have the money to hire a grounds keeper, or just prefer doing it themselves.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I have been living with a friend and his family leeching off of them while I try to sort my life out. They don’t mind putting me up, indeed it seems like just the opposite. But it… I have always been very self reliant and having anybody take care of me, I can’t stand the thought of.
I have a few health problems, nothing preventing me from working, but they are getting progressively worse, and I don’t have the financial fluidity to address them. Though one of them will prevent me from working too much with the public. The problem is that if I cant get them addressed, they could eventually lead to very bad things.
I want to work. I need to work. I am tired of wasting myself. Wasting my life. But it just seems that I’m un-hirable. I understand why, I’ve only had 2 jobs that weren’t “under-the-table”, and one of them I was fired from. .. I’m borderline homeless.
I do have a prospect… if it can indeed be called that. Pretty much it sums up as writing online. But best case scenario is that I work for 22hrs a day 7days a week to make the equivalent of min-wage.
I just… I have been so depressed. I think about offing myself often, and hate myself for being so weak as to even consider that an option. I have been thinking about crime. But… by nature I’m a pacifist. And you know…its wrong and illegal. But I am running out of options.
I can gather up some things and hit the road. Try to get up to a decent city and live on the streets until…I get dead or lucky. But homelessness is terrifying. Maybe I’m just a coward, but from what I have been reading there has been a spike in violent crime against the homeless in the past few years. And getting out of the state of homelessness is very difficult if not impossible.
I have just become so bitter. So angry, in part because of my current situation and past problems. I’m just so depressed. I never saw myself here. I wanted college. I wanted to be writer, or physicist. I wanted a wife, and a daughter. And to be a father. And to have a future. I wanted to retire with my wrinkly beautiful happily ever after. And open up a bakery/coffee shop/bookstore. And when I died I wanted to be remembered. As a good man, as someone that did something good for the world.
But… I need a job. I would give the devil my immortal soul. I would take the place of Prometheus, I would take a life….and I hate how desperate I am.
Please…I need help. I need advice… what are my options. Is it just these? Homelessness or keep living life…a worthless wretch? Is crime an option? And just keep applying for jobs and pray? I…I just don’t want ot live like this anymore.
Since writing this post Anonymous may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days.
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