Love help: I am recently married, been with this woman for 5 years, just bought our first house. - Help.com

why did you bother pushing through those last 2 years of marriage if you were just going to abandon your wife anyway?

the plan was not to abandon my wife, thats a great way to put it, thanks….. i said i have fallen in love with another woman, do not assume I have physically cheated on my wife. We have been working through issues for the past 2 years, but i don’t see it lasting, and to be honest, i don’t know if i want it to anymore. im tired of being the only one “trying”.

it’s the same thing to me. you cheated on your wife with your heart and mind. you should never have been thinking about the other woman as a possible partner. but you’ve been doing it in secret, and now you think you can’t be happy without her.

why do you say you’re the only one trying? does your wife not try for your marriage?

What does this other woman have that your wife doesn’t? Are you sure you’re not just doing this as a distraction from your regular life?

No, my wife is focused on her career, kids (i have 2 kids from a previous relationship), house etc….. i am an “after-thought”….. the other woman is everything my wife is, but does not treat me like a “chore”….. its nice to feel appreciated again, its nice to know that someone actually misses me when i am not around.

so you want to divorce your wife for this new woman?

i don’t know…. i know i am not happy anymore, and IF i leave my wife, i would not just run to the other woman. I’m not that kind of person.

Make some time to go on a date with her! Show HER appreciation and she’ll reciprocate. That other woman doesn’t have to deal with your kids and worry about half your bills. Think about HER instead of yourself.

didn’t you promise your wife when you married her that you would be devoted to her til death? didn’t you tell your wife you’d love her for better or worse?

That other woman doesn’t have to take care of your kids and pay half your bills. Do a grand gesture for your wife. It’ll make her feel special.

You have to understand….. thiese postings are my last resort….. i have tried everything from compliments to dates to being an amazing husband…. she doesn’t seem to care. and i was just “dealing” with it without knowing that way a mutual relationship should be….. the other woman has made me realize what it feels like to me wanted, appreciated and NOT an after-thought. SO, i “backed off”, cut off all communication with the other woman and totally focused at home…. nothing has changed and now i am at a loss….

did you ever feel that way about your wife?

i did say all those things in front of my family and friends, yes….. but at the time, i was in love with my wife….. i don’t know who she has become…. somewhere along the way, i didnt matter. She said she was supposed to be DEVOTED to me as well….. she is devoted to everything else BUT me.

Making you feel appreciated isn’t a good excuse because that always fades away. Talk to your wife about not feeling appreciated… don’t bring up the other woman unless you’re leaving her.

i have had all the conversations, she knows escatly how i feel, i am very “black and white”, i don’t have a grey area. i tell it like it is and i don’t hide what i am thinking or feeling…. and still nothing…. All of that being said, i came on here for some help, and all you have done is make me feel like the bad guy. thanks for all your help…..

a wild ozy appears wrote:
did you ever feel that way about your wife?

At one point in time yes, and i think she did too. but like i said, i have exhausted all options that i can think of.

Making you feel a certain way doesn’t make that other woman special because she can’t control your emotions. That isn’t a personality trait. The other woman isn’t special because of that. What is it that makes you feel like that? Is it something permanent, or is it because SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR SPAWN? She is a new woman… bigger better deal… that’s a cycle and you need to fix yourself.

Cell wrote:
Everywhere you go, there you are. If you can’t make a relationship last with a first wife it is unlikely you will be able to do so with another woman.

If we divorce….. this will be divorce #2….. what do you have to say to that now?

have you and your wife been to a marriage counselor?

mella5 wrote:
Making you feel a certain way doesn’t make that other woman special because she can’t control your emotions. That isn’t a personality trait. The other woman isn’t special because of that. What is it that makes you feel like that? Is it something permanent, or is it because SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR SPAWN? She is a new woman… bigger better deal… that’s a cycle and you need to fix yourself.

wow…… what about all that hippie crap about love thyself, the heart wants what it wants, all that ********? at what point do i stop doing what makes me happy? (never to the detriment of my children) but i am a firm believer if your not happy…. move on, find what will make you happy. as hard as it is, as hard as life gets, what is the point if you ar not happy?

a wild ozy appears wrote:
have you and your wife been to a marriage counselor?

She does not believe in a counselor. i have suggested it a dozen times and her answer is “what are they going to tell me that i can’t figure out on my own”?

surely if she takes care of your children and the home you share together, she must love you to some degree.

Cell wrote:

imames wrote:

Cell wrote:
Everywhere you go, there you are. If you can’t make a relationship last with a first wife it is unlikely you will be able to do so with another woman.

If we divorce….. this will be divorce #2….. what do you have to say to that now?

I’d say my point is proven. The problem is with you and how you are relating to your wife. Fix yourself and your behavior and then marital bliss may be within your reach.

here is my issue…. i will readily admit i have changed, everyone does, you either grow WITH someone, or you don’t. My wife has grown without me. and it has taken another woman to make me realize or “see”. and it is nothing she has verbally pointed out to me, it is what i have come to realize on my own.

how long did your marriage last with your first wife?

a wild ozy appears wrote:
surely if she takes care of your children and the home you share together, she must love you to some degree.

what do you mean takes care of my children? WE take care of our children, this is not the 1950’s. she is a better mother to them than thier alcohlic biological mother.(hence, previous divorce) Im sure she does love me, and i love her. But loving someone and being IN love with someone are 2 totally different things.

a wild ozy appears wrote:
how long did your marriage last with your first wife?

About 5 years

hae you ever been to a marriage counselor with your wife? is she as unhappy with your marriage as you are?

Cell wrote:

imames wrote:

Cell wrote:

imames wrote:

Cell wrote:
Everywhere you go, there you are. If you can’t make a relationship last with a first wife it is unlikely you will be able to do so with another woman.

If we divorce….. this will be divorce #2….. what do you have to say to that now?

I’d say my point is proven. The problem is with you and how you are relating to your wife. Fix yourself and your behavior and then marital bliss may be within your reach.

here is my issue…. i will readily admit i have changed, everyone does, you either grow WITH someone, or you don’t. My wife has grown without me. and it has taken another woman to make me realize or “see”. and it is nothing she has verbally pointed out to me, it is what i have come to realize on my own.

The other possibility is that your selfishness is causing your own unhappiness and you bring it with you, ruining each relationship you enter into.

and what selfishness is that? that i want to be happy with the person i am with and the life i am building? im sorry, but if i wanted to be unhappy forever, i would still be with the boozer.

a wild ozy appears wrote:
hae you ever been to a marriage counselor with your wife? is she as unhappy with your marriage as you are?

I dont think she is as unhappy…. i think she is blissfully ignorant. i don’t think she wants to see what is actually going, or she CAN’T se because she is too busy with her career and everything else. (BTW, you have been more helpful than anyone else, thank you)

you said you’ve had all the “talks” with her about you being unhappy and wanting something more out of the marriage, right? how did she respond to that?

No sir. You do not FALL in love with someone else. It is a conscious decision. You are an autonomous being in control of your own destiny. You are not a twig being carried by a torrent.

Love is a discipline. If either partner allows his or her mind to wander, to fantasize about other people, to imagine doing the “wild thing” with someone else . . . then, yes, your emotions can get away from you.

But you can rein them back in. And you must. When you said “I do,” it didn’t mean “until someone better comes along.”

If your marriage has flatlined, it’s not all your wife’s fault. You have a responsibility to help maintain your relationship. You have an obligation to your wife, to your children and to yourself to go into marriage counseling and solve the problems in your own marriage.

Right now you’re thinking some other woman will make you happy. Wrong. Other people cannot make you happy. Happiness must come from within.

And I will tell you this: if you dump your wife, you are going to regret it for the rest of your days. Every day that you swing your feet out of bed, you’re going to hate yourself for what you did. Your heart will never know a day of true peace.

Fix things with the wife who has stood beside you and has been a mother to your kids for the last five years. Then you’ll feel like a real man and you’ll know true happiness!

I have a feeling your wife is holding something against you that was not talked out when you had the rocky stage and no matter what you try to do, she sabotages every effort you make. I also have a feeling she has some personal issues she is taking out on you because something must have happened to her before she met you. Whether she is consciously doing it or unconsciously, what you told me about your wife point to one direction: she is punishing you for something. She is not happy and you are not happy. Tell her you are willing to go with her counseling to get to the bottom line of the problems she is holding against you but you cannot live like a hostage in a beautiful cage.

I made the same mistake you did. It was a mistake. You are following something fleeting. Luckily, my significant other gave me another chance and I couldn’t be happier and we are on the same page… we weren’t before.

Feeling appreciatiation is temporary. Love is forever.

mella5 wrote:
I made the same mistake you did. It was a mistake. You are following something fleeting. Luckily, my significant other gave me another chance and I couldn’t be happier and we are on the same page… we weren’t before.

mella5 wrote:
Feeling appreciatiation is temporary. Love is forever.

Here is some other advice that should also be heeded!

Alot of these people sound like the way you describe ur wife, (not listening, listen to my sermon)

The only thing you need to do is figure out what’s best for your future if you’ve been trying for years now then maybe you should come up with a plan to first financially stabilize yourself after leaving then to emotionally stabilize your life, then you can look into starting something new in the since of a relationship.

It all boils down to this: we meet someone whom we think is wittier, sexier, or richer than our spouse, and it’s so EASY to think of reasons to leave our spouse for this other person.

We get married. And then we meet people who are wittier, sexier or richer than our spouses. And our spouses meet people who are wittier, sexier or richer than WE are. Does that justify OUR jumping ship? We’d probably say that it doesn’t justify our SPOUSES jumping ship, right?

Again–love is a discipline. What do you do when you meet that person who is wittier, sexier or richer than your spouse? Do you fantasize about liaisons with that person? Do you find–or even invent–reasons why your present relationship has to be less than satisfactory

We need to realize that just because someone is wittier, sexier or richer than our present spouse doesn’t mean that person is BETTER than our present spouse. And it doesn’t mean that if our spouse found someone wittier, sexier or richer than we are, that that person would be BETTER than we are. No, the most important thing is the character and commitment of our spouse. When you have someone who sticks with you even though he or she could do “better” in terms of wit, or sexiness or financial security, then you have a good spouse!

There are tons of spouses out there who said “I do” and “until death do us part,” but who are actively looking to “upgrade” to a spouse who is wittier, sexier or richer (or all three) than their present spouse.

Is that you, Anon? Have you been looking to “trade up” for a while? Are you going to reward her faithfulness to you by unfaithfulness to her?

Yes, marriages sometimes hit rough patches. You can either bail or you can work through the problems. ALL marriages will have problems and issues to resolve. What makes a person a good husband or good wife is how he or she responds to problems in the relationship.

I do not fault you for divorcing the first wife who chose booze over her family. It’s really tough to deal with an alcoholic or drug addict. But you haven’t come up with any kind of “cause” for wanting to leave your second wife except “I want to be happy with the person I am with.” Fine. I’m sure your wife wants to be happy, too. But if your answer is to find another woman every time your present marriage has a problem, I’d have to question your ability to make a real commitment to any woman.

You could ditch your present wife and marry this other woman, but you’d have problems erupting in that relationship as well. And then you’d be right back to square one. What would be next? A fourth wife?

I think you need to go into marriage counseling and rediscover the reasons you married your wife, and to commit yourself to doing all you can to solve the problems in your marriage.

And remember–the happiness you seek comes from within, from doing what is right!

When you said you are “recently married” I thought you meant for a few months or so. So youve been with your Wife for 5 years & two have them have hit a rocky patch??
Why havnt you got out sooner?

What I have read shows youve done everything possible to regain that love back in your marriage.
I dont see you as the problem but your Wife on the other hand isnt even willing to try &sort this thing out.
This tells me your fighting a losing battle.

I know if I was in your shoes I wouldnt stay in a loveless marriage.
Not only are you hurting yourself but everyone else who is involved with also feel the devestating impact thats forced up on them.

One good parent is better than 2 bad ones.

Dont feel bad for having feelings for someone else.
Its only natural you would want to feel the warmth & seek comfort in somebody elses arms. Your obviously trying to regain some of the compassion thats clearly lacking in your life.

You say youve told your Wife all this?
How would she feel if you left the home &have you been down this road before?

My advice. Have that final heart to heart.
If your Wife doesnt agree to anything then call it a day.
Dont stay in a relationship/marriage out of convenience/obligation for the sake of others.

Take some time &give this some serious thought before you come to any decisions.

Remember marriage is &always will be about give &take.

Good luck, honey.x