question help: What do you tell little children about death if they are asking about why someone is missing?

Agent Smith

What do you tell little children about death if they are asking about why someone is missing?

My 3 or 4 y.o. 1st cousin once removed asked me where my mother was today (mum recently passed away from cancer, but previously has been around when my cousins have been). I kind of dodged the question and have let my cousin know about her daughter’s curiosity in this respect over Facebook after I got home. I meant to do it there, but got side tracked with something.

Anyway now I’m wondering is there a right way to go about telling a little kid about death and cancer and all of the crappiest parts of life?

This open post was written 1 year, 5 months ago | V/U/S: 826, 13, 4 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

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Since writing this post Agent Smith may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. Agent Smith is a verified member, has been around for 2 years, 3 months and has 20 posts and 477 replies to their name.

Post Tags (12)

wondering, curiosity, question, Facebook, respect, missing, mother, Cancer, Cousin, death, informing children, death and children (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

Replies (13)

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A-Cortex 7 #
An Undisclosed Location | 1 year, 5 months ago (3 minutes after post)

I would just sit down with her and explain that as you get older, sometimes people get very sick that medicine can’t fix. Your mom got sick, and unfortunaley passed away. Meaning, she has gone to heaven and is no longer on earth, but in a better place.

I would tell them that they are always with us, just in our hearts. Then I would watch the Lion King and describe simbas loss as much your own.

Help me with: Considering getting a second job, BUT.

Agent Smith 1 #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 5 months ago (6 minutes after post)

A-Cortex wrote:
I would just sit down with her and explain that as you get older, sometimes people get very sick that medicine can’t fix. Your mom got sick, and unfortunaley passed away. Meaning, she has gone to heaven and is no longer on earth, but in a better place.

I would tell them that they are always with us, just in our hearts. Then I would watch the Lion King and describe simbas loss as much your own.

Seems reasonable. Wouldn’t have thought of the lion king either.

Help me with: As some of you on here know I lost my mother to cancer in 2011.

livingfaith_77 1 #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 5 months ago (2 hours, 5 minutes after post)

great idea! you can get the lion king at www.made-downloads.com as well

Help me with: what do you think about the quotation pyramid in “well-i-am-a-young-girl-of-22″ ?

Genesis721 4 #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 5 months ago (2 hours, 7 minutes after post)

I myself would contact the parents and tell them about the question from their child. Give them a chance to explain what happened or at least be there with you when you do explain it. Some people have religious beliefs that are not necessarily in line with your thinking. So I would respect their wishes whatever they might be.

Agent Smith 1 #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 5 months ago (2 hours, 12 minutes after post)

Genesis721 wrote:
I myself would contact the parents and tell them about the question from their child. Give them a chance to explain what happened or at least be there with you when you do explain it. Some people have religious beliefs that are not necessarily in line with your thinking. So I would respect their wishes whatever they might be.

Thats why I let my cousin deal with her daughter’s question…? Like I said in the initial question…

I’m pretty sure they share the same beliefs as me in any case.

But the question was asked because I was curious as to how you’d go about it if it was your own child.

Help me with: As some of you on here know I lost my mother to cancer in 2011.

livingfaith_77 1 #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 5 months ago (2 hours, 13 minutes after post)

my firnds brother passed away yesterday at te age of 22

Help me with: what do you think about the quotation pyramid in “well-i-am-a-young-girl-of-22″ ?

Agent Smith 1 #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 5 months ago (2 hours, 14 minutes after post)

livingfaith_77 wrote:
my firnds brother passed away yesterday at te age of 22

I’m sorry to hear that. :( How’s your friend doing?

Help me with: As some of you on here know I lost my mother to cancer in 2011.

livingfaith_77 1 #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 5 months ago (2 hours, 16 minutes after post)

i dont know, my minutes are not o n phone, and just talked to her on FB.. i dont imagine too well, she has lost many family members in the last year. thank you for your concern

Help me with: what do you think about the quotation pyramid in “well-i-am-a-young-girl-of-22″ ?

Genesis721 4 #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 5 months ago (2 hours, 20 minutes after post)

I too am sorry Livingfaith_77 about your loss.

Good Girl 4 #
An Undisclosed Location | 1 year, 5 months ago (2 hours, 24 minutes after post)

DEAR;i would tell them that they are always around us

Help me with: How can I overcome the fear of driving?

livingfaith_77 1 #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 5 months ago (2 hours, 26 minutes after post)

thanks. im going off line until next day. :)

Help me with: what do you think about the quotation pyramid in “well-i-am-a-young-girl-of-22″ ?

mumstheword 36 #
An Undisclosed Location | 1 year, 5 months ago (17 hours, 45 minutes after post)

I’m sorry to hear that your mum finally passed away. But I’m kind of pleased you had time to share with her and all that..

My advice is to be direct and honest with young children. It’s a good idea to start with “know what, why don’t we go find (her mum/dad/guardian) and we can all talk about why X isn’t here”. Then any conversation about it can be guided by those that know her best. Believe it or not, most little kids cope very well if they think that we are being honest and that they can trust in us. It is insecurity which brings fear. Some children may well grieve if they knew the person well or felt a special bond, some may show little emotion.

Don’t be afraid to say things like “She died”. That might sound blunt to us adults and we often shy away and try to be tactful and gentle. However, children cannot process things in quite the same way as we do and often cope better with simplicity.

They often ask questions like “where did she go?” or “why did she die?” or even “are you going to die too?” This can be scary for us grown ups! But each question is simply the child’s way of making sense of the world. It’s a delicate balancing act - if we use words like “she went to sleep” will the child be afraid to sleep in case she dies? (a child’s logic is a curious thing!)

There are some helpful ideas on how to explain death to children here:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/emotional…
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/health_adv…

I know that you have many happy memories to treasure and hope that these will bring you all comfort when things are tough.

Much love.

Mums x

Agent Smith 1 #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 5 months ago (22 hours, 40 minutes after post)

Thanks Mums.

What you’ve said sounds like solid advice. I probably would have said something along those lines if I hadn’t been caught completely off guard by the question. I wasn’t even sure she’d notice mum wasn’t there as she’s only quite little and didn’t meet her that many times.

I hope you’re well.

Help me with: As some of you on here know I lost my mother to cancer in 2011.

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What do you tell little children about death if they are asking about why someone is missing?

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