I wonder what I should do now.
My parents see me as a disappointment, and I have lost so much time w/ school and work. Now I’m almost 23 years old and I’m an all-around failure. I wish I could have those years back, or at least be alone, but it’ll never happen.
I didn’t fully master concepts in school so I struggled a lot as classes got harder. Now I’m an adult and I don’t know anything. Sometimes I want to do something like start a business or study for a registration exam and I can’t because I know I’ll fail. I have no sense of self. No happy memories. Always trying to be someone I’m not so that someone would love me or at least care about me or at least notice when I was not around.
At work when I take day off I don’t even get one email in my inbox. That’s how worthless I am to the people here. Everytime I meet w/ my boss (temp position) he give me a new end date - they don’t have enough regard for me to just choose a date and stick to it.
I tried to make friends and it didn’t work. When I was a little girl I would change my personality to try to be more like other children. I got beaten at home for acting out and my teachers openly hated me. I never understood math and got punished for it. All my life I’ve only ever wanted to be naturally skilled at mathematics b/c it sets you apart in some way. The universe and governing principles make so much more sense. But I’m not and I always suffer for it. All my math teachers and engineering professors always treated me like a waste of space. Understanding things was so hard and I was so resented. In college I used to hate going to class or even leaving my room. People are always whispering about me. I hate coming to work every day to do tedious tasks and get judged by everyone. I hate coming here but I don’t have enough skills for a real, full time job. My friends have slowly lost contact w/me, even though I tried my best after graduation. I don’t know why I always slip through the cracks and no one cares.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to regain all the time that I’ve lost or how to get smarter, or how to get my family to love me even though I turned out so wrong.
I don’t know who to talk to or where to turn. It is 1 AM in the middle of the night and none of the people who hurt me so deeply are up tonight. They are all asleep and I’m nothing to them. I don’t know who I am. I don’t even know if I am capable of leading the life that I wanted to lead. I wonder if I should kill myself bcause I know that I can’t make up for my mistakes or change enough to be loved. I can’t go the mental health route b/c they will try to pump me with pills and ignore me. No one listens to me or to my ideas and it’s impossible for me to get my point across. I’m just not used to it, I guess. I don’t know. I know no one in the mental health system is trustworthy or listens. I know that people will try to write me off before giving me enough time to speak, and I don’t want to pay professionals for what other people get for free. I want a mentor but I know that I’m not good enough for one. I wonder if I will ever do anything of value or leave anything behind. Obviously I’m too unhinged (not to mention unattractive) to start a family and grow love / lead life alongside someone else. I don’t know what to do b/c every avenue of life is blocked for me. I think about suicide on and off all the time, but I’m scared. But I can’t remember being happy and I don’t know what a happy person feels like. Everything is over for me.
Since writing this post themonocledpengui may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. themonocledpengui is a verified member, has been around for 1 year, 5 months and has 22 posts and 51 replies to their name.
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