relationship help: Hello All..

fahrno

Hello All..

well to start my explanation of my situation I am 25 years old and recently started seeing a girl I have known for a couple years now and need some advice! About 2 years ago I was introduced to this girl as she was dating a friend of mine at the time. The friend of mine who was dating her on and off basically is just not the “True relationship type of person”. They dated on and off while he was in and out of jail all the time the past 2 years and basically used her for rides to places, and money to support him. Last summer he was serving a year long sentence and she had contacted me and asked me how I was doing and we decided to get together and catch up. During the on and off times while he was locked up me and her would hang out or run into eachother occasionally and I could tell how much she liked him and was there for him but he treated her terrible in return. Cheating on his part was a factor as well as just being a burden to her and treating her like she was just his slave. May I add that me and him were never “Close Friends, but more so aquaintance friends.” After serving his year sentence he was released about 3 months ago back in October if I had to guess, and they continued on with their relationship and eventually he cheated on her again and she finally stepped up to the plate and ended it for good in mid- November. A few weeks after there break up she had text messaged me to ask how I was doing and we got together and caught up which led to me explaining my thoughts on her situation to her and how I always had known she had a bigger heart that what she was getting from him and also proceeded to explain how I always somewhat had a little crush on her. Since then and over the past month, we have been seeing eachother and dating. Although it seems to be going well, there are still a few things that bother me that I could use some advice on. We have slept together twice now in the past couple weeks and have been seeing eachother pretty much on a regular basis. However, I notice myself being the affectionate one and notice that she does not show any affection at all. For example when I go in to kiss her, she always kisses back but I notice that she never goes out of her way to ask me for one. Also when we lay together in bed I feel as if im the only one partaking in the cuddling. She doesnt move away when I put my arm around her, but never seems to turn to put her arm around me as well. Last night I had mentioned it to her that it was bothering me and just wanted to know why the affectionate side wasnt there. She had just said that she isint sure why but just doesnt feel affectionate latley. I know she was having some issues of getting over her ex as she told me in the first couple weeks we were seeing eachother, but that seems to me as it is going away. Her mom absolutley loves me which is a great step into the relationship and she tells me all the time that her mom says I am golden for her and she shouldnt let me slip away. I dont take that for granted though as I know ultimatley it is up to her heart if she wants to make this a labeled “RELATIONSHIP.” She comes up to visit me at work often on her days off, and seems to be liking me but just having a hard time showing it. Also I should probably state that I am 25 years old and she is only 20, which isint a huge deal but at the same time I have been through similar break ups but not as rough so its confusing for me. Should I worry about her not showing affection to me? Am I going too far with overthinking this? Help!

This open post was written 1 year, 5 months ago | V/U/S: 277, 6, 3 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

Reciprocity (0)

Since writing this post fahrno may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. fahrno is a verified member, has been around for 4 years, 10 months and has 7 posts and 12 replies to their name.

Post Tags (12)

relationship, Get Together, Explanation, Last Night, confusing, Situation, Take That, Affection, sentence, November, Relationships, break ups (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

Replies (6)

Where were you?

Click and drag to move the map around. FAQ: How we place people on this map »
You can also watch events on Help.com as they happen

Mouse over the map for 2 seconds to see an expanded, interactive view

moonlightsupper 6 #
An Undisclosed Location | 1 year, 5 months ago (1 hour, 2 minutes after post)

I understand your concern about her lack of affection and how much you would like her to be different towards you.

I have to say though, I am looking at the overall picture here and from what I can see, she has been through much turmoil with the previous guy. Emotionally that must have taken a huge toll on her. Even though (and hopefully) she has finally seen the light and decided to end it with the previous guy, its not easy to switch off all that happened. The hurt and disappointment she suffered will linger for a while. Even when you are seemingly a far better choice for her, she can’t simply switch the past off and pretend it never happened. I would even understand if she doesn’t discuss her true feelings with you as its bound to make her feel uneasy and possibly foolish for what she put herself through.

I suggest you give her time and allow her feelings to adjust to the new relationship. After all, you have only been intimate for around a month. Please also remember that no matter how much effort you put into trying to make her behave or be, it will not change the process she has to go through. In fact and please be careful, you could even risk antagonizing her if you put pressure on her being affectionate towards you.

Along with time, give her support and let her know that you are there for her if she ever feels like talking. Spend other fun times together which will give her a chance to start creating a different world/ reality than the one she had previously known. Don’t show her you are upset and how much you want things to be different. Honestly its too early and if you really want to make this work, you need to be patient and not allow any negative feelings or thoughts to get in the way. I know it can not be easy on you either but you are in a much better position than she is.

I hope she gets over this phase soon, please don’t worry I hope this relationship will soon work out for you sooner rather than later.

Help me with: Eleven Hints for Life….

fahrno 0 #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 5 months ago (1 hour, 36 minutes after post)

Thank you very much. That is great help to me I must say. I will continue doing that and being supportive of her while maintaining to show her new things!

Help me with: So I started seeing this girl about 2 months ago.

moonlightsupper 6 #
An Undisclosed Location | 1 year, 5 months ago (1 hour, 39 minutes after post)

My pleasure; its always good to share things with others to give you another perspective and I am glad you found this helpful. Best wishes!

Help me with: Eleven Hints for Life….

fahrno 0 #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 5 months ago (2 hours, 16 minutes after post)

Do you feel me being 25 years old dating someone like this is a rough thing to do? I wonder about that as well because I know she hasnt hit the bar scene yet as well. I think I may just worry about it too much as well. Its been awhile since I have been in a relationship so I am just wanting to make sure it all works as perfect as possible!

Help me with: So I started seeing this girl about 2 months ago.

angel_angel_14 #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 5 months ago (3 hours, 54 minutes after post)

i completely agree with moonlight and i must add being previously jaded myself that after you’ve been used and abused it becomes much harder to show yourself to the next person who comes along. It will take some time for her to be able to open up completely and she is probably holding back subconscously because she fears being hurt again. this is in no way your fault, as great as you may be, after being screwed over people tend to be more on the lookout for it to happen again. she needs to learn to trust again, but it might take a little longer than you would hope. good luck and thanks for being one of the good ones.

This account has been deactivated.

moonlightsupper 6 #
An Undisclosed Location | 1 year, 5 months ago (4 hours, 42 minutes after post)

fahrno wrote:
Do you feel me being 25 years old dating someone like this is a rough thing to do? I wonder about that as well because I know she hasnt hit the bar scene yet as well. I think I may just worry about it too much as well. Its been awhile since I have been in a relationship so I am just wanting to make sure it all works as perfect as possible!

It may feel rough, but its quite common. In your case you have actually chosen to look at the reasons behind it and try and get some understanding to resolve it. Thats a real good thing. Many others end up arguing and splitting up when it was an issue that is worth working through. Hopefully she won’t need to hit the bar scene especially if you are there for her. Bear in mind some days will be better than others and some worse but its all part of the adjusting process. Just go with the flow and don’t think too much about what could or may happen. You will be OK.

Help me with: Eleven Hints for Life….

Invite Others to Help

A logged in and verified Help.com member has the ability to setup a Friends List and invite others to help with posts.

relationship help: Hello All.. - Help.com

Hello All..

Reciprocity (0)

Post Tags (12)

Replies (6)

Invite Others to Help

Help.com Homepage