He tells me that he loves me…
more than anyone he’s ever loved but does not let it publically be known that we are together. His friends know who I am and a few know that he is in a relationship but the ones I don’t know have no clue…he allows them to assume that he’s single and not in a relationship. Am I stupid for holding on to someone who will not acknowledge me as his girlfriend?
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Tell him how this makes you feel. If you are annoyed/worried then explain to him why you want people to know.
Thank you Irish Lad. I just don’t know how to start. I’ve tried to explain to him that it makes me feel like he’s leaving that door open in case something better comes a long. He says they know about me (though overhearing a conversation he had with one of them, he totally represented me as some chic he was hanging out with). Talking about it outloud helps me realize that he wants his cake and eat it too and I’m totally giving it to him.
So when you talk about it, does he explain why he doesn’t properly acknowledge you as his gf?
If he isn’t putting his words into action, he’s probably just telling you what you want to hear.
The only way to know for sure is to stop giving him any benefits. Will he still stick around and love you more than anyone? I’m sorry to say this but if a guy hides his relationship (or downplays it!) there is something seriously wrong.
Please remember that he can’t continue doing this without your permission. :) Maybe you need to be more open when you see him with his friends. Jump in there and introduce yourself as his girlfriend (with a big smile!). :)
ilivelife, When I ask him he says that he has acknowledged me to them. I guess I should give him the benefit of the doubt.
Well if he says he has acknowledged you, but you feel he hasn’t, then you need to take action. As Kitten says, just act however you want to act with him - kiss him, hug him, whatever. People will certainly catch on, if they haven’t already, that you are an item.
If he doesn’t like it, I guess it means he does have agenda for keeping thinks quiet.
Kitten_Ciao…You’re very right. The downplay is what gets me. We live very far from one another and only see eachother every couple of months. I don’t get much of a chance to associate with his friends and he with mine but when we are together, his friends (the ones that I have had the chance to meet) embrace me.
You guys are great and it’s lovely to get others point of view. Thank you!
Now, EskimoKiss, tell us why you would want such a “non-committer” when there are guys dying to have a nice girlfriend . . . guys who would proclaim your name from the rooftops!
You can do SO MUCH better than this!
Chev.jame….I have asked myself that question many many times! We’ve known eachother a life time (a couple of decades plus a few years). He was the sweet boy I loved as a young girl but time has changed him, changed us both. We’re both good people but very different. Free spirit vs. predictable and stable.
I do want that proclamation from the roof tops though.
The “sweet boy” didn’t grow into a real man. If a guy won’t acknowledge you, then he’s not worth your time!
You will feel bad if you hang onto a guy who won’t acknowledge you to his friends.
I remember what Jesus said . . . “Whoever denies me, I will deny before my Father in heaven!”
I actually think you should give him some time,
you don’t need him to acknowledge you to your own benefit - it is his loss he is not acknowledging you to his society or friends. not yours.
Just give him more time - have some respect to your own self - you don’t need to press anyone to acknowledge you.
When he sees that you don’t care about it - very soon he will change his mind…
And, the grand final:
At that point in the future - you should tell him you don’t want him to tell anyone you are in a relationship with him since you have not decided yet if an idiot such as him should be in relationship with you :)
then you can throw him away like an old tooth brush. or if you like him you can keep him - he might serve as a good pet.
either way - control will be in your hands.
Wow perceptor! Thank you for that! Very good advice that I will definitely heed:)
How much more time should she give to a grown man? She knows him from boyhood. Maybe when he is an old man with a cane he will acknowledge her? I would not spend anymore time with this dude hoping and guessing. You can still be friends if that is possible but don’t close your doors for other possibilities. Obviously he is not serious about you, no matter what he says to you in private. Talk is cheap, action speaks volumes. Which one does he fit in?
beatrice, we dated in highschool and then lost eachother for 20 years. He has serious abandonment issues that make him distance himself when we are apart. I am by no means making excuses for him. He’s grown and knows what he’s doing. It’s my call and I will choose when I’ve had enough. Seems the time is coming sooner than later. I don’t know if we could be just “friends”
EskimoKiss you would be better off without him. You deserve a man who would be proud to walk with you hand in hand in public and acknowledge you to the whole world and not keep it secret. He needs to get help with his problems. There is no better feeling than when a man you love proudly acknowledge you in a spoken and unspoken way (gestures, body contact) in public. We all need validation and he is depriving you of that.
beatricegalant, you are so right. I should never be left to feel like I’m not a priority in his life. Validation is the only way. Spoken and unspoken. Thank you.
Yes, EskimoKiss, when you have a guy or man like that, you would feel full and happy. Good luck, you deserve it.
Honestly… I’d never call you stupid for trying to hold onto someone you love. I had a similar situation like this with who is now my ex girlfriend. She did the same thing, she wouldnt allow others to think we were together, and the first negative thing that happened she dumped me like a sack of potatoes. So to help you out, if you feel uncomfortable with how he is presenting the relationship, something you obviously hold dear to yourself, than i would end it before you get hurt like i did.
I appreciate this post actually. It showed me how my situation wasnt the only of its kind, how i acknowledged her so well In public but when i tried to grab her hand, she would litterally look around to see if anyone was watching. Hmm, i see it now.
dustinwolf5, Im sorry she broke your heart but I see she didnt break your spirit. I have seen a few others go through what we did. Its never fun to finally realize that you were treated as a convienience to another. He and I still speak. We have our past that still bonds us as friends but I can never love him as unconditionally as I once did and sad for him that he ruined his opportunity to have me. The cheesey old saying, you don’t know what you had until its gone applies here. Im not “gone” but Im not “here” either. His loss.
She lost out too.
You are so right darling. Wow the similarities we all share :) it is sad, but they will both learn what they lost soon enough, i am a firm believer in karma. Im sure you will be happier elsewhere, you deserve so much better
Eskimokiss, can you help me with my post? I want her back, i just do, it ended so badly. I still love her, and no my spirit is not gone. What should i do? Should i wait to see what happens and not close the door on her?
Hi Dustinwolf, of course I will try to help. After reading your post, I have a better understanding your situation. I was in your situation with the same person my post was about but our events happened 20 years ago. We broke up in highschool because I was unsure then that we were “a couple” so I walked away. Here we are 20 years later and playing the same hurtful game of uncertainty.. Short answer to your question is that if she doesn’t want to commit, you are more than likely pushing her further away.. Trust me, after 20 years, you may still have feelings for her though more sentimental than actual love, but she will never forget you and how hard you tried and she will have regrets. My guy certainly did. You are going into the Marines and that family (I do not use that word lightly) will teach you more about commitment, trust and loyalty and you will realize that your feelings for her aren’t enought to sustain a “team” as couples should be. She has to return the sentiment. You may find when you do more growing (and I’m certain you will) she will not even measure up to what another girl can give you. I know this doesn’t stop the hurt now but it is what I have found is the result. Love yourself more than her and you will be happy.
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