I am bored, but in a melancholy way.
I have nothing to do.
I know i should be grateful for it, but I’m not.
I’m listening to a YouTube video of someone covering “Michelle” by the Beatles.
I open a new tab, and just sit there. The thought runs across my head that I’m not really going anywhere at the age of sixteen.
I should like it, but I don’t.
Maybe i’ll waste more of my day and go on 4chan.
Another thought runs across my head that I miss my last girlfriend, but I don’t feel either way about getting another one.
Maybe I’ll play one of my guitars, make a recording, and be productive. I’ve always needed to work on that album.
Suddenly, I feel an emptiness, like it is even possible, growing in me. I’m terrified, because i know that my depression is coming back.
I just sit there, and stare at my computer screen. My eyes slowly start welling up, but I hold it in. I want to do a good job for everyone.
I think to myself, “I’m going to go spend the day in my room. I have no one to do anything with.”
I sit in my room and curl up in my bed. Part of what i said is true. I’ve alienated all of my best friends, and I recently broke up with my girlfriend because it wasn’t working out.
I can still hear my computer softly singing “Michelle” to me. Why can’t I be happy with my life?
I just bought a new overdrive pedal today. It’s sitting, plugged in, at the foot of my bed. I can hear the low hum of my amplifier. I forgot to unplug my guitar.
None of that matters, though. My feeling of worthlessness comes back, even stronger. I look around at my room. My basket of picks is knocked over. I didn’t even notice that i did that, but it must have happened when i walked in.
A sudden warmth crawls over me, the same time as an emotional coldness. I drift off into sleep.
My door opens, and i slowly open my eyes. It’s dinnertime, and we’re having burgers. Since I am a vegetarian, I’ve been made a Boca burger.
I Should feel grateful, but i don’t feel anything. I sit down, feeling like i am going to lose my composure. I miss everything i used to have. I threw it all away. I hear my parents make conversation with me, and I smile and nod.
I bite into my fake burger. I can’t even taste it. It feels like I won’t be able to keep it down for long. I look at my hands, and they’re shaking. My parents asked me something, and i assumed it was along the lines of “What’s wrong?” based on their expressions. I start to talk, but I can’t hear my voice. I must have said something like “I don’t feel good. I’m going to go lay down.”
I walk quickly to my room. As soon as i shut the door, I burst into tears. What is wrong with me? I can’t feel good even though my life is much more than just good. I pick up the guitar of mine that’s plugged in.
I slowly sing and play to myself…
“Michelle, my belle,
These are words that go together well,
Since writing this post Nebrethar may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. Nebrethar is a verified member, has been around for 1 year, 6 months and has 7 posts and 7 replies to their name.
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