My grandmother has cancer and is dying and she is very ill with prob only a day to live.
I thought she would live to her 90’s as her 4 brothers did. I feel so much guilt for not putting in the effort to see her, i hadnt in over 2 and a half years. I did talk to her on the phoneat times.
I did come to see her in hospital the last 3 days and told her I loved her. the first day i saw her she said “thanks for coming” to me. now she can barely talk.
even though ive seen her these last few days I stil feel the guilt, she is 85 i seriously thought shewud have longer. I feel so awful for not putting in the effort and its really bugging me. :(
Since writing this post Silverse may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. Silverse is a verified member, has been around for 3 years, 2 months and has 35 posts and 477 replies to their name.
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Hi, I’m sorry.
And, I understand the regret, but you cannot change the past. I hope I can say this right: If I’m feeling a lot of regret or shame or guilt about the past, one positive thing that means is that I’m in a better state of awareness in the present. Now I finally realize what is important to me and what I should do. It’s too bad that I wasn’t so aware in the past, but it’s good that I’ve become who I am know, and all I can do now is take care of what I can at right now. So it’s really somewhat good to be able to feel regret, because one thing that means is that you are actually more aware of what you can and should do than you were in the past.
If that doesn’t make any sense then I just send this reply as attention to try to help you feel supported and like we are trying to help and care for you.
Really sorry to hear about your Grandmother. When someone dies or may (as in her case) seem to be nearing death, it often brings unwarranted, unwelcome guilt on those who love them. Though I don’t know you, I suspect this is the case. I can tell you love her very much. We can always think of things we could have done. Let me encourage you to go to your grandmother if possible and speak words of love to her if she’s still living. She may be able to understand more than you realize. Also, maybe you can try to focus on other people in your life who you can still be a blessing to.
Let me encourage you to turn to the Lord for strength and help.”God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” Psalms 46.1
I only get back to my home area approx every 2 yrs. My grandad had asked me to stop by sometime when I was back there a few years ago. I didn’t get it done but expected to visit him next time I was there. A week before I left to travel home again I got the call that he passed away in his sleep.
I deeply regretted that I hadn’t visited him the time before. I guess I don’t have an answer for you, Silverse, but my advice to ot5hers is take the oportunities you have. They pass too quickly.
I’m so sorry to hear your sad news on your grandmother. It must be a difficult time for you all, not least her. Firstly, regardless of how much time she may or may not have or her physical condition, she is here on earth, right now. Carry on loving her. Drop everything - phone in sick to work and sit with her. Keep telling her you love her. Tell her you are sorry that you had allowed things in your life to take you over and that you had lost focus on how important she is to you. Believe me, whether she says it or not, she forgives you. Tell her how precious she is to you and keep telling her. Even if she can’t open her eyes or speak it will go into her very being and give her comfort and joy. Do what you can now. Don’t think about tomorrow or yesterday.
Love is so powerful. Don’t just shower her in it, drench her.
Secondly, lets deal with your guilt. Be honest with yourself, if she was in her nineties would you be making lots of effort to see her? I suspect not. And do you know why? Its not because you are a bad person or a selfish person its because you are living your life. There is nothing wrong with that. OK, maybe you could have picked up the phone more, maybe you could have popped round more, maybe you could have won the lottery. Life is full of maybes and what ifs. You probably feel guilty because you love her and you didn’t know/realise that the time you had was limited. I can tell you know that there isn’t a person in the world who has lost someone they love who doesn’t regret something, whether that be the time they didn’t spend together, harsh words that were said, ignoring symptoms and so on and so forth.
Do what you can now. Its simple. You have 2+years of love and time to give to a beautiful woman who loves you. Do it. Acknowledge that you possibly made a mistake and then forgive yourself. Everyone learns from lessons in life and unfortunately we learn the most when the lessons are the hardest. Once you forgive yourself you will find peace. Focus on your grandma. Make the time you have special as you want your memories not to be of time you didn’t spend together but of time when you showed her love. She needs you now more than has over the last 2+ years. This is your time to step up and be a tower of strength and encouragement. The past has gone, its the present that counts.
You have a good heart. Forgive yourself. Spend time with your grandma and count yourself blessed that you have time to wrap your arms around her, draw her close and tell her she is the best. That is what is priceless and that is what you both need.
I sincerely wish you both peace of mind and body and strength. God bless you in Jesus name xxxx
I think everyone has these feelings when someone dies. I know I really wish I had spent more time with my mom before she died. My grandparents too. At least she knows that you were thinking about her when she went into the hospital. Get her some flowers to enjoy and do what you can these last few days. Maybe she will recover.
Hi, as others here, I am so sad to hear of your grandmother’s position. You must not beat yourself up, time passesss so quickly and her illness was unexpected. She will really, really appreciate that you went to see her- you’d be suprised how many people are either so scared of death or so wrapped up in their own world that they would not even do what you have done. I am certain your grandma will hold no ill will towards and would want you to get on with your life. But loosing a grandparent is often young people’s first experience of death. If you have regrets learn from them, but the best thing you can do for your grandmother is cherish those moments you had with her. You will need to be strong to support your parents at this time. My genuine sympathies and best wishes,
hey thankyou for your comments i read them and foun them comforting. i did right a long reply to this post but it all got lost as my laptop lost internet connection.
yeah its easy to live with regret but im moving on but had ups and downs.
Always glad to hear from you. :)
Sorry to hear about your Grandmother, I am about to loose my Grandfather who is 91 years old. It’s strange how fast he has lost all will to continue, I wish I could do something to pick him up (make him feel better), but he has lost all interest in doing anything. But I suppose he has had a good innings, and has made his mark upon the world by having 8 children, and they’re children’s children’s.
its so easy to think they’ll be around a lot longer, and then things change
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