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How do I get my life back in order when all I think about is ending it?
I am 31.
+ I hate my job in every aspect and the thought of it causes me extreme anxiety and stress. I hate everything about my job: the nature of the work, my co workers, management etc. I am only staying for the money and money alone, nothing else. My job is in another town and i work remotely and i am terrified to the point of wanting to slahs my wrists at the thought of actually having to go back at some point
+ I have no friends. Most of the people I knew from college have moved on with their lives in different cities or they are not interested in me as a friend. A lot of them behaved shabily towards me and ignored me when I was going through one of the worst things in my life, like terminal illness of a family member and some even flat out told me they didnt want anything to do with me and that I should go see a therapist.
+ because i have no friends or support system, I feel abandoned, cut off and lonely. I tried reaching out to people, not even as much to talk about my problems, but just to hang out and have a coffee or travel together for a couple of days etc., but they have all just blown me off in one way or another. I really tried to re-connect with people, I even went so far as to humiliate myself by apologizing ot THEM for having avbandonedME at athe worse time in my life, just so i have someone to talk to, but no dice. They’ve all blown me off in one way or another - either directly or by making excuses. I have never felt so mistreated by anyone as i have with my “friends”. Bottom line: I have no friends
+I dont own a car becasue i am terrified not being able to make payments if something happens so i am stuck at home and a bus makes a 10 minute car drive into a 4hour/half a day event. I dont have cash to buy a used car and if i did have a wad of cash laying around, i would not be spending it on a car but save to have a safety cushion.
+I am really interested in a career in a creative field - writing, fashion design, movie making - but my education ( I Have aprofessional degree) is 180 degrees from creative. It is a boring degree in a field that only makes employment for either non profits possible. But my heart is with the creative arts and i do live in LA, but i just dont know how to get there. What do i tell someone in the movie industry if i were to ever get an interview about why i dont want to do what i have studied for and instead want to work for them? I just dont know how to approach that.
+ I never have money to travel or buy a car or nice clothes. When i do one thing, I cannot do the other things. It is either traveling (and i havent had a vacation is 6 years) or getting a car (if i qualify for a decent rate) or buying nice clothes. I am tired of living like that.
+ my life currently consists of being paranoid about losing my job, being terrified and disgusted with my work and anything realted to it, paying bills, eating, watching stupid tv shows, being online and then sleeping just so i can wake pu and do the same thing again.
+ i dont live life, i put up with it, one day at time. I am going through the motions but there is no ambition, no drive, no joy behind it. I do what i need to do to get by - and even that is becoming increasingly more difficult - and at some point I think I just wanna be one of thsoe bums sleeping on the street, no longer part of society. I just dont want to deal w/ any of life’s ups and downs anymore.
I feel stuck and confied. Everyone i reached out to friends wise has stopped associating with me because i confronted the issue and told them how disappointed i was in them behving the way they did. I cannot imagine a friend going through turmoil and me saying “that is your problem, I cant help you and dont ever talk ot me again.”
+ I have no family (all dead) and no one. I am on my own. No man, no friends, no family. Nothing.
I feel very scared, very very scared and i dont know what to do anymore. I am even scared to go meet new people because i have been isolated so long, i dont know what to tell them or what to talk about. I wish I had the guts to take out a car loan so i would have mobility but even that will be hard and scares me.
I am just a scared person who is dreading life from the moment i open my eyes until I close them. I am scared all the time like what if this happens or that happens… I didnt use to be like that. I got myself out of a lot of stuff but i have lost my drive, my ambition, my will to live….why cant i just find someone woh really likes me and maybe even loves me? I want children and a family, i am a nice person, I am funny and intelligent and care a lot deal about the people in my life (when i have them), but everyone just hates me or ignores me.
My job is a HUGE source of anxiety for me. HUUUUUUUGE. I tried to like it, but i dont and it is not the direction i wanna go.
What do i do please help me? I cannot take it anymore. I am worried about myself, like I am going to loose it soon and need to be institutionalized or something (not that i could afford that even - i would probably en d op like said bum on the streets insane).
Since writing this post Anonymous may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days.
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