Ok, Since as long as I remember I couldn’t find anything I was interested in.
I can play the guitar but I have no urge to go any further with it. I love music but sometimes even the most beautiful lyrics sound trite or stupid to me and I can’t overcome it. I was in love with a girl in high school, or at least I thought I was. She payed no attention to me because I could never talk to her. I was always afraid that I might sound stupid to her so I just kept my mouth shut. She was however kind of cruel to me. She actually went to prom with me after I asked her if she would and she said “I guess”. She ignored my presence the entire time and I forced myself to dance which was something I had never done and was afraid to do. Towards the end of high school another girl took an interest to me. I however at the time did not like her in the same way. I guess I sort of doubted her intentions because she was sort of “experienced”-for lack of a better word- with alot of other guys and had been since middle school. Then we had senior week… which is a week when all of the graduating seniors go to the beach and basically all they do is get wasted and have premiscuous sex. I however did neither of these things. I’m not a drinker or a party-er at all…. anyway… during one of the last nights I was there(I left early after three days) I was forced to share a bed with the afore mentioned girl(the one who had experience) and my friend who is a boy because we had no where else to sleep. I could not sleep because I was too busy thinking. And then there was what I took as a romantic or desperate gesture by the girl. I was only half covered by the blanket and she…. thinking I was asleep…. slowly brought the blanket up over my shoulders. All of the thoughts and things she had told me about how she had called me so many times and came to see me at work that I thought were forward before, now struck me as amazing. After a while we started seeing each other more often and eventually kissed at my house. By this time I was in love with her. She however was still seeing her ex boyfriend and requested that we not have a serious relationship, instead we would just go on dates. She could have fun with other guys while I wait on her. I hated this but couldn’t tell her. I eventually did however and we broke up. Then I cried all night and realized that I loved her too much to not see her and kiss her and hold her hand. So I told her to forget what I had said and we got back together…… for a day. She then broke up with me because what I had said made her feel bad when she was with other guys. I still love her and she will be going to college soon. Not far away but away enough for me not to talk to her for like 4 years. I am very depressed most of the time. Not just about the previous, but about how I can’t seem to find a girl that loves me, or how I have nothing to do in my spare time, or how all of my interests eventually fade away. In truth I am a gigantic mess, is there anyone out there who can help, or even anyone who read this entire thing?
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