and sometimes i just don’t know where to turn.
I didn’t used to feel like this, but I do now. I feel like the people who are my best friends- my soul brother, my best friend, my boyfriend- i don’t even know them anymore. Both my boyfriend and best friend smoke up, and while my soul brother doesn’t, he’s a dealer, along with his sister and brother-in-law. And here I am, trying to maintain a straight life, and they’re just… distractions. I hate to admit it, but I’ve come to almost resent them all. Sometimes I hate my boyfriend for showing up at my house stoned, sometimes I hate my best friend for showing me the awesome buds she buys almost daily, sometimes I hate everyone for just… being so blind. And the worst part is, I can’t tell them how frustrating it is. I can’t tell them I don’t want to be around all that ****. Their perpetual rat race. That little niche they can’t get out of. They don’t want to. It’s just too fun. I can’t ******* stand it. I was sitting there at my soul-brother’s house today, and his mom told my boyfriend “well, after you take her (me) home, you can come back and get high with me.” I mean, that offended me so much. She didn’t even refer to me by my name. I feel like I’m failing. I want a better life and I’ve been given a chance for it, but I need to sever ties from them, all of them, no matter how much I love them. And I love them all so much. I don’t want to leave them, but… It’s just too much pressure. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep feeling like I’m failing with each breath. I can’t keep putting off what I need to do all because they want to smoke a bowl and play a video game. It’s so very hard to stay away from, drugs. Alcohol. It’s everywhere. I want to get away, but it’s such a hard choice to make. Either those I love or the things I need to do for a better life. Can’t I have both somehow? If i leave them for five months, till I’m off probation, I guarantee they won’t miss me. Maybe my boyfriend would, but the others wouldn’t. they’d just be too wrapped up in their drugs. What do you guys say? where do i go? Love or obligation? I love them so much but… it’s detrimental to my very mind.
Since writing this post WhiteLoomCrows may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. WhiteLoomCrows is a verified member, has been around for 4 years, 3 months and has 125 posts and 417 replies to their name.
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