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i never had a bf.
and i am not getting any younger. in fact i could all be too late.
i am not drop dead gorgeous. but i am cute. fair skinned, a little heavy now for a 5′5″ tall. i don’t want to think i am ugly, cause i am not. in fact, i have seen people fatter or uglier than me happy and content with their personal love life.
when i was a child i lacked the confidence and self-esteem i need. most of my friends were girls, up until hs and college. i would hang out with girls because i feel that’s where i am comfortable with. we shared school notes, studies and everything, with a few crushes on the sideline. maybe wittingly or unwittingly i stayed away from boys. i just don’t know why, maybe i just don’t see the point. we’re like 15 in hs, and around 7 people in college. i am always with girl friends, a whole bunch and i was not lonely at all. i had a few crushes though. cute, handsome, tall, some fair-skinned, some simply tall, dark and handsome. i just made it a point to do good at school. to earn good grades and graduate on time. u see, i lost my father when i was 13. i grew up with irresponsible brothers. i only have my mother to count on. and i don’t want to be a burden to her while she is working hard to feed us and send us to school.
now i am thinking why i stayed away from the boys then. maybe that’s part of my not so confident youth. maybe i have no self-esteem at all to be with them. maybe i am not confident to handle myself with them. maybe i am afraid to be with them, thinking it might develop into something. i always have that malice in mind, since 5. or maybe like i have mentioned, i don’t see the point. most boys in hs and college were idiots, and i really hang out with the bright girls, thankfully.
and so i stayed away from all the boys and as i get older, from the men in my life. i have fulfilled some of my dreams. i have now a college degree. post-college degree. i have a professional license i have worked hard to earn and i am proud of it. so proud of it. i am now a lawyer. i already paid in full my car. in terms of career, i am getting there, although i still want to open other career opportunities. not perfect career but quite stable. although lately, maybe its the weather or the loneliness or the lack of significant other, but i am slowly losing sense and sensibilities. i have gained weight since hs. lost it 2 years ago, then back again to the heavier weight. and i don’t have the desire to look beautiful.
i must admit i have high standards. i am so judgmental in a very physical way. i don’t want fat. i don’t want black. i don’t want short, nor too high. i don’t want a man who could not talk, who could not laugh, who could not understand. i don’t want him jobless. i don’t want him to be nothing, cause i am not just like that. i am sorry if that sounded too harsh or cruel but i am laying my cards here. how often we heard of a girl marrying a boy for the sake of security or money? and i am not like that. i don’t want security. i want attraction. desire. flaming and burning attraction and desire. to wake up with somebody i would love for the rest of life. somebody i would be confident enough to share my life. somebody who would complement me.
what am i getting at? idk. i have missed one aspect of my life, trying to become who i am. which when i have become only to realize i am still missing something. honest-to-goodness opinion is very much needed and welcome.
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