It is his personality but that doesnt mean he can’t change. If his anger is bothering you then tell him you don’t want to be around him when he is angry. And surely you being there would calm him down?
Anonymous
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1 year, 4 months ago (5 minutes after post)
I would think so, but he has given me the impression that he doesn’t want to change. I’ve told him that it hurts me really bad when he gets angry and all he says is “it’s my personality” but then when I’m depressed he’s always expecting me to change and be happy for him because I make him feel worthless. . .
Give him a slap and tell him to wise the **** up. He is a douche if that’s how he treats you. You deserve better
A person who is content with their faults will keep them. You don’t have to stay, in fact you shouldn’t. Accepting his faults reinforces his acceptance of them.
Him stating it is his personality is just a lazy mans excuse, he doesn’t want to change and doesn’t want to accept he could change.
Anger is not a personality it is an emotion caused by situation or environment, it is not a genetic defect imprinted on a DNA molecule, it happens, it is created out of other things.
You should not accept it the way he has and it should not be an excuse to the way he behaves that is out of order, if he damages things, hurts people and causes upset you should either get out or help him get it through his brain that he needs help.
Anonymous
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1 year, 4 months ago (10 minutes after post)
The thing that keeps me with him is how much I love him and what we’ve been through and how everything is beyond perfect. . .when he’s not mad. He can be a complete gentleman and know how to make me happy and laugh and appreciate all that I do for the relationship, but the second he’s upset everything changes and he belittles me.
well its your choice to make. Everyone here has given you their opinion. But in the end its you who has to do something. You should not let him be like this to you. Even if it is only once in a while. Its not fair
Everybody gets angry from time to time. It’s how we deal with our anger that counts. If we take it out on other people, that’s bad. If we verbally or physically abuse other people, that’s really bad. If we go beyond merely hurting other people and maim or kill them, that’s super bad!
Being unable to control one’s anger is one of the biggest signs of immaturity. Toddlers throw tantrums; when we are older we are expected to express our anger in more genteel and civilized ways.
If your boyfriend doesn’t control his anger very well, or if he gets angry at things he shouldn’t, then it’s time to stop playing social worker/psychiatric nurse and drop him!
Anonymous wrote:
The thing that keeps me with him is how much I love him and what we’ve been through and how everything is beyond perfect. . .when he’s not mad. He can be a complete gentleman and know how to make me happy and laugh and appreciate all that I do for the relationship, but the second he’s upset everything changes and he belittles me.
You love him, that is neither here nor there.
What matters is the bigger picture.
Would you love him in 5-10 years when the person he is shouting at, hitting, belittling your child?
Fact is the sooner he gets and handle on this the better.
Just because someone gets angry easily does not mean everyone should ***** foot around them as though they are some kind of god.
What would happen if you got upset or you got angry like him, would he support you, would he try to make you feel better then or would he retaliate?
If his behaviour/personality or however you want to describe it is upsetting you, you can either just accept it or leave.
You can’t make people change if they don’t want to, and he doesn’t sound interested in doing anything about the way he acts.
Accept that there is a distinct possibility that he may always behave this way.
You need to decide if it is a dealbreaker for you or not, and therefore whether you stay and put up with it, or leave and move on.
Good luck!
Anonymous
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1 year, 4 months ago (22 minutes after post)
LazyMcCoolBeans wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
The thing that keeps me with him is how much I love him and what we’ve been through and how everything is beyond perfect. . .when he’s not mad. He can be a complete gentleman and know how to make me happy and laugh and appreciate all that I do for the relationship, but the second he’s upset everything changes and he belittles me.
You love him, that is neither here nor there.
What matters is the bigger picture.
Would you love him in 5-10 years when the person he is shouting at, hitting, belittling your child?
Fact is the sooner he gets and handle on this the better.
Just because someone gets angry easily does not mean everyone should ***** foot around them as though they are some kind of god.
What would happen if you got upset or you got angry like him, would he support you, would he try to make you feel better then or would he retaliate?
He would retaliate and ask me who do I think I am
This reply has been removed.
He can change. His anger is in no way in-built. I mean think about it., if someone he considers ‘bigger or more powerful’ than him (lets say Bill Gates) walked in while he was having one of his fits, he would miraculously find the ability to control his anger over ANY issue at hand. In fact he will find the sudden drive to turn into a sweet, polite and respectable person. This is nothing to do with personality. Its all learnt behaviour based on what people will and won’t allow him to get away with.
Anger is usually caused by fear of losing control; constantly wanting to re-affirm to himself he has power- but usually and only with people whom he subconsciously considers ‘weaker’ than him.
As someone said here, you can not change him but you can change yourself. If you don’t wish to end this relationship, I would seriously consider taking steps to raise your self-confidence and stand up to him. Unjustified and misplaced anger should never be tolerated, nor allowed to persist as it affects everyone involved.
So few people ever change their bad behavior that when they do, it is usually the subject of a book or movie. People just don’t change that much–if at all.
LazyMcCoolBeans is right . . . you may find it tolerable when he is kicking your a$$, but you won’t think it’s so great when he starts kicking your child’s a$$. And don’t think he won’t. Guys who abuse their wives also abuse their kids.
It’s not a good idea to set up housekeeping and make babies with an angry man. Everything will be your fault, and he will make sure you know it. He’ll make sure you know it by lighting into you.
The cemeteries are filled with young women who thought they could change an angry man.
Anonymous wrote:
LazyMcCoolBeans wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
The thing that keeps me with him is how much I love him and what we’ve been through and how everything is beyond perfect. . .when he’s not mad. He can be a complete gentleman and know how to make me happy and laugh and appreciate all that I do for the relationship, but the second he’s upset everything changes and he belittles me.
You love him, that is neither here nor there.
What matters is the bigger picture.
Would you love him in 5-10 years when the person he is shouting at, hitting, belittling your child?
Fact is the sooner he gets and handle on this the better.
Just because someone gets angry easily does not mean everyone should ***** foot around them as though they are some kind of god.
What would happen if you got upset or you got angry like him, would he support you, would he try to make you feel better then or would he retaliate?
He would retaliate and ask me who do I think I am
Do you know what that means?
He thinks he is better than you, better than anyone.
One rule for him and another rule for everyone else.
You know what to do, you knew what the answer was before you even posted this here, all you needed was for other people to tell you what you already knew.
Now. Be strong and do what is right for you.
Love is nothing if it is not shared.
Some people have anger issues, that’s true. But it’s no excuse for them to take their anger out on you. If he’s doing that, tell him how you feel. Nobody has the right to treat you badly, anger issues or not. Also try to make him get help for his anger issues, if he isn’t already. But let him know you’re on his side. He’ll only get madder if he thinks you’re aginst him. You can work through it.
This account has been deactivated.
Anonymous
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1 year, 4 months ago (10 hours, 7 minutes after post)
moonlightsupper wrote:
He can change. His anger is in no way in-built. I mean think about it., if someone he considers ‘bigger or more powerful’ than him (lets say Bill Gates) walked in while he was having one of his fits, he would miraculously find the ability to control his anger over ANY issue at hand. In fact he will find the sudden drive to turn into a sweet, polite and respectable person. This is nothing to do with personality. Its all learnt behaviour based on what people will and won’t allow him to get away with.
Anger is usually caused by fear of losing control; constantly wanting to re-affirm to himself he has power- but usually and only with people whom he subconsciously considers ‘weaker’ than him.
As someone said here, you can not change him but you can change yourself. If you don’t wish to end this relationship, I would seriously consider taking steps to raise your self-confidence and stand up to him. Unjustified and misplaced anger should never be tolerated, nor allowed to persist as it affects everyone involved.
I would really like to try this, but how do I stand u to him and stand up to him? I’m new to this =/
As said, there is no “anger personality” by nature. His anger has some special source. Mostly it’s the dissatisfaction of the person with themself, based on a low self-esteem.
You can support him.
“Helping Someone with Low Self Esteem”:
http://www.mynichearticle.com/self-es…
Standing up to him is important for your self-esteem and developing a happier relationship with him or anyone else in your future. You have to work on your self-confidence and make it clear that the way he treats you must change. You can not show any fear or worry that he will leave you. In fact if he detects that, he will use it to challenge you and ‘put you back in place’. I can also guarantee you, he will not be pleased when he starts to see you change towards him and he will resist, but don’t give up- keep at it and stay strong. He will eventually get the message that his anger is not the way to get the best out of you.
I seriously do not believe angry people should be written off especially if we have a strong bond with them. However, its up to us to make the changes that affect our interaction with them. My brother suffers from serious anger issues and used to be incredibly horrid to me. Once I learnt the techniques to improve self-confidence and applied them, he completely changed. This was primarily towards me. He is still verbally abusive and controlling towards my mom and sister, but not me. My mom and sister are too fearful of upsetting him so they simply accept him and tolerate his anger. With me he is now a completely different person, exercising self-control and showing respect. I often see he has to think twice before lashing out while I am around. I know it can work, and you can have a better relationship but only if you are willing to make the necessary changes.
There are lots of online articles on the subject of anger mangement and improving self-confidence. I will try and see if I can find some good ones and send you the links. Best wishes.
Regardless of the “reason” for someone’s angry behavior, if that person is “taking it out” on other people, then he/she is NOT ready for any kind of relationship. That person needs to fix him-/herself before engaging in any kind of relationship.
If a person is being abused by someone else, it doens’t matter why the abuse is occurring . . . abuse is abuse. If someone is dragging you out of the house and beating you up, then it really doesn’t matter why . . . because you’re getting beaten up and bruised regardless of the reason.
Young men who are angry tend to get angrier over time, and more abusive. It is beyond the power of ANY “girlfriend” to “cure” them.
Anonymous
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1 year, 4 months ago (2 days, 19 hours after post)
moonlightsupper wrote:
Standing up to him is important for your self-esteem and developing a happier relationship with him or anyone else in your future. You have to work on your self-confidence and make it clear that the way he treats you must change. You can not show any fear or worry that he will leave you. In fact if he detects that, he will use it to challenge you and ‘put you back in place’. I can also guarantee you, he will not be pleased when he starts to see you change towards him and he will resist, but don’t give up- keep at it and stay strong. He will eventually get the message that his anger is not the way to get the best out of you.
I seriously do not believe angry people should be written off especially if we have a strong bond with them. However, its up to us to make the changes that affect our interaction with them. My brother suffers from serious anger issues and used to be incredibly horrid to me. Once I learnt the techniques to improve self-confidence and applied them, he completely changed. This was primarily towards me. He is still verbally abusive and controlling towards my mom and sister, but not me. My mom and sister are too fearful of upsetting him so they simply accept him and tolerate his anger. With me he is now a completely different person, exercising self-control and showing respect. I often see he has to think twice before lashing out while I am around. I know it can work, and you can have a better relationship but only if you are willing to make the necessary changes.
There are lots of online articles on the subject of anger mangement and improving self-confidence. I will try and see if I can find some good ones and send you the links. Best wishes.
I have been reading the articles and thank you so much they have been helping. May I ask though, what techniques did you learn and apply to your brother? And did it anger him at first?
I’ll tell you in general how it worked for me.
I built up alot of self-confidence through reading and understanding myself and how I and others behaved in angry situations. That was really important.
I then decided I would not go along with everything my brother said. I decided he can not dictate things to do with my life anymore. With that in mind, I learned to say no to things I did not agree with. My NO was final. That means I didn’t enter into arguments or discussions about things I had already made a decision about. Of course there are times where we have to discuss / negotiate things and that was fine. However, once it affected my personal joy and peace of mind, I took control and made decisions for myself and it was up to him to accept that.
Yes, he was not a happy bunny initially. He thought how dare I not go along with what *HE* decided for my life. He thought if he got mad ( real mad) that I would break. It took him a while to realise I had already made up my mind and no amount of freaking out was going to change things. I was adamant.
The trick here is not to get sucked into arguments and discussions. This is because people can get manipulative about what they want you to do. You have to stand up for what you believe is right and what is good for you. You make that decision and you stand your ground. You don’t fight, argue or get upset and stick to that. You can not falter. If you do, he will never take you seriously and he would have ‘won’. Yes, its hard at the begining but once you make a small victory and you realise how good you feel about yourself you will find it easier the next time. Eventually he realises he either changes or loses you. You not only end up with re-newed self-respect but gain his respect too.
Winters ♠
Mariam*
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