I feel so alone…
Hello everyone. Nice to meet you all.
I’m a 19 year old lesbian college sophomore. I feel as if I don’t have any friends. I’m a very shy and timid person but I do open up to people when I get to know them. I had some terrific friends when I was younger and, as I got older, we all just drifted apart. I didn’t get along with some of them because it was obvious that they didn’t fully accept me because of my sexual orientation. They would make little comments here and there and talk about me behind my back. Even my gay friends spoke about me behind my back because they didn’t truly believe I was gay since I was never in a relationship with a girl (or anyone, for that matter). I’ll come back to this point later on, though. I thought that when I started college, things would be different. I was wrong. If anything, it’s so much harder to make friends now than it was when I was younger. When I’m in school, I’ll see some friends (the few friends that I have or thought I had) and we’ll get along really well. But then I come home and I’m so lonely because they never call/text/email/etc. I thought that it was my fault, so I decided to reach out more. I would text them, ask them if they wanted to hang out. That didn’t work. I’m beginning to wonder if I have any true friends. Many of my friends stopped talking to me when they got into a romantic relationship or when they made new friends.
I don’t drink; I don’t like to party all the time but I WILL go to a party because I’m trying to be more outgoing. I know people think I’m boring because of the whole “not drinking” thing. I don’t hook up with people because that’s not my style. I’m traditionally romantic. I would like to get to know a person before I began to date them. I can’t hook up with anyone because I know I’ll get attached and it’ll hurt. I know for a fact that’s another reason why people think I’m no fun to be around.
Another one of my issues is that the people who I have crushes on never like me back. I’m beginning to wonder if I’m the problem. I know I should never change for anyone but what if it IS me? I’ve never been in a relationship, never been kissed, never been on a date. I would love to know what it feels like when your crush has mutual feelings. I don’t want to give up. I know that there’s a beautiful girl out there for me somewhere but I can’t help but feel like that’s not the case everytime my hopes get dashed.
So, to sum it all up, I feel very lonely because I feel as if I have no one to talk to. I try to reach out but it seems like all I’m ever good for is for people to tell me their problems. I think it’s flattering that people feel comfortable around me to be so open, but it would be great if they would talk to me just because they wanted to. I feel like most of the people I know don’t truly accept me for being gay. I also have gender issues and I’ve told some of my good friends (well, who I thought were my good friends) about it and some of them never even gave me the chance to explain myself. They either changed the subject or made a joke out of it. I feel very awkward around people. It’s so hard for me to put myself out there. I feel very disconnected from people. The one person who I felt connected to stopped talking to me because I confessed to her and told her that I had feelings for her. She said it was okay and that she was actually happy that I felt that way about her. Then she just stopped talking to me out of nowhere…That hurt so much because she was a terrific friend…I want to feel a connection with someone again. It’s so hard for me to trust people because so many people just take advantage of me or speak to me however they want. I’ve started standing up for myself but people just seem to take me for a joke.
I just feel so lonely…All I want to do is sleep so time can pass by.
Can anyone give me any advice on…anything, really? Please? Thanks so much for reading all of this. I appreciate it. And I’m sorry if I sound like I’m whining. I just really need some insight.
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