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Ahh, I shouldn’t have posted this.
I just sound like a whiny b***h.
._.
I don’t think you sound like a whiny b!tch
nebula, wrote:
Ahh, I shouldn’t have posted this.
I just sound like a whiny b***h.
._.
woah woah! dont go doing anything youll regret now! Everyone goes through struggles in life, and yes there are things to live for! There’s Jesus Christ! He died for us, we can live for him! Dont ever lose hope in yourself! Everything WILL turn out ok, you just have to try! You cant expect life to be easy and perfect, you cant expect to put forth no effort. Dont ever give up on life, it is a beautiful precious thing, and once taken can never be returned.
If you are a narcissitic, then you need outside show of approval to feel better, which most people do. The other day I felt so bad and i was looking things up and i came across these writings about narcissim and personality disorders..the funny thing is…I can honestly say I think everyone is a narcissist to an exent, some more than others. There may be some who are not, but let me tell you, they do not function in this society. They wouldn’t be able to. But some people are WAY more. The problem is that you think too much. SERIOUSLY. You might have never even thought about it, but once you do, you will want to meditate. You need to be reborn. To have no thought. The reason you don’t? Your scared. Because those things are your coping mechanisms. You probably became an introvert when you didnt feel like you succeeded in outside relatinoships and now you have no practice. You live too much inside your own head so its hard for you to realise that you are not just you, and no one is. Here is the thing about people who have so called “personality disorders” we are sometimes so smart (because we live in our heads and need to find peace somehow so look for answers) that sometimes we find answers on how to free ourselves from pain…BUT WE NEVER TAKE THEM!! You know why? Because we have loved our individuality so much, we may not even realise it. We think that if you take our minds a way we will lose control and have nothing..and you may be right. Spiritual leaders teach enlightment…some people think enlightment is happiness. but its not. enlightment is the absense of happiness and sadness, and that scares people. people who are manic depressive hate it but they feel like if they get rid of it they wont be special or creative anymore and thats the thing…we hold our identity so close…but listen, you are closed off now. there is nothing you will ever gain from it. to attain englightment is to simply be, as the animals and trees. of course, if we attained complete contentment we wouldnt be able to cope in the us because welll…itd be hard. I have wanted to kill myself sometimes, because I hate myself. i now realise the only way to escape is not to kill yourself but to realise this is all a big joke, that really, you dont have to be this way, but its your choice. how important is your pride? how deeply have you built your defense mechanisms?
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I think that you’re just venting to relieve some pressure and get some help. It’s a good thing. Yeah Help.com is lame place to get it and whatever. But whatever. I think that if you’re really in a situation where therapists aren’t really capable of grasping the depths of you than you need to find someone who can “see through all of your ****” so to speak, someone who can intuitively tell what’s going on with you.
Anonymous
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1 year, 6 months ago (29 minutes after post)
Bite me it will make you happy I will scream and you will laugh and it will be something we have not done before. I have to tell you I just do not have the energy for this, I am walking where you are tonight too. I have no idea how you feel because I do not have anything but pain and tears lately. I am sorry for you being in this place at your age… all I can say is hang in there, nothing is static.. live these days anyways and try..sending you a hug. I am going to bed
you probably had an insecurity about your ability to give and recieve love so you resorted to be better at things like debate. ehhh, im just a girl trying to help, cause ive been there. I’m going to recommend a book (kindof) I FOUND IT EXTREMELY HELPFUL, although it can seem pretty silly at times. I am a harsh critic and overall I think the book helped me a lot (at the time). The book is conversations with god by neale walsh. So the book is about this guy who thinks hes talking to god. Now, I don’t think he actually talked to god, but its still a good book.
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I dont pander to the “help me’ im going to kill myself bs”. Its typical and unoriginal, also not my area of understanding or concern.
It seems to me like you have an opportunity to do some crazy sh*t without fear…i mean epic sh*t. Google garretT mcnamara…he just surfed a 90 ft wave…if that doesnt spark you…then take a dive at the bottom..at least youll be an FN hero. Or watch dexter, put your inability to feel to good use…
Disclaimer…i am not a professional, just a realist
I was sad to read the title of this post. Your name has stood out on this site to me. You have a similar situation to me. I think too much, and tend to surround myself with negative people. Not healthy. Try doing the opposite. jreed5 stated it eloquently.
You have many chances to walk on a healthy path. Why don’t you consider Sufi meditation? Seriously, it has turned around the lives of many people I know.
jreed5 wrote:
i now realise the only way to escape is not to kill yourself but to realise this is all a big joke, that really, you dont have to be this way, but its your choice. how important is your pride? how deeply have you built your defense mechanisms?
This. I, I more or less am at contentment. I don’t really “think” anymore, I am automatic. I DO feel as if I “just am”. I never understood meditation because it’s as if I am already meditating, if that makes sense. On one hand, I just exist. I don’t know. I’ve seriously considered at some points just going to one of those Buddhist monasteries to live a simple life. Find some sort of Enlightenment.
I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I don’t particularly WANT to kill myself, but I don’t not want to, either.
I’m not making any sense. Ugh.
CharmedSilly wrote:
Have you ever thought of just running away somewhere. There is a whole world out there to find your emotions in. You’ll be surprised how much better it will make you feel climbing a volcano in Guatemala and seeing the jet stream take off the flumes of other volcanoes thousands of miles off in the distance, or teaching street kids in Cambodia, who need energy and direction.
You are emotionless because you live in an ultimately unrewarding and emotionless society where greed and materialism reign supreme. Sure you can top yourself, but why not chuck yourself out of your current condition and get into a new one. It is that easy.
It’s like throwing yourself out of an plane. You can either do it with or without a parachute but the experience is still the same, just with a parachute you can land and go and try something else afterwards…
I’ve thought of it many times; leaving everything behind as soon as I get my GED, or graduate high school. Unfortunately, these things all require money. I have no money. It seems impossible.
I feel like I know exactly what you’re talking about to be honest.
Mike77 wrote:
I dont pander to the “help me’ im going to kill myself bs”. Its typical and unoriginal, also not my area of understanding or concern.
It seems to me like you have an opportunity to do some crazy sh*t without fear…i mean epic sh*t. Google garretT mcnamara…he just surfed a 90 ft wave…if that doesnt spark you…then take a dive at the bottom..at least youll be an FN hero. Or watch dexter, put your inability to feel to good use…
Disclaimer…i am not a professional, just a realist
Why does it matter? the fact is that he felt like he wanted to kill himself to get away? That doesnt mean he’s going to. Thats why he came here, because he doesnt have anywhere else to turn, and thats why he imagined suicide. hes become prison to his own mind, what makes you so angry that hes not happy? hes not happy while there are people out there who are being raped beaten and stuff and hes not? I mean gosh! hes just one little guy, he cant help it if he feels bad! stop being so self righteous!
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nebula, wrote:
CharmedSilly wrote:
Have you ever thought of just running away somewhere. There is a whole world out there to find your emotions in. You’ll be surprised how much better it will make you feel climbing a volcano in Guatemala and seeing the jet stream take off the flumes of other volcanoes thousands of miles off in the distance, or teaching street kids in Cambodia, who need energy and direction.
You are emotionless because you live in an ultimately unrewarding and emotionless society where greed and materialism reign supreme. Sure you can top yourself, but why not chuck yourself out of your current condition and get into a new one. It is that easy.
It’s like throwing yourself out of an plane. You can either do it with or without a parachute but the experience is still the same, just with a parachute you can land and go and try something else afterwards…
I’ve thought of it many times; leaving everything behind as soon as I get my GED, or graduate high school. Unfortunately, these things all require money. I have no money. It seems impossible.
sounds like your too influenced by your enviroment. the goal is to be able to be happy anywhere! you should work on that for starters
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Mike77 wrote:
I dont pander to the “help me’ im going to kill myself bs”. Its typical and unoriginal, also not my area of understanding or concern.
It seems to me like you have an opportunity to do some crazy sh*t without fear…i mean epic sh*t. Google garretT mcnamara…he just surfed a 90 ft wave…if that doesnt spark you…then take a dive at the bottom..at least youll be an FN hero. Or watch dexter, put your inability to feel to good use…
Disclaimer…i am not a professional, just a realist
I do agree though that sometimes we just need to step back and look at things in perspective and it makes feel better. but pain is pain. if your unaware that it could be worse you really cant be blamed. and just because you know things could be worse doesnt mean the pain will go away.
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You guys are all missing the point of this guys feelings…he doesnt have them the way other people do…its a void..
Imagine trying to truly love without the emotion of love…
He needs to approach life in an unconventional way…DO SOMETHING EPIC…SOMETHING THE REST OF US CANT OR WONT DO because emotion gets in the way…that does not mean killing your parents
It means…pack up your stuff and go to the highest building in the world and base jump…if you survive then do something else…LIVE EPICLY!!!
Mike77 wrote:
You guys are all missing the point of this guys feelings…he doesnt have them the way other people do…its a void..
Imagine trying to truly love without the emotion of love…
He needs to approach life in an unconventional way…DO SOMETHING EPIC…SOMETHING THE REST OF US CANT OR WONT DO because emotion gets in the way…that does not mean killing your parents
It means…pack up your stuff and go to the highest building in the world and base jump…if you survive then do something else…LIVE EPICLY!!!
haha thats actually a good plan.
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She, I’m a she.
Mike is right, though, I think.
I think it would be very beneficial for me to do something crazy like that.
“Anyone desperate enough for suicide…should be desperate enough to go to creative extremes to solve problems: elope at midnight, stow away on the boat to New Zealand and start over, do what they always wanted to do but were afraid to try.”
I just, I don’t know, there are too many obstacles, it feels like. I’m 15 years old. I can’t just get up and go.
I know what you’re getting at Mike. Sounds like a cool idea actually
There was a video I want to find about a news report on a man who turned his depression into a risk-taking opportunity to plunge over sides of mountains. He’s like a modern batman.
nebula, wrote:
She, I’m a she.
Mike is right, though, I think.
I think it would be very beneficial for me to do something crazy like that.
“Anyone desperate enough for suicide…should be desperate enough to go to creative extremes to solve problems: elope at midnight, stow away on the boat to New Zealand and start over, do what they always wanted to do but were afraid to try.”
I just, I don’t know, there are too many obstacles, it feels like. I’m 15 years old. I can’t just get up and go.
To be honest, I’ve had thoughts about doing the same thing with my own suicidalness.. It is hard when you’re 15 though. Although,it IS possible. One of my good friends did it.
Pain in Paradise wrote:
To be honest, I’ve had thoughts about doing the same thing with my own suicidalness.. It is hard when you’re 15 though. Although,it IS possible. One of my good friends did it.
How so?
With no money and no skills. .-.
nebula, wrote:
Pain in Paradise wrote:
To be honest, I’ve had thoughts about doing the same thing with my own suicidalness.. It is hard when you’re 15 though. Although,it IS possible. One of my good friends did it.
How so?
With no money and no skills. .-.
I don’t know. It baffles me. He’s got like some weird special ability at being super resourceful. But, he’s also a really nice kid and good at meeting people and making friends, which is like half the battle. (I’m a little jealous of him for it)
Oops…she…my opinion stands..
However…one caveat…being 15 is one of the most deceptive times in a persons life. One feels like thay have experienced life without having ever been given the chance to live independently. Perspective can only be gained through time and experience. There are no short cuts. Only one guarantee…. You will feel different about life in 5 years…then again in 10….then again in 15….not sure about after that
No, no, this is just ridiculous.
I’m just… I’m just going to suck it up and deal with it. I’m being irrational, I just need to get finished with high school, go to a nice university, work to get a PhD, then I can start researching in whatever field I go into, learn whatever. And hope that I find some kind of happiness along the way. Then die. Even if life is meaningless, I’ll at least (maybe) have the satisfaction of knowing I TRIED to give it meaning…
Ugh, I do apologize for this post. I’ve just been in a rut.
Don’t apologize. I think you were making a lot of sense with all that stuff about how meditation doesn’t make sense to you and that you’re sort of “always meditating in a way”. I think that it’s good that you’re deciding to finish school and all that stuff. But I also like your interest in going away to a Buddhist monestary and all that. I don’t know how much the psychedlics have played a role in that for you, but it can definitely be a natural progression to make that leap. Sounds like it’d be a cool experience. Plus they might be able to get a good sense of what’s going on with you. And even if you go, you’d probably want to come back again at some point (usually that’s what happens with people in my experience). “to have a foot in each world”. one in the material world and another in the spiritual.
My sister once tried to kill herself… it tore apart my family and my relationship with her. She said the same thing, that she did not feel anything at all for anyone, not even for herself. It turns out that she has alexithymia. It’s an actual problem that people face. She got to the point where she saw no reason to exist. She is doing better now, she once told me that something I said is what helped her through it. I told her that right now she felt this way, and that she would not always feel this way. I kept telling her that she needed to hold out and see what was in store for her. I told her to stop trying to be what everyone else wanted her to be and to try being what she wanted to be. We were raised in a Christian family, now my sister follows Buddhism. She found something that does make her feel. She loves to bake, and she loves her nieces and nephew. What I am trying to say is that, you might have an actual reason for feeling this way, but you need to remind yourself that just because at the age of 15 life is not great does not mean that life wont be great later.
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i think u got purpose and meaning in life mixed up or something…
its true that there is no meaning in life nor is their a global natural purpose for each one of us…
the good news is that we create our own purpose in life, for each person decides what his purpose in life should be… it would be a smart move to choose a purpose in life that is not reachable… lets say ur purpose in life could be ‘be the best person u can be and take the best care of your family’…
i will tell you what i have found… everything in life is NOT meaningless… you affect the world around you more than you can imagine… we affect people around us all the time, without us this world wouldn’t be the same…
i’d like to see this world be a good and happy place… so i try my best to affect people in a good way that will result later on that they themselves will affect others in a good way, making all this world a better **** place…
this world needs you… there are a lot of people out their who need your help and guidance… help urself and help all ur brothers and sisters in the world
peace out ^_^
nebula, closed this post.
nebula, edited this post 1 year, 6 months ago. Read the previous text »
I’m going to kill myself.
Yep, uhh. I don’t know why I’m posting this here… See, I just wrote up an unnecessarily long wall of text. But I’m rewriting it, cutting to the chase. Basically, I have depersonalization disorder. No feelings, completely empty. Severe depression. Dissatisfaction with myself and the world. Maybe I set my expectations too high, but since life is inherently meaningless, I tried to give mine my own meaning - to learn. But I try, I learn and I learn, but never is it enough. So I grew a fascination in psychedelics, hoping to feel something, and it worked, sometimes I’d feel uncontrollably happy with everything, and a few other times I’d feel like I was dying, I’d go through a hell of sorts. But it was great to finally feel something.
Naturally, the emotions were always temporary. At the end of the week (I’d say day but the effects could be somewhat lasting), I’d still be emotionless, sleepwalking, robotic. I wasn’t ever an “addict” (in quotations because the substances I used were never physically addictive), I only did certain things (shrooms, morning glory) maybe five or so times… Anyways. For years, my mother has taken me to psychiatrists. They would give me antidepressants, but they never worked because they numbed me even more. They didn’t understand that I wasn’t SAD, but emotionless.
Therapists are too stupid, I’ve been to plenty. They never get anywhere. And me… I’m just a narcissistic pseudo-intellectual. I make myself seem smart. But I’m really not. I’m just a stupid kid. They tell me I have potential, that I’m intelligent, that I just need to motivate myself. F**k, they’re all so stupid. Can they not see how absolutely arrogant I am? I put on a mask, I don’t really know a d*mn thing. I’m just playing mind games with them, and I’ll blatantly show them this. I tell them not to take me seriously. They always do. I don’t know, I don’t know what I want out of them, a fix, maybe? Something has obviously gone very wrong with me. And nobody else notices.
I don’t even know. This is still too long, and I can’t even organize my thoughts to get my points across. I’m tired. Impatient. Alone, and without a purpose or an identity. And I’m probably going to take my own life soon.
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