life help: I need some help about i guess u would say death. - Help.com

Well, I don’t generally reply to posts like this, but I want to offer you something if I can.

First of all, only you know your true feelings about your mother. No one else can know this, so any judgement cast upon you by them about those feelings is made in error, so you just can’t worry about what others think.

Secondly, its ok if you don’t show your emotional loss through tears. This doesn’t mean you didn’t care for your mother, and it doesn’t mean that you aren’t feeling pain from her loss.

Lastly, there’s nothing wrong with disapproving of your mother’s lifestyle. There’s nothing wrong with feeling abandoned by her as a child. There’s nothing wrong with feeling like you weren’t as close as other daughters with their mothers. Just because you feel those things about a person, doesn’t mean you don’t love them.

You need to deal with her death in a way that suits you, not how others deal with it, or how others think you should deal with it.

Please don’t worry about what others think. Mourn your mother’s death how you are able to. Don’t try to fit into a mold you envision a mourner should be.

Showing up at your mother’s funeral despite your feelings or relationship with her when she was alive says a lot. If the rest of your family can’t respect this action on your part, then don’t let it get to you.

I believe you loved and cared for your mother, and I don’t know you. But it doesn’t matter what I or others think. Only what you feel matters.

I’m truly sorry for your loss and hope you can eventually find comfort. And please, if any of this has helped you, feel free to write back and I’ll offer to you what ever I can.

Everybody grieves in a different way. Lack of tears is completely understandable. Go to her funeral and try to commune with her. Say your good bye and anything else you would like to talk to her about. The grief might hit you tomorrow at the funeral or it might hit you many days or months down the line. You might not ever feel it. If and when you do, we invite you to come back here and share your grief with us. We are sure we can help you.

I’m just going to add one more thing here, then let “candp” handle it. Not b/c I don’t care, but b/c that user is much better with this kind of advice.

Maybe if you feel the need to get things off your chest, do so at a more appropriate time, not right now since she has recently passed on. Maybe give your family time to grieve, then talk to them about your feelings, so you can all deal with it together. Just a thought. (and I don’t mean you aren’t entitled to your feelings at all, I just think maybe you should wait just a little while. You are completely entitled to feel what you feel and be able to talk about it)

If you should change your stand we are are here to hear your story. We are sorry for your loss.

Perhaps you should see a grief counsellor. They are professionals who could help you most because they specialize in this field.

Everyone grieves differently. But you do have to talk to someone about what is bothering you and what you want to say. You just can’t keep it bottled up inside because it will eat at you. I do totally agree with the advice Cady and Candp gave you, hopefully you can get this out. Sounds like you have a lot of emotions going on inside, sometimes it takes awhile to get these emotions to surface and when they do, they will all come out. We are sorry for your loss and we are here to listen if you want to just vent.

Your ambivalence makes total sense. The other replies are correct that you shouldn’t be worrying about what other people think. If you can’t help yourself, then counseling to become a stronger person might be an option.

Personally, I believe that when we die we don’t really ‘go’ anywhere, we just become clear in our minds and hearts as we were meant to be. She GETS it now. She now sees your sacrifice, your pain, the pain she’s caused others and she can now feel her love for you and others. There’s no more drugs or alcohol to numb pain cuz it isn’t there anymore.

Talk to her in your head knowing this. She is NOW the mother you’ve always needed and wanted and she understands you 100% now. You can now have the relationship with her you’ve always wanted. Unfair? Yes, but that’s how it goes a lot of times.

When my birth father dies (I assume he’s still alive), only then can I have a relationship with him again.

Jen :)

my father died at 75 of cancer of the lungs and also he had a problem with drinking. I never knew what he felt or thought. I think that is just the way it was. It is too lete for us to have a meaningful relationship but not too late for me and my children.

Littlemama, there are lots of things you can do with your grief. If you would like to explore some of them we will be happy to help you. Understanding is the key to happiness.

Many people deal with things in diffrent ways You dont have to cry and if you dont want to cry then dont just tell them that sometimes people greif diffently I am so sorry for your loss I dont know if you bealive in go d but if you do Pary to him and ask him to help you deal with the situation and if not the egnore this part but I will keep you in my prayers

Littlemama, we know we can help you put everything in perspective if you are willing to put in the effort. Right now you are buried in the pain of grief and disappointment with a dash of guilt. This is a very painful place to live. We think the key lies in understanding why some of the things happened the way they did. Truth always sheds light on the way. Understanding Truth allows for forgiveness. Forgiveness allows for freedom to pursue happiness and peace within. Want to go for it?

Littlemama, take some time and dredge up all the feelings you have buried about your mom and make a hit list of what we need to address. where we will go is on a journey to understand. Without even knowing you we can tell you this. Many children that suffer at the hands of immature parents always internalize feelings of inadequacy and self blame. They always feel they were mistreated because they are not good enough. This is not truth and your child may need to know these things. Sound like a good place to start?

Take your time.

Litlemama, the first thing we would like to help you understand is that your feelings of anger and disappointment are well founded and need to be validated by you and us We are telling you that you have a right to feel these feelings, that your mother was a victim of the addictions she chose to engage in, they were not your fault in any way. You were a good child and you are a good adult and you will find inner peace and happiness as soon as you are able to understand that your mothers behavior was a product of the choices she made in her lifetime. These choices do not mean she did not love you. She loved you to the best of her ability. Unfortunately, people locked in addictions have a very screwed up priority list in life. That list accommodates the addictions before their loved ones. The first bit of understanding to embrace is that you were never unworthy of love. This is very important to digest and accept in you. This will open the door in you to see your lifetime much clearer. What do you think so far?

Littlemama, congratulations you did not choose the path that most in your situation would normally choose. That is that they become what they hate. They accept the parent behavior as the norm and repeat the cycle with their family. You were wise enough to choose a different path for yourself and your family. You broke the cycle of abuse. Take that wisdom and see that you are who you are today because of what you experienced as a child at the hands of an addicted parent. It sounds like you are stronger in your focus and convictions because of it. Can you see this? Use this insight to give yourself a great big pat on your back and then we will proceed. OK?

Do you have a belief system in place? In other words, where do you see yourself coming from?

you’ll cry when you need to cry–don’t push it–is anyone counting tears at the funeral? that’s sad that people worry more about what others aren’t doing, and focus less on what they are—that’s life, and death…tell them to get over it.

Littlemama, that is great. You already have some of the understanding we were going to share with you. Take a look at your life and see that at all the lowest points, somehow, there was always someone that appeared to help you through the tough times. This includes today. We choose to refer to our Creator as the Source of all that is seen and unseen because that eliminates all need for humans to divide into groups, compare and compete with each other, so when you hear us say our Source you will know what we are referring to. We can tell you this, you are a very important guiding light in this world. How do we know this? You were given a very challenging life with lots of obstacles to overcome and you found strength to do just that. Our Source communicates with us and answers our prayers through the mouths of others around us. When you harbor disappointment or disillusionment in your heart, our Source will lovingly guide you through the mouths of others and you will know when this happening because something they say will go directly to your heart and you will feel the touch. If you can accept this wisdom then you will be able to allow yourself to really listen to and give consideration to what we are saying to you. If you hear anything that makes your burden a little easier to bear or aids in developing a clearer understanding of His Truth pay particular attention to it. It is meant for you. As far as understanding your mother and the journey she chose, it would be necessary for you to understand first that we each create our own truth in our lifetime and that truth is a product of our beliefs, thoughts and behaviors at any given moment in time. When we approach a speed bump in life that we cannot seem to roll over, it just takes an adjustment in perception of truth to aid you in overcoming it. Understanding your mothers choices is a very big speed bump for you to overcome but we will tell you this. It will not be as hard as you may think it will be right now. Can you allow for this possibility in you?