life help: Help me get motivated to live my life again - Help.com

If there was no change, there’d be no butterflies.

Why do you feel the way you feel? Are you afraid of anything or is there something out there you want and not getting? You have to ask yourself these questions to figure out why you are so demotivated to live. Then think of steps you can take now, today, that will lift you up. This includes changing the way you view life to a more positive perspective. Try this, think of (and dwell on)at least 10 things in your life that you are grateful for today. This could be anything… even if its the fresh air you can breathe when many others have to use oxygen tanks. This usually helps me appreciate life and make the most of it.

wil wrote:
If there was no change, there’d be no butterflies.

Thank you Wil!

I feel like this because everything is changing around me & it’s out of my control. I used to be the most positive person in the world with the highest aspirations & I would never give up!!

Even trying to think of 10 things to be grateful for is difficult for me today. I’ve got three & just breakdown thinking how pathetic it is that I can’t think of more. I know there are people worse off than me, but I have literally lost everything.

I am going to spend my day finding 7 more positive things. . .

Ok, I am sorry this will be long but I feel its important I tell you everything I want to say. May be sharing my experience and what I know will fast track you towards recovery and being motivated again. If for any reason any of it offends you, please forgive me- by no means its meant to.

I can not tell you I fully appreciate the extent of your pain, but I can tell you, I too have once had it all, after spending years building a life exactly like I wanted- in every respect. I was in control. Within 7 days my entire life collapsed from every angle- one incident after another. I thought it was impossible that someone could suffer so much in such a short space of time. A very dark cloud loomed over me for a loooong time. At the time, I ‘had’ two choices: fight or die. Strangely, I had an equal desire for both. I wanted to fight because like you, I was never one to give up. I was ambitious and I knew I had it in me to overcome the troubles I faced. On the other hand, dying was a very easy and attractive option. In the end I decided I wasn’t going to give up because I have not exhausted all effort to ’survive’. I had to figure a way out of the mental prison *I* got myself into.

By this I mean, although life was really tough and I had no purpose and nothing to live for-I realised I was being deceived by my own mind. In the midst of turmoil, I was naively convinced I can change circumstances and realities that were never going to change. I suffered from ‘Control Addiction’. Even when things went wrong, they had to be fixed exactly the way I wanted them to be fixed. (Contd. on next post)

The first step I had to take is realise that whilst I thought I have been in control all my life, in reality, I never was in control of anyone or anything. Absolutely nothing! and that no one else is either. What a simple concept that is frequently overlooked yet lies at the very core of many personal problems. Coming face to face with this reality is hard to accept as it is considered a major weakness for many. But it was the truth. I stopped trying so hard to work things out, I stopped mentally rehearsing what I should and shouldn’t have done, I stopped questioning people’s motives, I simply stopped fighting with the way things turned out… It was time to give up fighting over circumstances beyond my control and focusing on those I can and should be in control of- my own mind. It was also the very thing that was actually making me feel depressed, demotivated, weak, anxious and lost. What I came to realise is that within the mind too, lies the road to recovery. I decided I was never going to die before at least attempting to conquer my mind. (Continued on next post…)

I now know that we really are our worst enemy. Change the way you talk, and you will change the way you think and feel- regardless of what happened. Hard? yes, I know, but make it an objective, it does get easier. Insist on being positive and challenge yourself to finding good things in situations and people. Abandon negativity in all its forms- including talking about little things like bad weather. You might think this is not going to make a slight bit of difference to the way you feel now, but believe you me, it will. You WILL eventually see yourself attracting desireable, positive things and exciting opportunities into your life. Remember, nothing stays the same, and it takes time. We often need to go through the valleys to get from one mountain top to another. Even then, you have a way to go before you get to the top. Thats just the way life seems to operate. Keep this thought in your mind. Resist your mind, refuse to allow it to dictate who you really are. Remember the happy days, remember what you have achieved. Start it all over again if you have to. You will see how life can be beautiful again and you can live it with remarkably renewed strength to overcome anything. You alone have to want this bad enough to make a difference to your life several months down the line. Believe me, by then your perspective will have changed dramatically.

With all this in mind, I go back to my suggestion to think of 10 good things you are grateful for. Because you have this ‘dark cloud’ looming over your mind, and a certain ‘heaviness’ in your heart- you will find it difficult to think of the positives in your life. Somehow the mind will ‘twist’ anything you come up with to agree with the way you feel. Why? IT (your mind) seems more comfortable in that state right now. Be aware of this, you can actually start observing this happening, especially when you attempt to think of a good thing. The tough part here, is blocking the ‘buts’ that come after you think of something positive.

Finally remember this: please, please don’t allow your feelings to distort and over-ride your reality. So, YES you are thankful that you can breathe fresh air and can do so unassisted. Whatever you do don’t allow your mind say stuff like: “yeah but I don’t need fresh air, the way I feel now I would rather die.” - no you don’t, not really. Instead say, I am happy to be alive and I will face whatever is up against me and I am not afraid and I will make it even better than before- I just need time”. No matter how hard you find it at times, keep saying it until your inner thoughts and feelings line up with the way you are talking. Take it a day at a time, small steps, you will get there.

I did- and I’m glad I never gave up despite the ‘batterings’ and time it took to recover and ultimately create a much better quality of life than I ever had. I eventually came to admit I really had to go through with much of the pain I went through in order for me to enjoy what I have today.

Please consider what I said and keep talking to yourself and try to think of 10 positive things in your life everyday. It will get easier if you keep at it, I promise you.

I’d like to think that one day I will ’see you’ on the mountain top again.

This is really good advice moonlightsupper. It’s funny, I subconsciously knew everything you’ve just recounted, but I’ve never tried the positive affirmations myself. I think I will start doing that too. I want to change the way I think.

I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you have taken the time to reply to me. Today I left the house with three things to be thankful for & told myself I had to focus on finding at least one more before the end of the day - I have finished the day on six. This feels like a positive progression for me because I am over half way to the top, ‘10′! I viewed the world in a different way today. I will continue to focus on finding a minimum of five when I am at my lowest, & 10 for the good days.
You are totally right, my fear is not of losing control, but the shock of discovering I am not in control! I was so low I came here for help. There are so many people around me that care for me & are willing to help me but I don’t want to share my feelings with them when I am this low because it’s not who I really am. It’s like you said, it’s my mind taking over. Reading your reply was reassuring for me. knowing that if I focus on the things around me rather than just myself I will see that there are others that have been through what I am going through now. The most difficult thing in my life at the moment is the empty feeling I have. It’s like a huge part of me has been taken away & I’m fighting to get it back, but I don’t know where to start. Looking for more positives in my life today was really hard. I kept seeing people in a worse place than me & just getting on with it. All I could do was cry. How do they get on with there lives without complaining & I breakdown in the middle of the road feeling empty? I can’t explain the emptiness?
How do you cope with the bad days?
It’s going to be a long hard road to get me out of how a feel now, but you have really helped me to begin the struggle back to the top.
Thank you

Glad to hear you’re on the mend. Bad days will come, and it’s important not to be disheartened when progress takes a step backwards.
Bear in mind that you can’t help others until you’ve helped yourself. You are your first priority.
Seek a professional if you haven’t already.

I agree there will be bad days, some even worse than others. It sounds like unfortunate things have happened to you very recently and that’s perhaps why you’re feeling delicate- almost worn out to the point of breakdown and losing sense of reality and people around you. I want you to know and remember, this really is only temporary. It’s OK to feel all the intense feelings especially when it’s a real bad day and there seems to be no other way- but please never act on your feelings cause they will distort your judgement and behavior. So on a bad day, it is important not to deny the feeling, recognise it but also tell yourself (again, over ride what your mind tells you) “this is a bad day and my focus today is to get through it cause I know tomorrow is another day and I’m expecting it to be better”. Write it down if you have to over and and over particularly when your mind tries to block or ‘argue’ with any positive thought. Even if tomorrow is no better (I’ll be honest, in the beginning there will be more bad days than good) keep saying the same. The trick is not to be harsh on yourself when you start feeling down. Find the strength to encourage yourself and preferably plan what you will be doing each day- and aim to stick to it. Try to get busy with something you enjoy or gives you a sense of achievement- this will force your mind off the problem. Nevermind tomorrow- focus on helping yourself a day at a time. Another thing thats really helpful: before you fall asleep, take this thought (or similar) with you “I will get through this situation, I can do this, I am not afraid to face my problem”. Amazing things happen to our brain and patterns of thinking while we sleep.

Its natural to feel empty after a loss, the bigger the loss the bigger the ‘mental hole’. Life seems meaningless but again recognize this and know for sure that no hole remains empty in the human mind, given time, it will fill up again with something, more than likely, better for you.

Controlling your mental thoughts will become easier. Every moment draws you one tiny step further away from the problem. You just have to work at it now more than ever. As Wil says, “YOU REALLY ARE YOUR FIRST PRIORITY”…