Love at First Sight
I’ve never actually done this pertaining to this type of situation, but I always have turned to the internet when I have a problem (usually technical). I have known of this site, but never had such a dire need as I do now to seek help. I am turning here as a last resort because this means more than the world to me. A bit of back-story is required first… I will try to keep it shorter, yet it is important to fully understand and advise on the situation.
When I was finishing up grammar school I was not given a choice about which high school to go to. I hated this. All of my friends were all going to a different one, I literally knew nobody at this new school. On the day after our introduction I had my first classes, in this first class I saw a girl, and with her I fell in love at first sight. I had a science class with her as well, they day I was paired with her in that class was one of the best. The sophomore year I only had class with her once, but even though we didn’t talk more than twice, I loved it despite hating the class. I can’t say if I would have asked her out. I was a coward and she, to my knowledge (I didn’t keep track), just about always had a boyfriend.
Sometime during Sophomore year, likely later in it, I started to make my long, long list of mistakes. I asked a relative of hers to give me her phone number, and contacted her via texts to explain how I felt… This was the stupidest and most cowardly thing I could do. I wish I could go back and change it, but I can’t. She had a boyfriend at this time, whom I believe she is still somewhat with as of today. We talked a real lot from that point nevertheless. We talked, and fought too many times, until I could no longer handle the pain of seeing her with somebody else. I think the fighting stemmed from my sadness which I took out on her, as if she should just come with me. On July 23, 2009, junior year, I told her I couldn’t keep talking to her because of the pain. Senior year went without real event as we did not talk, nor had we had any classes together since sophomore year. I ended up having a class with her (and her boyfriend) which was, as you might imagine, weird.
We graduated and went our separate ways. I didn’t get to say goodbye. I planned to, but as I was looking for her I heard some of her family wondering where she was. I knew there wouldn’t really be a moment alone, yet part of it was again my cowardice… A year or so passed, but I could not forget. Every single painful day I couldn’t and can’t help but think of her. I can not stop. It is not so unlike when you see a horror movie and remember that monster while in a dark spot. Every time you walk into the darkness it hits you’re mind and there is literally nothing you can do to stop it. I tried so very hard to stop thinking about it. I got so close. But then I contacted her, I explained things to her, but we just fought. In the end, she decided she couldn’t have a friend with ulterior motives (to date then marry her; not anything sexual).
I tried again to forget her. I got so very close, yet time had changed for me. Time itself had no meaning as I had no goal and without that girl there, I didn’t give a **** what I looked like. I had met another girl at my college, whom, despite my insanely out of control long haired appearance, liked me. I was getting along with her well too, but then I stopped talking to her. One day, I woke up and realized, I didn’t want to forget her. How could I possibly be with another girl knowing this? How could I go into a relationship while loving somebody else? I can’t, it isn’t fair to the girl that I would be dating.
On December 18th, I contacted her via email as I had deleted her phone number in an attempt to not contact her again. I told her how sorry I am, how much I care for her, and that I wanted to talk at least once more, but not like last time, that I wanted to do so at very least on the phone or, better yet, in person. She responded. She claims to be a different person now. In a few ways she is, she almost seems like a sad version of the former her, but perhaps that was just because she was talking with me… She is very busy. She is working so hard with school, supporting herself through it. I wish I could help her, but I doubt she would let me. I told her that, despite her not liking me, I would like the chance to try to make her like me and to get to know the new her.
She told me that she would think about meeting with me, but she was busy until the 28th, so it would have to be past then. I feel like there is a 60/40 chance, in my favor, of us meeting. It will be weird because we have never talked in person, but I cannot fail. This means so much to me. I cannot describe it.
Let me just say this before you respond. I know how absurd it sounds to fall in love with somebody at first sight. To know nothing about them at all and just be in love with them. I know how easy it is to think I am simply not in my right state of mind, unable to let go of her (such as out of fear of not meeting somebody else), or some other predicament. This is not the case. I get plenty of looks from girls as “generally” attractive as she is (I say “generally” because she is the more beautiful girl in my eyes, but I can see her not being so for others). Please, just take my word on it, and believe me when I say that I fell in love with her at first sight and would do anything for her.
With that last paragraph in mind I am begging you, all of you, please give me any advice whatsoever. This means more than life itself to me. I wouldn’t kill myself over this as I believe the point of life is living and suicide is, exactly as they say, “the easy way out”, but I would certainly have a death wish.
Also, keep in mind that no lines of how much I care for her will do the trick. Her mind is more or less set. My only hope is that she can hear how I feel in my voice and the way I look at her. I know that I will regret not meeting her more than anything; this is why I will not fail. At very least, I must get her to continue to see me… Then I can at least work from there…
(If you don’t care to respond to this, I would also like to hear if anybody else has fallen in love at first sight)
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