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Lost in my own head?
How to start this out, ..Male,22,Agoraphobic,Severe Social Anxiety Disorder,Generalized Anxiety Disorder,Depression,ADHD,HPPD(from severe hallucinogenic abuse)Recovering alcoholic and addict,in particular opiates,more specific 3gram a day intraveinous heroin habbit.
Been without booze for about a year,not a problem, without dope for about 2 months, not a problem. You start to remember things when you sober up,for me it’s been the names of some guitar chords, vocal warm ups and the fact that I am a miserable person.
I’m always a bundle of nerves,I’ve been losing about 3 pounds a day, and sleep. I’m back to living at my parents, can’t quite make it out in the ‘real world’ without drugs.
I seem to be held up to this standard, all the highlights of my life, when I was doing EXTREMELY well, all of those points in my life were either under the influence of my prescribed adderall for adhd, or heroin, which gives me the energy,confidence and patience to do physical labor.
Everyone in the household has been an opiate addict at some point, and the majority of my family has anxiety problems. 5 Members have been agoraphobic, and overcome it for the most part, everyone seems to get everything but where I seem to be at the moment.
Keeping clean is easy, living in this world, is not, I’m 22, from birth to age 3 I was kept on low dose barbituates, from 3 to 10 I was so wild with adhd my parents had me put on adderall, to make this short, I’ve spent the majority of my life on controlled substances. Still am..Xanax for anxiety, but I’d still consider myself clean.
I was the first to do it in this household, and now everyone else is following suite. Getting opiates out of their lives, I have more clean time in than anyone, and everyone’s just a bundle of joy, getting up and getting on, moving on with life.
I seem to be stuck, almost room bound. The few ‘friends’ I do have, it isn’t uncommon for them not to hear from me for months or up to a year on end. Playing the guitar is about the only thing I can really get ‘lost’ in and forget about my problems for a little bit, I can’t even play in front of anyone, without a severe case of butterfingers and horrible shaking.
My parents are both in bad shape as far as health is concerned. They run a business, I’m expected to work there since I live here. The work’s fairly trainsient, and it’s physical labor.
I’m just so, I get so lost in my own head, watching films,shows, listening to songs on repeat, as if I hadnt listened to them properly the first time. I think about suicide on a daily basis, but don’t really consider it, the one SSRI out of the billion I’ve tried that hasn’t made me violently ill, makes me so hyperactive, no one wants to be around me, but I feel kind of happy.
There are so many issues that need to be addressed, I have no money, my parent’s dont, no family members do, no health insurance, it’s a struggle every month to come up with 25 dollars for my xanax.
I’ve had a meeting with the state’s BVR(Buearu Vocational Rehabilitation),to find me some kind of gainful employment or assistance, after they found one single OVI on my record, I was immediately tossed to the bottom of the priority list.
I’m so, depressed, lethargic, without motivation to do ANYTHING that I can’t complete the work I have to do to live at my parents, and they think I just don’t care and am being arrogant. I have such a hard time concentrating on anything, and completing tasks, I’d take adderall again but it enduces appauling anxiety in me now.
After a particularly bad day on the job recently, I’ve been given two weeks to leave the house, back out in the woods, it’s 20degrees out, trying to keep a fire going and shivering all night.
It’s taken a lot of effort just to type this up, and I apologize for it being so vauge and grammar errors in addition to horrible syntax.
I just don’t know what to do.
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