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Something doesn’t add up with your post but I can’t put my finger on it.
———–
You don’t need other people to live a normal life. You don’t need an awesome career to live a normal life. You’re living for you and not for anybody else.
Focus on stuff that makes you feel good and roll with that. Get therapy for homicidal thoughts, which are just caused by anger towards other people for… not showing you the attention you think you deserve. Also get medicated for them suicidal thoughts.
One of the problems with that whole suicide thing you need to solve is that it’s like a black hole, it sucks you in and keeps you from getting out and seeing anything beyond that bad place. You need to get out of it, and that’s why all of them therapisis are geting paid their wages.

Thanks for the reply.
At first I thought I would be fine without anyone else. Those first few years. But for me at least, living a life of solitude is obviously making it worse and worse, and the suicidal thoughts started when I realized that. Career? Never said that I needed one - I’m a musician :p (jokes)

I have tried numerous forms of therapy and medication. Therapists are so predictable in what they have to say, it really makes me rather angry. I see how it works for other people, but not for me. Medication semi-helps for a short while, and then leaves me feeling crazier than before.

You’re right about that black hole. That’s why I’m here.

Sorry my post “didn’t add up” - I really hoped that it would, being as long as it was :( If you have any issues with any specific thing that I said, please let me know. I realize that my situation - at least what originally triggered it - may seem odd.

You don’t have to live in solitude, and at the same time you don’t have to have people. Go to a bar and talk to strangers, you can talk to random people on the street, you can use online group voice chats to talk to people on the net. You get to talk to people/do something with people and at the same time you’re free to decide whet you want to do with that contactg. Nobody ever said that you owe something to people who you made social contact with.
When you go for therapy you must want to get better, when you do NOT want to get better and are doing therey for just be able to say without lying “I did therapy and it didn’t work” then sure, it won’t work. Therapy is not a doc healing you, it’s you healing yourself with the doctors help.

.Eli. wrote:
When you go for therapy you must want to get better, when you do NOT want to get better and are doing therey for just be able to say without lying “I did therapy and it didn’t work” then sure, it won’t work. Therapy is not a doc healing you, it’s you healing yourself with the doctors help.

I think there are two paths for you from here. One, one that you’ve noticed, is suicide.

“I know this post seems to be pointless, and maybe it is, but I’ll just admit it: this is too much. I need help. I am too much of a ******* worthless coward to even successfully take my own life.”

You are not a worthless coward.

“When the people are gone, I am actually very proud of my physical and mental capabilities. I consider myself a good guitarist/musician/artist in general, I am rather athletic for a non-athlete (lol?) and would like to think that I have a rather high level of intelligence. Please do not take this as bragging - it is actually the one thing that keeps me ~1% interested in possibly staying. The knowledge that I am not as worthless as I seem. But now, it seems that it is all worthless if I can’t even be around people.”

You know you have worth.

“By the way, I’m psychotic. I explicitly fantasize about killing people. Especially those who bullied me in school. And ignorant people. Sometimes I want to take them out before I go, just so I can know I did SOMETHING with my life. I’ve talked to plenty of shrinks, doctors, counselors, friends, etc. All medications seem to make me crazier. And I would rather die a million times than go to a mental institute.”

This isn’t what is stopping you from doing anything at all.

“I have always felt alienated. Whenever I am around people, I feel extremely nervous and awkward. I can’t think around people, I actually lose control of my (otherwise good) coordination, and sometimes even get the shakes.”

This is.

You find it impossible to connect with people because when you are around them, you shut down. That’s throughly understandable. That’s your problem - you want to be validated as an individual of worth. That’s why you find this:

“Due to the way I act around people, they often think that I am either retarded or some sort of hard drug addict. When the people are gone, I am actually very proud of my physical and mental capabilities.”

so insulting. It tears you down that you are incapable of being yourself around others in a “normal” social situation.

But you know what? You’ve tried hard, but I don’t think you’ve tried everything. You’re ******* 19. Give yourself some more time. You’re a smart kid (young adult, sorry), a really **** smart and rational one for being able to write a tell all like this while feeling hopeless and wanting to die. Maybe a different kind of therapy is in order for you - or maybe there needs to be something else done to help you overcome the severe and crippling social anxiety.

Look, this is just some post on the internet from some guy you don’t even know. But I can tell you something. I know where you are right now, though second hand. My girlfriend of six years has social anxiety like you do. Bad as hell. She’s mute around most people and it’s heartbreaking. But things are getting better. She’s found an online community that she feels she belongs to. Hell, it’s online, but it’s a start. Slowly we’re socializing with some of my friends. I realize that she’s got me, and you don’t have anyone and are hopelessly unhappy because of it (I don’t just mean romantically, I mean the loneliness is crushing you and you’re running out of options) but /there are ways/. I’ve been working with her for years to find ways, and we are finding them.

Please, I hope that if nothing else, this at least inspires some curiosity. I know you don’t want pity, and I understand that. But I’m worried about you, because you sound smart and sad and I hate that someone like you has to go through something that’s just so out of the realm of normal control.

Been in a similar place; feeling similar actually. So it’s kind of comedy that I’m going to try and help yours…

Things I’ve tried that have helped.
1. A mood chart. I put up 2 bits of masking tape around my whole room, and divided it into days (width of a ruler) and plotted my mood. The middle of the two bits of tape was ‘ok’, bottom tape miserable, with suicidal at the bottom, top tape happy. It was interesting to have on view the range of moods I had; and that even though I plummetted into the depths of despair, and even stayed there a few days, I did come back up again. It helped me see that when in the pit and thinking ‘it’s always like this it’s ALWAYS awful’ that actually, at times it wasn’t.

I too have played the medication game, and they have messed me up. But recently (in another it couldn’t get any worse pit) given them another go, and got one off use beta blockers (against adrenaline and panic attacks for me) and they have been helpful without messing with my head. It you are THAT bad that it can’t get any worse, there can be no harm in trying different medication. If you are not that bad, then that is good. Hold onto that.

When you have good days see if you can tackle a small bit of getting your home sorted out. Ringing up to get someone to fix the ceiling. Getting some filler for the walls, or simply tidying up and washing stuff. Getting your home into a better state can help you feel better. I tend to need the impetus of guests coming round to manage this. Ultimately it doesn’t matter; so don’t beat yourself up if you don’t manage; but if you do feel up to it ever do, as having a pleasant living environment can make a difference.

I agree with the poster above about human interaction; talking to random people in bars is a good low effort, low expectation, way of getting some human interaction, and it can be fun/uplifting. Or rubbish, but strangers don’t matter, so that’s ok too.

Keep on with the music and the things you are proud of yourself for. Write them down and look at the sheet when you feel crap. Even if you are not the best be proud of what you Are.

Re psychosis; have medical professionals told you you are pscyhotic? I’ve studied a bit of psychology, and one of the memorable lessons was ‘everyone has ‘bad thoughts’, like pushing someone in front of a train, or smashing their baby’s head against the wall, but some people dwell on these thoughts instead of instantly discarding them, and thus intensify them’. Ok I misremember the exact phrasing; but just because you have bad thoughts doesn’t make you bad. If you act on them, then yes, that’s really bad, but if you realise that other people let these sort of thoughts flit in and out of their heads and move on instantly to ‘what’s for tea’ without going ‘OMG I had this terrible thought I’m so evil *thinks thought over and over*’ etc… So try accepting the fact yes some people are twits, yes you hate some people, yes you fantasise about doing bad things, but that’s ok, and move on. I’m trying to say ‘don’t dwell on it’ but sometimes the best way of doing that is by allowing the thought, not forbidding it, allowing yourself to look at it, and then move on. It’s like ‘don’t think of a black cat’ or ‘don’t think of a flying pig with a green necklace’; if you actively try NOT to think of something, you think of it even harder, whereas if you try to focus on a thing you’ll find your mind drifting off it elsewhere.

If you actually think you’re going to commit an atrocity then get to a doctor etc and tell them and get yourself locked up till you’re over it; but I don’t get the impression that that’s the case. But do make sure you don’t have access to any weapons that you could do serious harm to others with. If you make sure you are not capable of doing any of these things you fantasize about then you can safely remind yourself that they are just fantasy, not real, and won’t be real, and that’s ok.

…
On the topic of attention - not thinking of flying pigs etc. Consider meditation.
Try it if you haven’t. It takes discipline but can really help. I think this is a good one to start with (there are others on the website).
http://www.jackkornfield.com/2011/02/…
Do try it.

Talking of which; I should go take some of my own advice today!
*sigh*

I hope you find the help you need. xx

Oh more things;

Proven to be helpful:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitiv…
if you can get this sort of help Do.

Eli: I wish I could do that. I think I might see where my post didn’t quite add up. I may see if I can edit it to be more clear, on topic and to-the-point.
The whole reason I’ve been living in solitude is that I CAN’T be around people without feeling extremely weird and awkward. It’s a feeling that is hard to describe, but is what is holding me entire life back, to the point of not being (bearably) livable.

Stephen: Thank you so much, you completely nailed my situation in a way that I didn’t think possible. I don’t think I have ever heard anything as kind and understanding as what you just said. Since you have second hand experience, do you happen to know any resources I could go to for a start? Seriously I had just about abandoned all hope and your reply, especially about your girlfriend, made me see it in a slightly different light. I am still unsure about the future. Maybe I’m just a little optimistic because I just took what was probably a 5x overdose of herbal antidepressants (which is why I even got around to pushing myself to post the original post in the first place), but you really gave me a new sense of hope.

[Anonymous]: Great thanks to you as well. Good to see yet another who understands. I haven’t tried the chart, but I acknowledge that I have good and bad times. I have sort of conditioned myself to perceive the good times as “a temporary high in an infinite low”, or something to that effect. Those beta blockers sound rather intriguing. What you said regarding psychotic thoughts made me smile :) And no, I have not acted on them, at least not onto other people. Now, my house, on the other hand… ehh :\ at least it keeps me occupied in hope improvement projects. And I used to be a regular practitioner of Transcendental Meditation, until my ADHD got to a point of overpowering my ability to sit still that long, and my mind that focused. Although lately I have been getting hints to start again. And I will look into CBT, thanks.

As for talking to people in bars… well, sadly, I can’t do that :( (Never mind the fact that I’m not 21 yet - I wouldn’t be able to get myself to talk to anyone there even if I could get in).

Anonymous wrote:
Eli: I wish I could do that. I think I might see where my post didn’t quite add up. I may see if I can edit it to be more clear, on topic and to-the-point.
The whole reason I’ve been living in solitude is that I CAN’T be around people without feeling extremely weird and awkward. It’s a feeling that is hard to describe, but is what is holding me entire life back, to the point of not being (bearably) livable.

Ok, if you can’t be around other people, regardless of the reason, then simply don’t be. Well, you will have to adapt, if you hasn’t already, to being near them like on the street or standin in line in a shop. But nobody said that you have to have like friends to live a normal life. I ain’t got friends outside of basically this website and I’m almost completely OK with that. People are screwed up anyway, what’s the point getting friends if the majority out there are just immoral hypocrites. Less friends=less problems you have to deal with.

Hey - I’m glad to see a reply on this! I’m hoping that that overdose doesn’t do anything to your system, I really am. People around here just don’t understand what it’s like to be in your state. It’s not like you want to chose to be alone. Not at all. What you need is people who won’t just look at you and write you off, because people like that, that look and you and think that you’re something you’re not - ie, dumb, slow, on drugs, what have you - they just make the problem all that harder to deal with. And that’s what it is - it’s a problem. It’s not /you/.

I’ll tell you what we’ve tried - me and my girl - and see if you might be able to try this yourself. I’ll say right now that we’ve gone to a number of therapists, and always what happens is my girl can already see what they’re going to try to do. They just aren’t as smart as she is - they ask questions she can see right through - , and she is too anxious to just come clean or do something that would help them understand her. I know you probably feel like this a lot.

So while therapy might be an option - I always hear people all like “once you find a good therapist things’ll change!” but I’m pretty skeptical - I’d encourage you to try finding online communities to be a part of, just because that’s really been helping my girl. She’s part of this online community of artists and writers - they all write and art together and stuff, it’s a livejournal thing - and though at first she just read their posts for years and years without saying anything, lately she’s been slowly posting more and more often. She’s grown more comfortable in a way with them, and though it’s still rather anxious for her, she can now talk on AIM and stuff with them and it’s not quite so stressful.

Now I know that internet relationships of any kind aren’t as fulfilling and worthwhile, so I’ll move on to the stuff we’re doing outside of the internet to start trying to help with the anxiety.

Aside from my friends, whom we try to socialize with - I’ve explained the situation to them and they’re good chaps and kind to her - we also take classes at the community college. Mostly things like art classes or working out classes and stuff. The thing this really helps is that you’re all there for a purpose. It’s also not awkward to be alone in a class of people who are all working on a painting or something (because it’s not like a team effort or something), so if it’s just too overwhelming to think of trying to connect you can minimize some of the anxiety by keeping to yourself.

What I like to do for her is try to abuse the fact that there are extroverted people. People like that like to start conversations and get to know people more than she or even I know how to. It’s easier to imitate confidence then it is to actually have it, and that’s one way I got all my friends. So far it helps, though she hasn’t made any serious close friendships yet. It just helps a little bit to be able to have a few positive conversations - it makes you feel a lot less awkward, so she notes to me. It’s like positive reinforcement for your brain so that it doesn’t go immediately to panic mode. Plus, it’ll be more obvious in a classroom setting that you’re not an idiot or on drugs, and people won’t think that immediately about you.

Those are the two main things we do. And it’s not like she has good days all the time. A lot of the time a few years ago, she’d be too mute to really respond to conversations, and people thought she was just dumb. Now, because of this slow reinforcement, she can have a conversation with someone. It’s still a bit stressful and anxious for her, and I’m not saying we’re fully through this, but people are much wiser in general about anxiety and anxiety disorders, and she’s been able to talk to people who don’t immediately think she’s just “shy” or an airhead or something like that - they understand that it’s hard for her, and they respond with more consideration than I thought the human race could give in general. It’s really helps to have these positive experiences.

You’re a musician - what do you play? I didn’t catch it if you said. I wouldn’t say to go find a band or something, but maybe if you get into some cheap music classes at a community college or something? That way you can afford yourself a little anonymous protection because you’re in a group, while at the same time being in a setting where you can prove that you’re not an idiot easily and still be able to potentially, if slowly, attempt some socialization.

Anyway, I was really glad that you replied to me and you seem to be at least a little hopeful for the future. It means a lot to me to know that you’re still here. I hope that in here you might see some avenue that you might like to try, or that it might blossom some ideas I didn’t bring up.