marriage help: An upcoming weekend is haunting me. - Help.com

Tell your fiance you’re not going and that if he has any respect for you he will acknowledge how you feel and allow you not to go - you can have a second, smaller celebration with her at a later date.

You can’t control the actions of others so don’t go with any intention of doing so. Go and have a good time. If anybody else acts up or has a problem with it, that is their monkey to deal with, not yours.

Why is ex-husband going to be there in the first place? You surely didn’t invite him….

You don’t have to gamble in order to have a good time. You won’t be able to avoid them either as they seem to be everywhere including the bathrooms. You can still have a wonderful time though. It all depends on your attitude. If you go thinking crap is going to hit the ceiling fans it probably will.

see that makes sense to me, you can’t control what anyone else does nor can they control you(unless you let them but that’s another story). if you don’t want to go then don’t, as suggested celebrate w/ her either before of after. if he looses ‘his’ $ that’s on him and unless you guys already have a shared bank account there’s nothing you should be worried about. and if you do take your share out and there.

Take a deep breath and relax. You’re over stressing yourself. You’re going to have to meet his ex wife at some point if they share a daughter and honestly it could give you some better insight as to who he is as a person. Try to take on a positive view. The fact that she’s his ex wife doesn’t necessarily mean that none of you are going to get along. You don’t need xanax to have a good time on this trip. Do an online search for events that are happening in the area and go enjoy yourself with your fiance! You’ll be having a good time as well as keeping him away from gambling. That’s far better than not going and sitting at home worrying about whether or not he’s spending ridiculous amounts of money. Try to realize that it would be a major accomplishment for your fiance to make it through this trip without gambling even though there is so much temptation around him. Best of luck to you!

Well I think your fiance should be more understanding. But I guess if you go just remind yourself you are ok , smile, make small talk, if the worse comes to the worse say you are tired and leave early. Its a socially awkward event, but you’ve done nothing wrong and aren’t in the wrong. Also your fiance isn’t an addict so your fears would be unfounded (you should have your own bank account Btw)

Whilst you shouldn’t have to do what you don’t want, there are benefits to going:

1- You will be sharing your fiance’s daughter happy day, which I think is important in the long-run

2- You will be sending out a message that you are standing by your fiance and not really bothered by anyone

3- This is an opportunity to confront your fears of something you are likely to face again in the future

You will be OK, and very pleased you went once its over. Don’t let fear stop you, enjoy it.

It sounds like he wants you to go to keep him company. Besides his daughter, it doesn’t sound like anyone else would be delighted to see him. You should try to be sensitive to his needs too. He needs to recognize your aversion to gambling, but you need to recognize his need to be there for his daughter in spite of the other party guests not wanting to see or talk to him. Maybe you and he can plan to have fun in some other way at the casino? Are there shows? Dancing? Anything else?

Thank you all for your advice. I wanted to clear up that my fiance is not a gambler at all. This was his daughters wish to go have a beer and gamble since she is legal 21.

I worry I cant handle all of these things happening at once. I think I could confront my fears if I was able to handle one at a time. And there is more than one fear here.

His ex-wife - She is very jealous of me since she broke up with her boyfriend a few months ago. The younger daughter has mentioned somethings that her mom says and I suggested to my fiance that I not go so I wont upset her.

More ex’s coming now - When this birthday was originally planned it was going to be my fiance and I and his ex-wife and boyfriend going, noone else. Now his ex’s sister and her significant other, and parents are going. I am only going with my fiance. I feel like i’m a mouse in a snake pit.

What ifs - What if I am mistreated he will be in the middle and not want to leave because it is his daughters 21st birthday. I’ll be in a place that brings up has awful memories from my past, out of state, with people who doesnt like me, and worst case scenario he doesnt back me up and leave me stranded.
What if this goes bad and I resent him for expectiing me to go.

I know some of you are going to think i’m just plane crazy here. But I’m being honest to try to find a way to work through this before I have to go in twelve days.

You aren’t crazy, you make perfect sense. I still think you should go.

If you are mistreated, stand up for yourself right then and there. Say “that was a rude and inappropriate thing to say.” Most people will be embarrassed and straighten themselves up if they are called out. If that doesn’t work, explain the situation to your fiancee’s daughter. I’m sure she’s aware of the family tension. And excuse yourself early if you must. If your fiancee is a gentleman, he will be upset about leaving his daughter’s party, but will not want you to be mistreated and he will go with you.

You really need to talk about your fears with him before you go, and have a plan for if things become uncomfortable. It might be a good idea to make his daughter aware of your fears and plans too, just so her feelings aren’t hurt if you have to make an early exit.

I think there are too many exes congregating in one place. But if you go, I think you will be up for sainthood! ;-)