feelings help: I feel deeply depressed and full of regret - I have a friend - Help.com

Aww, honey, don’t beat yourself up so much!

We all have regrets, things we wished done another way, things we wish never happened. Sometimes things just aren’t meant to be, and there’s nothing we can do about that. Call it God’s will, or a combination of circumstances or fate, but sometimes, things fail despite our best intentions.

But if there’s one thing I’ve learnt in life, it is that there is no one perfect person for anyone. There are literally hundreds of perfect people out there for you, only waiting for you to find them. You have to move on, to broader horizons, to other things. It can be hard to find the strength to do that but if you look inside yourself, you’ll find it.

Remember what Zadie Smith said:

“The past is always tense, the future perfect”

Also, if you think you are clinically depressed, you really should see a therapist who can help you find coping mechanisms. You don’t have to suffer in silence.

We are our own worst critics. Unfortunately, there’s no way for you to have known then what you know now. I don’t think it’s fair to assume that things would’ve developed differently had you revealed your feelings to her sooner. One must also consider the possibility of receiving the same results in the event you had told her your feelings initially, thereby potentially leaving you in the same state of regret now, but only wishing you had waited longer or for a more opportune moment. While it might be true that her response would’ve been different if you had made a move on her sooner, there’s virtually no way to be certain of it. I think you should at least take some bit of solace in the fact that you eventually overcame the apprehension which inhibited you from telling her how you truly feel. For some individuals, their apprehension becomes too much to overcome and as a result they never find the courage act and become deeply regretful because of it. The regret of never doing something is worse than the regret of doing something. Sadly, some things are just not meant to be, no matter how much we think we could have changed their outcome.

thanks all so much for your words of advice.

I know I should move on, it’s just so hard for me. As with anyone who’s besotted with someone else, you always find that every other girl would be second best. I’m not having great joy with finding another girl, and I almost seem to be at the stage where everyone I know are either getting married or having kids.

I’m sad that I might never see her again, but I think it’s for the best. Otherwise, I’ll just long for her which I know is not appropriate.

I don’t know whether I should see a therapist, as I know this whole saga might just seem like a typical case of rejection. I’m perhaps more sad than anything, sad when I reflect on what’s happened between us and sad knowing she’ll never be with me. I hope my sadness will go away, I want to stop thinking about her ideally as it’s eating me up inside. In some ways, this is my way of venting my sadness, I haven’t told any of my friends as I’m not the type to open up emotionally - so thank you for helping me with your kind words.

I have a friend who is in sort of a similar situation. This particular girl with whom he attended college and became friends eventually turned into someone with whom he became smitten. From what I gather and from the way he has spoken about this girl, it’s almost as if he puts her on a pedestal. He has, on several occasions, described her as being perfect in every respect and it became clear to me that this was his ideal version of a girl and whom he desired as a girlfriend. Unfortunately, once he finally expressed his feelings for her - no longer in subtle ways as he had done a few times previously - in an open manner, the response he received, from my understanding, was not the response for which he had hoped. Strangely enough, his determination to court this girl, in spite of her not feeling the same towards him as he towards her, has not seemed to become any less weaker as far as I can tell. I think he still to this day nourishes a hope that she will somehow fall for him in the future. But the truth of the matter is that is highly unlikely, and even it there was the slightest chance of it happening, it would be better to move on and understand that others are out there who are just as wonderful and waiting to be found if one was only so inclined.

I truly believe your sadness will dissipate over time. But in order for that to happen, I think it’s best for you to reconcile yourself to the idea that it’s not your destiny to become romantically involved with this girl. What is meant to be, will be. What is not meant to be, will never find a way.

I will also add that you seem like quite a deep thinker, and I believe that such a quality will serve to benefit you by giving you the necessary strength and power to facilitate the return to a healthier mental and emotional state.

I wish you all the best.