computer help: I am bored, but in a melancholy way. - Help.com

I am bored, but in a melancholy way.

I have nothing to do.

I know i should be grateful for it, but I’m not.

I’m listening to a YouTube video of someone covering “Michelle” by the Beatles.

I open a new tab, and just sit there. The thought runs across my head that I’m not really going anywhere at the age of sixteen.
I should like it, but I don’t.
Maybe i’ll waste more of my day and go on 4chan.
Another thought runs across my head that I miss my last girlfriend, but I don’t feel either way about getting another one.
Maybe I’ll play one of my guitars, make a recording, and be productive. I’ve always needed to work on that album.

Suddenly, I feel an emptiness, like it is even possible, growing in me. I’m terrified, because i know that my depression is coming back.

I just sit there, and stare at my computer screen. My eyes slowly start welling up, but I hold it in. I want to do a good job for everyone.

I think to myself, “I’m going to go spend the day in my room. I have no one to do anything with.”

I sit in my room and curl up in my bed. Part of what i said is true. I’ve alienated all of my best friends, and I recently broke up with my girlfriend because it wasn’t working out.

I can still hear my computer softly singing “Michelle” to me. Why can’t I be happy with my life?

I just bought a new overdrive pedal today. It’s sitting, plugged in, at the foot of my bed. I can hear the low hum of my amplifier. I forgot to unplug my guitar.

None of that matters, though. My feeling of worthlessness comes back, even stronger. I look around at my room. My basket of picks is knocked over. I didn’t even notice that i did that, but it must have happened when i walked in.

A sudden warmth crawls over me, the same time as an emotional coldness. I drift off into sleep.

My door opens, and i slowly open my eyes. It’s dinnertime, and we’re having burgers. Since I am a vegetarian, I’ve been made a Boca burger.

I Should feel grateful, but i don’t feel anything. I sit down, feeling like i am going to lose my composure. I miss everything i used to have. I threw it all away. I hear my parents make conversation with me, and I smile and nod.

I bite into my fake burger. I can’t even taste it. It feels like I won’t be able to keep it down for long. I look at my hands, and they’re shaking. My parents asked me something, and i assumed it was along the lines of “What’s wrong?” based on their expressions. I start to talk, but I can’t hear my voice. I must have said something like “I don’t feel good. I’m going to go lay down.”

I walk quickly to my room. As soon as i shut the door, I burst into tears. What is wrong with me? I can’t feel good even though my life is much more than just good. I pick up the guitar of mine that’s plugged in.

I slowly sing and play to myself…

“Michelle, my belle,
These are words that go together well,
my Michelle..”

This open post was written 1 year, 6 months ago | V/U/S: 361, 1, 1 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

girlfriend, Michelle, computer, Feeling, Thought, guitar, Burger, start, Wrong, work (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

A logged in and verified Help.com member has the ability to setup a Friends List and invite others to help with posts.