relationship help: I’d honestly love to kill myself. - Help.com

I’d honestly love to kill myself.

Nothing to me could be more satisfying than escaping to nothing.
I’ve done my best to be more socially involved, and the only result is being cast out even further. There’s only two people in this world I have been living for, 2 past love interests. I’ve been looking for one for 10 years, with the only hint to finding her being a 3 year-old blog. We met in the old Hotmail chat rooms. For 2 years we had a long-distance relationship, we synced to the point where we could finish eachother’s sentences. We didn’t even have to send messages, just seeing eachother log on reminded us of our love. But she stabbed me in the back, and I said some things I shouldn’t have. So like a lost puppy I’ve been stalking her blogs for years, just hoping to find some way of contacting her again.
The other one is still involved in my life and is a constant reminder of how useless and cowardly I am. I had her in the palm of my hand. We were meant to be, more so than the last. But again I ****** up, never asking her to make it a serious relationship. So she moved on, to a bitter enemy. Over the years I had followed her every move, being as best a friend as I could be. Because of this, my bitter enemy and I began to get along and are good friends to this day. I forgive him for taking her away from me, if only because I was weak enough to allow it. This woman is no longer who I want to be with. She has changed so much and not for the better. I miss her when we were younger. When she jumped on me and wrapped her legs around mine, just because I walked into gym class (Senior year of high school). Just for being away from eachother for 3 hours, she acted like her reason for being had entered the room. Taking photos in the woods behind the school for the hell of it, I remember taking one in particular of her, getting ready for a good shot of a flower. The way she sat on my lap when watching movies or playing video games or just vegetating on the couch. I was with someone who actually gave a ****. Someone who wouldn’t spit on me just for being existent.
I can’t even approach a woman anymore, let alone a stranger in a local hangout. All I can remember when I approach someone I’m attracted to I’m reminded of the worthless pile of **** that I am. How dare I approach this normal human being. They’re not ugly like me, they’re just having a coffee, what justifies Quazzie Modo to talk to a normal person going about their business? The second I smile at them they just cringe and back away. My rotten ******* teeth. Never forced to brush. So there they are. Yellow disgusting teeth, 2 of them falling apart. Even on dating websites I’m turned down because of them.
The only reason I’m alive is because of being successful enough to avoid thinking like this, keeping myself busy and alive to serve and make others happy. I just can’t do that anymore, I feel nothing for them anymore, everyone becomes greedy and takes advantage of you at some point. The second I do something that makes me happy, I’m reprimanded. Quit my job at (B)LOWE’S, so now I don’t have the money to go out with my only 3 friends. No gas money to go to interviews. Forced to work for $8/hr to a job that takes me an hour and a half to get to. Sucking up to Union assholes to get a real job that pays money that I don’t even know what to do with (2 year process with no results). No health insurance, no dental, no nothing.
Keeping myself alive for other’s sake is case in point for my argument against the classic “suicide is selfish” ********. I’m suffering so they don’t have to? How in the hell is that not selfish of them? If they really cared, they wouldn’t beg me to stay alive so they didn’t have to hurt emotionally. I’m in a living hell - for their ******* sake. That’s true selfishness. My life has been on a decline for, well, my whole life, so what’s the point of being even more miserable the next day, and the next day, and the next?
If I had the money to fix my teeth and get professional help I would. Just to see what being “happy” is like once more. But I don’t see it happening.

This open post was written 1 year, 8 months ago | V/U/S: 568, 7, 2 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

Health insurance, When She Jumped, long distance, Remember When, Professional, relationship, selfishness, living hell, High school, Video Games, suicide, depression, worthlessness (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

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