school help: After making a post on Help.com I’ve told my teacher lover - Help.com

Well you probably scared the daylights out of him. In the world we live in now if he got canned because of you he’d likely never get a job again, and even more likely kill himself too.

IDK what your past post was but it doesn’t sound like he was forcing you, you make it sound like you did it all willingly. So why ruin his life?

Report the creep, i don’t care what he says or how he tries to manipulate you, tell someone, hell tell EVERYONE, the guys is a monster and needs to be exposed as one so society can destroy him.

Any relationship with a minor is always wrong, there is no way to justify it.

I’m glad someone like Dr. Jackson answered, because I feel the same way about reporting him. I’m not exactly a doll that had no say in the matter. I purposely made myself available to him and now I’m going to ruin him as if he gave me no say in the matter.

You can’t take any responsibility for this, you are the minor, you are not at fault, he should know better and be mature and have enough self control not to let himself get caught up in this in the first place.

Everybody in the last post says report, but this is real life and good people get hurt in the process.

Anonymous wrote:
You can’t take any responsibility for this, you are the minor, you are not at fault, he should know better and be mature and have enough self control not to let himself get caught up in this in the first place.

You speak as if a person at the age of 15 doesn’t know what they are doing and that they don’t know the difference between right and wrong.

Can I see the last post so I can make a better judgement.

http://help.com/post/540627-im-more-o…

well, i second it would pretty much mess him up(career-wise etc, idk if he’s married but..)and he’ll do anything to avoid it(as would anyone i suppose). begging usually works, specially if you have any connection which would make you feel sorry for this person. idk what your prior post was either nor i know how old you are(the age of when you’re an ‘adult’ vary by state in the US, not to mention by country) yet it doesn’t sound like it was forced to me either. if it was by all means i’d tell obviously, and i’d wonder why you felt the need to ‘warn’ him before you did. i assume everyone on your last post said to ‘tell on him’? maybe you have a link, would be awesome. even if you feel sorry for him my feeling would be to tell. i mean, if it comes out for some reason or other in the future not sure it’ll have any positive impact in your life-keeping such a secret.

Dr. Jackson wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You can’t take any responsibility for this, you are the minor, you are not at fault, he should know better and be mature and have enough self control not to let himself get caught up in this in the first place.

You speak as if a person at the age of 15 doesn’t know what they are doing and that they don’t know the difference between right and wrong.

It doesn’t matter about what the kid knows or how smart they are, this is statutory rape, it is illegal. It is wrong to blame the victim to save the criminal.

oh… i was so late lolz.

It may have been consensual but what he did is statutory rape in the eyes of the law…it was illegal…doesnt matter how much either of u loved each other it was plain wrong what he did…..And to the anon

Anonymous wrote:
I’m glad someone like Dr. Jackson answered, because I feel the same way about reporting him. I’m not exactly a doll that had no say in the matter. I purposely made myself available to him and now I’m going to ruin him as if he gave me no say in the matter.

You ruined him the second you made yourself available to him…yu should have thought about that before u did it..dont care what u or anyone says to me for saying this but it was downright selfish of u..as a teacher myself im horrified both at you AND him for allowing it to happen..especially at him for allowing it…

Dr. Jackson wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You can’t take any responsibility for this, you are the minor, you are not at fault, he should know better and be mature and have enough self control not to let himself get caught up in this in the first place.

You speak as if a person at the age of 15 doesn’t know what they are doing and that they don’t know the difference between right and wrong.

Of course at 15 you know the difference between right and wrong!..what normal person doesnt! jeez!
And it is partly her fault if as she says she made herself available to him Jackson

Look, you’re going to stop what you’re doing anyway, right? Just tell him it’s wrong and that you don’t want to endanger his career, so you’re going to stop. You can’t tell any faculty members, because they are probably legally required to report him. You parents might report him if you tell them, too.

I don’t see why you want to report him in the first place. You’re saying it’s not entirely his fault and you don’t want him to get in trouble, right? Telling an authority will only punish him.

You’re right, this is real life, and sometimes people can be too harsh. Of course, what you did was still wrong, but maybe he doesn’t deserve as harsh a punishment as he’s going to get if you tell your counselor.

-16

It is illegal, but at the same time she was willingly in the relationship. It would appear from the other post that the others in there were using peer pressure to get you to tell on him.

Honestly I do think you should stop the relationship if you haven’t already. It isn’t healthy for you and it isn’t healthy for him. If you want to tell someone you need to be prepared for not just the school finding out but everyone at school too. So all your friends, all the teachers, and pretty much your whole neighborhood as well as all the parents of the students. They will view you as a s!ut and it wont go away for a long time.

If you care about yourself then personally I’d just end it and avoid him. Sure he did wrong and such, but you were partially at fault for it no matter what anyone says about you not knowing any better.

To be honest I am not going all kill kill kill like others because only 200-300 years ago 16 was the age of marriage practically everywhere around the world and it’s fairly safe to say that the only reason it’s 18 or 20ish now is because of people living longer and education being extended.

So all in all, I wouldn’t destroy him, I would just inform him that it’s over and that if he wishes to never have it brought to light that he won’t do this to anyone ever again.

Yea, we are on opposite sides of the fence on this issue. I’m speaking from the point of view of someone who has been taken advantage of and whether or not this user went along with it or not, this teacher used his authority to take advantage of one of his students. When a teacher does that, I believe they should be reported. End of story.

So you don’t view it as her taking advantage of him? From the sounds of it the user is at fault for 90% of it. I mean if he threatened her or forced it on her I’d have a different opinion, but in this case she lead him on. A single man too, not married or in a relationship.

Dr. Jackson wrote:
So you don’t view it as her taking advantage of him? From the sounds of it the user is at fault for 90% of it. I mean if he threatened her or forced it on her I’d have a different opinion, but in this case she lead him on. A single man too, not married or in a relationship.

It doesn’t really matter. As an adult he is not supposed to be so easily lead on by a teenager. He is supposed to have self-control and boundaries which tell him that he won’t have a relationship with a 15 year old student.

Dr. Jackson wrote:
So you don’t view it as her taking advantage of him? From the sounds of it the user is at fault for 90% of it. I mean if he threatened her or forced it on her I’d have a different opinion, but in this case she lead him on. A single man too, not married or in a relationship.

There is no evidence anywhere that she led him on, besides, such an idea is pretty subjective, its like saying girls wearing short skirts are asking to get rapped.

The fact remains, that he was too weak of a human being to resist a temptation which he should have known full well was wrong.

Anonymous wrote:
There is no evidence anywhere that she led him on

Actually she practically says (or even did) that she did lead him on.

I did lead him on. I asked him for extra classes and I continued to make myself attractive for him. I wanted to be his, so I made myself attractive to him.

I agree with Dr. Jackson. In this case people would assume the absolute worst if the teacher were reported. While it is still illegal and wrong, I don’t think he deserves to be considered a felon. The legal system isn’t perfect.

Anonymous wrote:
I did lead him on. I asked him for extra classes and I continued to make myself attractive for him. I wanted to be his, so I made myself attractive to him.

Yea, students do that all the time and don’t end up having their teacher as a secret lover. Usually the teacher just gives them the extra-credit assignments and that’s that. Your teacher is messed up and if he is allowed to continue teaching he could mess someone else up.

If you end things with him, there will be some other girl in the near future. Your teacher committed a crime. Yes, 14 years old is old enough to know better and you were wrong, but he was more wrong and is probably lying about there not being anyone before you and almost definitely is lying about there not being anyone after. You need to report him and let the authorities determine whether his career is ended or not. A man who is attracted to teenagers shouldn’t be working in a high school.

What is this, the sixth century? It is not acceptable for older adult men to have affairs with young teen girls. It has NEVER been acceptable for a teacher to break the professional relationship by having an affair with his students. He knew better and he did it anyway. He NEEDS a new career, or he will end up in prison. For a first offense, and with you admitting to being complicit, he will probably just end up losing his job IF you are the only one who comes forward. If there are others, he may get some jail time and be listed on the sex offender registry.

Maybe if you admit to being a sexual predator who took advantage of the poor old man’s uncontrolled and unfamiliar hormonal reaction to get the satisfaction that you wanted, he won’t be punished at all. Maybe then things will come out alright for him.

Is everyone really ignoring the fact that she will be labeled as a **** in school and in her community? Is it really more important that she lose everything, and him too, so that a wrong was righted? I think the scales are balanced unjustly in this specific case. Am I really only one of a few who see this?

Mariam* wrote:
Maybe if you admit to being a sexual predator who took advantage of the poor old man’s uncontrolled and unfamiliar hormonal reaction to get the satisfaction that you wanted, he won’t be punished at all. Maybe then things will come out alright for him.

Please, schools are expelling kids today for just talking trashy on twitter and facebook. I really doubt that anything short of prison will occur.

Dr. Jackson wrote:
Please, schools are expelling kids today for just talking trashy on twitter and facebook. I really doubt that anything short of prison will occur.

If he really is an innocent victim of her predatory advances, justice should prevail.

My mandate for living is “Do no harm”

But when you live - you WILL do harm to others (classic example - leaving your partner because you just are not suited, and the arguments are causing more damage)

So… My question would have to be - “Why do you feel the need to tell anyone?”

You seduced him. Granted, he should have said no… But just as equally, you shouldn’t have done it either.

So… What damage has been done? Does any punishment need to me meted out? Can you move on without needing to destroy each other? (Bear in mind that you telling others will damage you, as you will be asked details and you yourself will never quite escape the stigmata either)

EXACTLY ^

SlightlyUnique wrote:
So… What damage has been done? Does any punishment need to me meted out? Can you move on without needing to destroy each other? (Bear in mind that you telling others will damage you, as you will be asked details and you yourself will never quite escape the stigmata either)

What damage has been done? by not reporting him, by doing nothing about it, by just stopping it and sayin ‘it again and ill tell’ (and how are you supposed to know if thenext person is secret too??)…she is just putting it into his head that he can do what he wants with any girl and there will be no consequence, that he can abuse the huge power that he has over kids/teens and noone will say a word…just in case HIS career would be damaged?…seriously!!??

Why is everyone assuming he will do it again? Is worst case scenario the only possible solution to this? Really? So what when 12-21-12 comes around were all going to die? That must be so because anything short of the worst case can’t possibly be true.

if she were your daughter would you want him around her still, would you want him around other teens????

Ah! Parents! They should be going to prison too, after all its their daughter that they haven’t taught well enough to know that what she did is bad.

Lets also blame all the fashion retailers for making such clothing! Its their fault too!

We could play the blame-game for hours. Its not the point

We have ALL seen 14 AND YOUNGER girls that have turned heads. Few men will admit it but it happens. Girls younger and younger are dressing up with ever more provactive outfits.

The parents allow this and in some cases encourage it (need i start talking about these teen beauty pagents?)

He was in the wrong. He shouldn’t have. But we don’t know how much force she put into it. We are all human and we all make mistakes. Since many are taking the stage of “he’s doing it with others!” let take the other extreme

He did it with OP only in a moment of weakness that he just couldn’t escape. He’s incredibly sorry and it will never happen again, and he’s learnt from it and will now go on to be a better teacher, and help more young people than he could have BEFORE this event. He will help many sexually active children wake up before they become teen-mothers and help them go on to be the best they can be, because he knows of the dangers and the weakness’

Everything has two sides - the simple fact is WE DON’T KNOW. And this is why for me it comes back to “Do no harm”

Wyyldfairy - in answer to your question - I wouldn’t mind - I would trust my daughter to do what is right, and if something happened that she didn’t want then I would expect her to tell someone (ideally me, but i’m not that naive) about it and then action could be taken. As i said, it comes down to how good a teacher he is. I would much rather my daughter be taught by someone that can teach, and encourage my youngling to be the best she can be rather than someone who has a spotless past but is a fricking useless teacher!

It’s not like he’s begging her to continue their relations. He just wants to protect his career. I doubt he ever forced her into anything at all. Yes, it is considered statutory rape, but then again so are many instances of sex between younger people.

Everyone agrees that what happened is wrong. I just don’t think he should be punished for what some of you think he will do in the future, before he even does it. He knows it’s wrong. I don’t think he will do it again, especially after this scare. He’s terrified of what might happen to his career.

Plus, if anybody finds out, everybody will find out. Is pressing this really worth the humiliation?

OP, would you have slept with him if he wasn’t your teacher, and he was just some man on the street? i really think not. his power influenced you to pursue an illegal affair, and like it or not, since he’s the adult in the position of power, it is his responsibility to say no. he’s old enough to understand the legal and moral reasons to not engage in sex with a minor and a student. he was aware how this move would devastate his career and his life, but he did it anyway.

if he had loved you, he could have waited. he could have thought to himself, “hey maybe banging my 16 year old student might cause some long-term damage to her”, but he didn’t. if he had gotten you pregnant, would he have stayed to help you? of course not. if you became pregnant and you said he was the father, he would most likely call you a whore and say that any man could have gotten you pregnant, saying you were just trying to slander him and hurt him.

also, this incident will undoubtedly have a strong effect on you in the future. it seems like you, or at least other people replying on here consider you a sl*t. i think that in order for you to properly move past this incident, you should seek help with counseling. you shouldn’t have to lie for the rest of your life for a mistake you made as a child. a teacher is supposed to look out for you and protect you from making damaging decisions on his watch. instead he helped you make the mistake of a lifetime. you owe it to yourself to speak up.

My dear Anon, even if you had stripped naked in front of him and peformed a lap dance for him, he was honor bound to refuse you and tell you that it was inappropriate.

Parents entrusted their children to this man. He was expected to be a man of honor, and to be mature, and to exercise sound judgment. He knew that having sex with a minor, and especially one of his students, broke every ethics rule–and law–in the book.

You were the minor, he was the adult. Both parents and his fellow teachers had professional expectations of him. He was expected to always conduct himself in such a manner as to keep such things as this from happening. And you did NOT lead him on. You had a “crush” on him, and he exploited it. He knew better.

Technically, he is not a pedophile. But he IS someone who has sex with underage girls. And he IS someone who violated both his professional ethics as a teacher–and the law.

Laws against statutory rape were enacted for this very reason–because minors cannot be held responsible for their participation in an affair with an adult. And that’s because you lack the experience, the knowledge, and the judgment to do such a thing. In fact, young lady, your neural pathways in your brain won’t be fully developed until you are in your early 20s. Society knows that young people will make bad choices because of all these things–so we HAVE to hold the ADULTS accountable!

Go ahead and tell the counselor. And tell your parents. And get some therapy to get beyond this. Don’t let it define you as a person or set the tone for the rest of your life. You had a crush on a male teacher–something that is perfectly normal. But he wasn’t a responsible adult–he was a predator.

And that predator MUST be removed from the school setting so he doesn’t do it again!

FINALLY…someone speaking a bit of sense chev.jame!!!

Anonymous wrote:
Report the creep, i don’t care what he says or how he tries to manipulate you, tell someone, hell tell EVERYONE, the guys is a monster and needs to be exposed as one so society can destroy him.

Any relationship with a minor is always wrong, there is no way to justify it.

poo

Mariam* wrote:
Maybe if you admit to being a sexual predator who took advantage of the poor old man’s uncontrolled and unfamiliar hormonal reaction to get the satisfaction that you wanted, he won’t be punished at all. Maybe then things will come out alright for him.

No way THIS will ever happen!

a wild ozy appears wrote:
if he had loved you, he could have waited. he could have thought to himself, “hey maybe banging my 16 year old student might cause some long-term damage to her”, but he didn’t. if he had gotten you pregnant, would he have stayed to help you? of course not. if you became pregnant and you said he was the father, he would most likely call you a whore and say that any man could have gotten you pregnant, saying you were just trying to slander him and hurt him.

I think this is a bit over the top. You’re assuming that he is evil. You don’t know the man. And you weren’t there.

a wild ozy appears wrote:
also, this incident will undoubtedly have a strong effect on you in the future. it seems like you, or at least other people replying on here consider you a sl*t. i think that in order for you to properly move past this incident, you should seek help with counseling. you shouldn’t have to lie for the rest of your life for a mistake you made as a child. a teacher is supposed to look out for you and protect you from making damaging decisions on his watch. instead he helped you make the mistake of a lifetime. you owe it to yourself to speak up.

Also, I don’t agree it’s “the mistake of a lifetime.” If it is, she’ll be doing pretty good. Who was harmed by this? Must we be so prudish in America? We’re prudish yet immoral. Flip flop. Let’s be REAL.

Well, I almost always agree with Chev.Jame, but in this case I’m just not sure … For some reason, I’m leaning strongly towards just “moving on.”

So he was sleeping with you when you were 14? He is a pedophile and needs to be in prison. When he gets out they should put a sign in his front yard telling everyone to beware, he is a child molester. He will continue to sleep with underage girls I think he is full of crap telling you it will never happen again. Let’s be real. If another girl gets raped it is your fault, that is what I think.

The most successful predators are those that LURE their prey.

Dragon_Lady wrote:
The most successful predators are those that LURE their prey.

Ironically this could be said on both ends though. She successfully lured him, or he successfully lured her.

On a different note it’s truly amazing how many people immedietly say guilty and just want to throw his life away. Would make a horrible jury duty group. At least look at things with open minds.

I don’t think your teacher ever would have had an affair with you if he thought you would report him, which means he is confident in his ability to keep you quiet and under control. So he has been in the position of control all along - I can’t see him as a victim of a high school student. You don’t seem like a predator to me. Asking for extra credit and dressing up for class isn’t the same as asking for sex.

Yes, he should be prosecuted, he is a predator and a danger to society. You already know that he’s willing to do this to a student, so would you let YOUR teenage daughter around him when she goes to school? So why shouldn’t other people have the right to know that there is a predator teaching in their schools? And how would you feel if someone else knew there was a predator walking the streets but never spoke out against it? This is not just about what he did to you but protecting your community.

Dr. Jackson wrote:

Dragon_Lady wrote:
The most successful predators are those that LURE their prey.

Ironically this could be said on both ends though. She successfully lured him, or he successfully lured her.

On a different note it’s truly amazing how many people immedietly say guilty and just want to throw his life away. Would make a horrible jury duty group. At least look at things with open minds.

I feel sorry for him if his life is ruined, and I think the poster should not have pursued this relationship, but HE is the adult in this relationship. He went into this KNOWING what it would do to his career and knowing that it’s wrong. No matter how he felt, this is wrong and she is under-age. If he cared for her, he could have waited to pursue a physical relationship until she was older/out of school. Everyone makes mistakes, but justice must be served to those who do.

You need to tell your counselor, Poster. This relationship with you could be the beginning of a downward spiral and for all you know, he might need some counseling of his own. Do it to help yourself, him, and all of the man’s future students. He can find a job SOMEWHERE! He might not be able to teach again, but if he’s sleeping with students, that’s a good thing. He will find a job and he will be much less likely to make this mistake again.

I know that you are 15 and therefore capable of making decisions, such as the one to sleep with him, but by virtue of being a 15 year-old, you’re gonna make a lot of mistakes. When you get out of high school, you will realize that everyone’s right when they say your hormones are out of wack when you’re a teenager! They make things much more thrilling or sad and just dramatic in general and being a teenager, you’re not likely to be thinking as much about consequences as you are about how thrilling the thing you’re doing is. As an adult and a teacher, he should have been able to judge that this was wrong and stop it in the early stages, when you were making yourself available. He knew it was wrong going into it, and it doesn’t sound like this was just ONE incident, either, which means he continually made the decision to do wrong. Tell your counselor.

Research has shown that girls aged 15 and under who are exploited for sex by adult men tend to become lifelong victims who view their self-worth solely in terms of sex. They’re also more likely to become pregnant, abuse drugs, drop out of school and attempt suicide.

You owe it to yourself to seek counseling. This man knowingly exploited you for sex.

Are we really concerned that this man will lose his career? There are thousands of qualified teachers out of work who are more deserving of a career than this man.

Judging from the amount of posts on this thread already, I’m not sure you are still listening, but maybe I can help a bit. Let me start off, however, by saying that I have never been in your situation. I have never known a person in your situation. My views are completely outside views.

When you enter into a close, sexual relationship with another human being, you entrust a piece of yourself to them that is indescribable until you have felt it. In my brain, I think of that piece of myself as a warrior, willing and choosing to fight to the ends of the earth for that person - regardless of age, gender, sexual orientation, religious background or affiliation, or conviction. If that person misuses this piece of you in any way (such as mental or physical abuse - i.e. “No one will ever love you like I do” or “Without me you are nothing”), they have lost that right to any sort of romantic relationship - or even friendship- with you.

From personal experience, I can tell you that it is equally damaging to your relationship with your parents as it is hard to keep this relationship with your teacher a secret. You need not only parents, but friends right now. Sharing a piece of yourself with someone is a wonderful thing, but not when it is kept secret to the point that it is detrimental to yourself.

If you feel the need for this to end, no matter how deeply you might feel for him or him you, then end it. If you feel like there is no other way out - then I strongly urge you to tell an adult; be that another teacher, counselor, principal, your best friend’s mom, or a random police officer.

In the end, you need to do what is best for YOU. You are a young, beautiful, growing human being - you need to listen to your guts even if it hurts the people around you.

Know that in the end the friends you need and deserve your companionship the most are the people that stick by your side through everything.

I hope this helped,
PromisingMoon

Elk wrote:
Are we really concerned that this man will lose his career? There are thousands of qualified teachers out of work who are more deserving of a career than this man.

Good point!

I guess what I will add is while you know the difference between right and wrong, you do not know certain consequences or reprecutions. I mean if the guy is okay with taking advantage of an innocent child, what else is he capable of? Is this child going to end up in a ditch somewhere because they didn’t report the teacher? Does he know the difference between right and wrong? It seems he doesn’t care about right and wrong as long as it’s not affecting him. I know it’s a tough decision, but be careful what you choose. He already proves to be a bad person. You need to make wiser decisions.

Statistic’s state you were not the only one!
As he was completely disregarding the law and abusing his position of authority.
He will do it again.

I’m sorry to hear this happened to you:(

Everyone telling her to report it - let me ask you this ;

Remember when you were at school, 15 yrs old, (bearing in mind in a lot of countries the legal age for sex is 16)
The teacher you had a huge crush on, fantasized about, even flirted with, stayed back in their class to be near them, wrote your name & their name on your books with a love heart by the side of it, dreamed about them all the time etc, how much did you want to be with them then?

If all your efforts had paid off & they’d noticed you, would you of seen it as rape / abuse then?
Keeping in mind how much you thought you loved this teacher, even before anything happened.

Rosabella wrote:

a wild ozy appears wrote:
if he had loved you, he could have waited. he could have thought to himself, “hey maybe banging my 16 year old student might cause some long-term damage to her”, but he didn’t. if he had gotten you pregnant, would he have stayed to help you? of course not. if you became pregnant and you said he was the father, he would most likely call you a whore and say that any man could have gotten you pregnant, saying you were just trying to slander him and hurt him.

I think this is a bit over the top. You’re assuming that he is evil. You don’t know the man. And you weren’t there.

Also, I don’t agree it’s “the mistake of a lifetime.” If it is, she’ll be doing pretty good. Who was harmed by this? Must we be so prudish in America? We’re prudish yet immoral. Flip flop. Let’s be REAL.

i don’t need to know the man to know what he did was wrong. i bet you this man’s in his late 30s or older. i find it disturbing that so many people think it’s okay for a grown adult to use their influence and power as an authority figure to screw a 15 year-old kid. you don’t think that effects how a girl sees herself? people on here are already calling her a sl*t. there’s nothing prudish about wanting to put an end to a girl being taken advantage of. she doesn’t want this, and she shouldn’t have to lie for the rest of her life because she made a mistake as a kid. HE is supposed to be a protective influence on her, but i guess he just couldn’t “help himself”. what’s next? a 13 year old? a 12 year old? hell, some girls reach puberty at 9. is that okay?

Dr. Jackson wrote:

Dragon_Lady wrote:
The most successful predators are those that LURE their prey.

On a different note it’s truly amazing how many people immedietly say guilty and just want to throw his life away. Would make a horrible jury duty group. At least look at things with open minds.

yeah! let’s get this man before a REAL jury!

If there were fair punishments for this type of thing then i would agree that he should be punished.

But there aren’t.

HE can expect to lose his job, his family, his house, his career, his friends. Simply put EVERYTHING. Quite simply you might as well shoot him as his entire life will be over.

SHE can expect to be labeled, quizzed, made to feel that she was the victim and it was all his fault (through careful coaching), and will end up truely believing that she is a victim. (With all the baggage that entails). Her life will be irrovacbly changed.

How is this fair exactly? How is this justice?

IF he seduced her, lured her etc etc etc then perhaps its propotionate.

IF he was seduced, and this is just a horrible mistake and a cost of being human (Need i remind you that we ALL make mistakes?) then how is this fair? How is this justice? for /either/ of them?

How old is the teacher?

TranquilTempest wrote:
How old is the teacher?

i want to know the answer to that too, though i don’t think there’s any age that makes having sex with a 14 year old girl okay for an adult.

She’s 15, not 14, and I ask because I had a relationship with a 21-year-old when I was 15, and a fair few girls I went to school with also had relationships with adults. Mine wasn’t sexual, but some of theirs were.

AlcyoneOne wrote:

TranquilTempest wrote:
How old is the teacher?

It doesn’t matter how old he is, he is clearly an adult. He accepted the job he has, and part of the responsibility of a teacher is to set an example for, and to ensure the welfare of, the students who have been entrusted to his care. He is a pedophile of the worst kind, plain and simple.

I think there’s a big difference between a guy in his early 20s fresh out of uni, and a 45-year-old man who has been teaching for 20 years.

TranquilTempest wrote:
She’s 15, not 14, and I ask because I had a relationship with a 21-year-old when I was 15, and a fair few girls I went to school with also had relationships with adults. Mine wasn’t sexual, but some of theirs were.

she clearly says she was not yet 15 in her post. that makes her 14.

The law states that the age of consent is 16. In other places its 18. In still others its 21. In yet others its 14. Conversly i’ve come across 16 year olds which are wiser and far more savvy than say 23/24. Look at how many uni students behave for instance ;)

Its a figure that is mandated by tradition, law, religion and a whole raft of other facts. Who says when an INDIVIDUAL is responsible? We use a blanket figure because there is no other way, and that figure changes from state to state let alone country to country. You are damning a man we don’t know based on a mistake, a figure which alters depending where you live, and a pile of conjecture.

Alcyone, you say that she is the victim, which is fact.

He is the victim, this is also fact. Even if nothing is said he has to live with the guilt of his actions. He was seduced beyond his better judgement. He made a mistake. Why are you so quick do destroy his entire life based on a single mistake?

If OP hadn’t seduced him, would he have made a move on her? Probably not. OP should never have tried to seduce him.

Then, say the age wasn’t a factor (say for instance it was in Italy where the age of consent is 14 (good old google!)) What is the crime?

It then becomes a mere breach of ethics which would earn a repremand, a serious slap and perhaps loss of job. But thats it. Not loss of everything else too.

Why is it that suddenly everyone here is so pure that they would NEVER contemplate such a thing? We are human. We get it wrong. Look at history and look at the honest mistakes that have destroyed otherwise good people?

if an adult man truly is unable to refuse the advances of a 14 year old girl, then he is indeed a threat to the children whom he is trusted with teaching an protecting. nowhere in the united states is there an “age of consent” law lower than the age of 16 for a relationship with an adult more than 3 years than them.

a wild ozy appears wrote:
if an adult man truly is unable to refuse the advances of a 14 year old girl, then he is indeed a threat to the children whom he is trusted with teaching an protecting. nowhere in the united states is there an “age of consent” law lower than the age of 16 for a relationship with an adult more than 3 years than them.

Best thing I’ve read on here so far.

Theres more to the world than just the USA. People are people everywhere. And as i said, the law is a blanket figure and takes no account of individuals. Again, look at the AoC laws that vary from state to state/country to country.

As for an adult man not being able to resist the advances of a 14 year old you need to look outside at how some of these young, innocent and hopelessly naive teeny boppers dress and act. Frankly some of them scare me!

As Dr Jackson said a while ago - Its not that long ago when 16 was the date most females were expected to be married and popping out kids! Often to men far older than they are, as men take longer to mature.

No matter the circumstances, no matter the feelings, and no matter how human he is, this teacher was seduced by a FOURTEEN year-old. That is NOT someone who should be teaching other 14 year olds, especially since there will probably be more who want to seduce him! There’s a REASON this will ruin his career. A man who can’t control himself around a young teen is not fit for teaching, no matter how good of a person he is. He has a degree, he can get other jobs that don’t endanger other impressionable young girls and he can move away from his reputation.

I taught in universities for six years. During some of that time I was unmarried. There was no way in hell that I would have even considered dating one of my female students, much less having sex with them–and this was at the university level.

It’s much more stringent at the secondary school level. Here we find teenagers who are just beginning to figure out their identities. Hordes of male high school students will be fantasizing about “hot” female teachers, and hordes of female high school students will be fantasizing about “hot” male teachers. The teachers know this. They have been given instruction on how to handle such matters. They know that crushes are completely normal, and they are taught how to “let the student down easy” without damaging his or her self-esteem, if it should come to that. They know better than to indulge a teenager’s crush or sexual fantasy.

This teacher knew what he was doing. He contemplated it, he thought of how he would approach the student for sex, and he carried out his plan. And his values were so twisted that he was willing to risk everything for this illicit sex.

Unreported, and this guy could be lying in wait for Anon’s daughter 15 or 20 years down the line. And, in the meantime, he would have had sex with scores of underage girls.

And the fact that Anon was 14 and not even 16 makes it even worse. This is the kind of person who robs young people of their innocence, who makes them think that love is something tawdry and to be hidden from the eyes of the world.

He broke the teacher’s ethic. He violated the trust placed in him. And, most likely, he even chose the teaching profession as a way to slake his lust for underage girls–just the way pedophile priests chose their profession to give them access to young boys.

Yes, he will be fired. Yes, he will face jail time. Yes, he will have his teaching credentials revolked. And, yes, he will end up on the sex offender register wherever he goes.

But he knew all of these things. And somehow, they made it all the more exciting for him, because he knew he was taking great risks by breaking every rule in the book. But it’s time to ground this predator, to take him out of circulation. Because if nothing is done, he will be emboldened and the cycle will repeat itself–tragically–with one girl after another.

I am sure that Anon was not his first. But hopefully, she will be his last.

SlightlyUnique wrote:
As Dr Jackson said a while ago - Its not that long ago when 16 was the date most females were expected to be married and popping out kids! Often to men far older than they are, as men take longer to mature.

yeah, and a friend of mine was biologically able to produce babies at the age of 9. if an adult screwed her, i guess that was just “natural” too?

SlightlyUnique wrote:
As for an adult man not being able to resist the advances of a 14 year old you need to look outside at how some of these young, innocent and hopelessly naive teeny boppers dress and act. Frankly some of them scare me!

Whether the girl was the aggressor or not is irrelevant. The teacher has a professional obligation to maintain the teacher-student relationship. The girl was wrong to try to seduce him. If he was previously innocent she has influenced him to choose to ruin his career. But he was the one who broke the law and professional ethics.

Even if the girl were adult, the breach of ethics still warrants loss of the job and maybe loss of the career. This girl was 14 when he started having sex with her. That is a crime. Let the professional conduct board decide on the status of his career and let the courts decide on whether he needs jail time.

And hopefully this girl will get some counseling to help her to see that wrong is wrong, even if you think you are “in love”. If the man loved her, he would have waited for her to graduate and reach legal age before consenting to a relationship with her.

Mrs. Hasta Pianoman wrote:
No matter the circumstances, no matter the feelings, and no matter how human he is, this teacher was seduced by a FOURTEEN year-old. That is NOT someone who should be teaching other 14 year olds, especially since there will probably be more who want to seduce him! There’s a REASON this will ruin his career. A man who can’t control himself around a young teen is not fit for teaching, no matter how good of a person he is. He has a degree, he can get other jobs that don’t endanger other impressionable young girls and he can move away from his reputation.

No. He can’t.

If it was as simple as him losing his job and not being able to teach 14 year olds again, but say, being able to teach uni students instead then i would say thats fair and propotionate, and go for it.

But its not.

As said repeatedly by both sides of the fence, he stands to lose EVERYTHING. house, job, friends, career, money - EVERYTHING. That is NOT propotionate to what he’s done.

girls have crushes on adult men. this happens. but it doesn’t mean that a man should abuse his position of power to take a child to bed, cover up the incident, or use guilt to keep the girl quiet about it. however old he is, he was a grown man who found it acceptable to sleep with a 14 year old girl who looked up to him and was trusted by her parents to be safe within his care.

whatever his intentions were, he found it impossible to keep his junk in his pants when around this student, and instead of taking a true concern over her welfare, he chose sex. did he care that she might not be thinking about all the consequences of her actions? did he care that he was betraying her parents’ trust and allowing this girl to put herself in a high-tension, illegal situation? it’s hard enough being a 14 year old. it’s hard enough being a 14 year old in a relationship. does anyone REALLY think that agreeing to allow a 14 year old girl to enter into a sexual relationship with an adult teacher (who wields authority over her and her friends in day-to-day life, who burdens her with “ruining his life” if she dared ever talk about the relationship) is a good idea? would anyone condone their friend, their sister, their daughter, to think it was a good idea?

there’s a reason why adults are tasked with the responsibility of setting an example and teaching young people how to make good decisions. children learn from us because although they are indeed rational and sane, they are still DEVELOPING. life experience is one undeniable advantage adults have over children. young people often don’t know the capacity of the world to bring them suffering as a consequence of their actions. THIS is where an experienced adult with the position to guide and give advice, like a TEACHER, is supposed to serve an protect. not take to bed and put these burdens on a young girl’s shoulders.

SlightlyUnique wrote:
As said repeatedly by both sides of the fence, he stands to lose EVERYTHING. house, job, friends, career, money - EVERYTHING. That is NOT propotionate to what he’s done.

He knew the risk and chose it.

SlightlyUnique wrote:
If it was as simple as him losing his job and not being able to teach 14 year olds again, but say, being able to teach uni students instead then i would say thats fair and propotionate, and go for it.
But its not.
As said repeatedly by both sides of the fence, he stands to lose EVERYTHING. house, job, friends, career, money - EVERYTHING. That is NOT propotionate to what he’s done.

if a man is so capable of abusing his position of power as to start a sexual relationship with a child at the age of 14, he should NEVER hold any position of teaching or law ever again. he deserves to lose his career - he should never have been in it to begin with. he has no wife or kids to lose. yeah, it might sound harsh, but what this man has done is not just a mistake, it’s a CRIME.

Mistakes happen.

Hell, Eve knew the risk of eating a certain apple and she still cocked up! We are fundamentally flawed remeber!

As for the teacher/responsibilty thing - again - i agree!

BUT - you have to then blame the people that employed him, the people that trained him, his parents for missing that little bit of armour that makes him a man. And then go on to blame her parents, the clothes manufactors, her friends for (possibly) egging her on, etc etc etc etc etc.

The point of the sword is this - Is it right for this consequence for this crime?

Personally, i say no. Others say yes.

Its not for us to decide - Its for OP

at what point do you draw the line on a “mistake”?? having sex with a 14 year old? no? having sex with a 13 year old? maybe 12? maybe 10? is that okay because it is a “mistake”? is that okay because a man is just a victim to all the sexually appealing children out there?

we are adults. we don’t have an equal responsibility to share over an action with a child. we are responsible for their health and safety, and to do that, there must be a line drawn somewhere. at some point a mistake isn’t just a mistake, it is a criminal offense. and it should be treated like one.

SlightlyUnique wrote:
BUT - you have to then blame the people that employed him, the people that trained him, his parents for missing that little bit of armour that makes him a man. And then go on to blame her parents, the clothes manufactors, her friends for (possibly) egging her on, etc etc etc etc etc.

Nonsense. Regardless of influences, each person is accountable for his or her choices. This man chose to commit a crime and a breach of professional ethics. He knew the risk and assumed he would be able to manipulate the girl so that he would get away with it. She probably isn’t his first and she probably won’t be his last, if she allows him to frighten or guilt her into not reporting the crime.

I would say dont report him but leak it to the kids in some way.

SlightlyUnique wrote:
No. He can’t.

If it was as simple as him losing his job and not being able to teach 14 year olds again, but say, being able to teach uni students instead then i would say thats fair and propotionate, and go for it.

But its not.

As said repeatedly by both sides of the fence, he stands to lose EVERYTHING. house, job, friends, career, money - EVERYTHING. That is NOT propotionate to what he’s done.

Yes. It is!

He can get a job doing something else, even if it’s McDonalds. He probably won’t teach again, THANK GOODNESS because I would never want my children or my future students to be subject to this predator. He didn’t simply have sex with a girl he thought was attractive. He willingly and knowingly endangered his career and this girl’s safety, reputation, and happiness for sex. He committed a crime in having sex with an under-aged girl and he knew it. He’s guilting her into not telling because it will ruin his life..but he already ruined hers! This has been taking a toll on her and she will never not have had this affair. He’s forever changed her life because of his lust! Don’t even try to tell me he actually loves her. He would have waited if he did.

SlightlyUnique wrote:
Mistakes happen.

Hell, Eve knew the risk of eating a certain apple and she still cocked up! We are fundamentally flawed remeber!

Yes, he made one HUGE mistake. Actually more than one, because this wasn’t one isolated incident, from what the poster was saying. But there are CONSEQUENCES to our actions and we have to deal with them. He has to deal with the consequences he brought onto himself.

I know someone who was in this situation, by the way, and there were two other in the time I was in high school. All of them eventually reported the teachers and all of the teachers are still alive. So he’ll be fine.

SlightlyUnique wrote:
The point of the sword is this - Is it right for this consequence for this crime?

yup, that’s a great lesson to bring home to the kids. if you commit a crime with no regard for the known consequences of your actions that you were clearly aware of, you don’t DESERVE punishment. you deserve to be pitied, and you can get away with it too as long as you can guilt-trip your victim into shutting up.

Is the teacher in his twenties?

Doubletime wrote:
I would say dont report him but leak it to the kids in some way.

What about the kids 20 years from now? What about when he’s married and sexually frustrated because his wife won’t put out for him? There’s a thrill in doing something this forbidden that he’ll be addicted to, now.

I doubt it was that fabulous.

Doubletime wrote:
I doubt it was that fabulous.

Doesn’t matter how good the sex is..people who do stuff like this get a thrill from the knowledge that it’s forbidden and from the feeling of power. He’s not likely to stop. Don’t believe me? Look at statistics.

Goddamnit people! I’m going to have to make this my last post for today since i’ve gotten myself frustrated. (And i can’t keep up! - i’m typing a reply with at least 2 other posts being done while i’m still typing!)

He hasn’t ruined her life. She is fine. She knew what she was doing. Where is the actual victim here? Is she damaged? What about her realising that she can do this to get power over men, and she keeps doing this to manipulate them?

She has forever changed HIS life because of HER lust. Everything you say has two sides - why can’t you see this?

they are BOTH in the wrong. Just because she is below the age of consent (which, as stated is dependant on where you live) you want him destroyed, and her scott free? They should BOTH be held accountable.

Which you all know will not happen - see above posts for the consequences on both sides.

And on that note i’m bowing out for a bit and doing something else :) - I’m actually suprised i’m as irked as I am about the unfairness that is going on - but in the end it matters not - its not our decision to make.

Ok. Just a thot.

The girl should also report herself to her mom. Shes way out of control.

SlightlyUnique wrote:
Goddamnit people! I’m going to have to make this my last post for today since i’ve gotten myself frustrated. (And i can’t keep up! - i’m typing a reply with at least 2 other posts being done while i’m still typing!)
He hasn’t ruined her life. She is fine. She knew what she was doing. Where is the actual victim here? Is she damaged? What about her realising that she can do this to get power over men, and she keeps doing this to manipulate them?
She has forever changed HIS life because of HER lust. Everything you say has two sides - why can’t you see this?
they are BOTH in the wrong. Just because she is below the age of consent (which, as stated is dependant on where you live) you want him destroyed, and her scott free? They should BOTH be held accountable.

Which you all know will not happen - see above posts for the consequences on both sides.

And on that note i’m bowing out for a bit and doing something else :) - I’m actually suprised i’m as irked as I am about the unfairness that is going on - but in the end it matters not - its not our decision to make.

SHE. IS. A. CHILD. we, as adults, DO NOT put ourselves on equal responsibility for actions as CHILDREN! it’s not like he couldn’t control himself. he KNEW what could happen, and he did it anyway. that was his CHOICE as an experienced ADULT. HE chose to put “his life” at risk, he committed the crime, and just because he’s about to get caught doesn’t change the facts a bit.

this was a clear abuse of authority. are you seriously claiming that a 14 year old student had an equal amount of authority over a respected teacher and adult as he does?

he made his choice. now he will live with the consequences. yes, the girl made a bad decision as well, but that does not change the fact that he knowingly did something illegal and immoral while KNOWING the consequences. if you do the crime and get caught, you will do the time. that’s how life works.

Well, yes, SlightlyUnique, I know where you are coming from . . . but as someone who has been a teacher (professor), I know what his professional ethics (and the law) dictated on this subject. He knew them, too.

When one enters a profession like medicine, or the ministry, or law, or teaching one knows that there are going to be temptations. People in these positions are in a position of power and/or influence over others. When I was a professor and a department head, I went into my classroom with my “Mr. Spock” persona activated. I knew that I couldn’t allow myself to think about illicit liaisons with young female students. Yes, there were students who would “come onto” me. And yes, they were always gently rebuffed.

Let me tell everyone a story here about abused power. My brother-in-law and his wife went to their pastor for marital counseling. Unknown to them, this pastor had a history of predation upon women in the church. He told my brother-in-law’s wife that their problems stemmed from her husband not being a good lover. He volunteered to show my sister-in-law what a good lover could do for her disposition. They had an illict affair–all the while that he was purporting to “counsel” them. My brother-in-law recorded their phone conversations, which could be called “X-rated.” I advised my brother-in-law to sue the pastor for pastoral malpractice. He initiated a suit. When it was apparent that he was going to have to answer for his actions, this pastor–who had a long history of sexually abusing women in his church and in the church’s employ–committed suicide via carbon monoxide poisoning.

My brother-in-law, who lost his wife, his kids AND his church because of what happened, committed suicide a short time later with a magnum revolver.

And THAT is why I–and the members of society in general–insist so strongly that people in positions of power and influence do not abuse their position.

If that pastor had not violated his professional ethics, I firmly believe that my brother-in-law would be alive today.

And so, probably, would that pastor.

SlightlyUnique wrote:
Goddamnit people! Just because she is below the age of consent (which, as stated is dependant on where you live) you want him destroyed, and her scott free? They should BOTH be held accountable.

Okay. Let me tell you a story called “one of my teachers had a sexual relationship with his student”. She was 17, it was all consensual, and she wasn’t the one who turned him in. He lost his job (only after months of paid leave during the investigation), but he was never charged with anything since the girl herself wouldn’t testify and her journal clearly showed that it was consensual. I don’t know what he’s doing now, but a year after he was fired, he was still with her and whatevs. IT DIDN’T RUIN HIS LIFE FOREVER. He was punished for his crime and I don’t believe he’ll be teaching again, but his life is good enough. So chill. The man knew the consequences going into this and it’s not like we’re sentencing him to death, we’re just trying to keep him away from other lustful teenagers.

By the way, in that pastor’s case, the abuse of women continued over a long period of time because his deacons “covered” for him. That’s right. They conspired to squelch any complaints made against him.

Had that pastor been required to answer for his actions at the very first instance of malfeasance, he would not have driven so many women from the church–and not have driven my brother-in-law to suicide.

When you cover up things like that, tragedy will inevitably ensure. Who knows if some teenage girl impregnated by that teacher might not commit suicide, also?

These are the reasons we must be so insistent upon teachers and others in similar positions adhering to professional ethics and the law.

SlightlyUnique wrote:
Goddamnit people! Just because she is below the age of consent (which, as stated is dependant on where you live) you want him destroyed, and her scott free? They should BOTH be held accountable.

Oh, and of course she’s living with the consequences, too! She will also be exposed and is this very moment dealing with the emotional problems that have stemmed from this, including the decision to turn him in or not. She did NOT get out unscathed as you’re trying to say she did.

Sorry folks, hate on me all you like. But I think this is troll of the first order. A sex offender ‘bursts into tears’ at the idea of being outed by his victim. Nah. If she is a victim she would have been properly groomed. They take their time so that the victim as no self esteem whatsoever and is completely dependent on them. They victim feels their world will fall apart if they were parted from them , so therefore she would never ever think of betraying her one true friend.

The poster I think is a wannabe fiction writer looking for some angles for dialogue in a narrative regarding this situation and like many of help.com presents it in the first person to get emotional responses. I’m sure many more feel this way. Victims of child abuse are not so eloquent whilst in the situation, and phrases such as ‘he bursts into tears’ are indicative of young female wannabe writers its so cliche. What is more likely is,

…he became aggressive. The kind eyes I loved looked coldly and me. He grabbed my arm whilst threatening me,telling him that he would ruin me after he came out of prison. He would make it no man would ever love me. I was terrified. He said he would even hurt my family and my pet rabbit…

You can have that for your story for free.

Relationships like this are based on control and she doesn’t seem to be being controlled at the moment i.e now she is in the relationship that much therefore I think it’s fake but was one of the best troll posts I’ve ever experienced on here. Of course, trolls never come clean and we will never know.

Anonymous wrote:
Relationships like this are based on control and she doesn’t seem to be being controlled at the moment i.e now she is in the relationship that much therefore I think it’s fake but was one of the best troll posts I’ve ever experienced on here. Of course, trolls never come clean and we will never know.

So noted . . . but it is best to occasionally feed a troll than to ignore a real cry for help.

Yes she is being controlled. His tears caused her to reconsider turning him in, as she had decided before. Threats of physical harm are not the only way to control a person, especially a person who thinks they are “in love”.

Okay we have a super hot 14/15 year old Lolita who is seducing a teacher. A teacher who up until now has never ever strayed. He has been prim and proper. In fact she is the love of his life. What was it about this girl that made him fall when he knew all the consequences? What was so attractive about this teacher? I mean a hot 14/15 year old Lolita could do much much better than a school teacher. What was the attraction to this girl? What was the life experience of this girl prior to this? She couldn’t have been that innocent to be able to seduce a much older man with ‘impeccable’ morals (up to that point that is). How and when exactly was the sexual relationship initiated? How did they progress from constructive feedback on her homework to consensual foreplay?

And in all this time, A YEAR a full year in a 14/15 year old’s life and this girl has not told NOBODY. ABSOLUTELY NOBODY.

Just to answer what others have asked. He is 23 years old. And yes I’ve told nobody.

Anonymous wrote:
Just to answer what others have asked. He is 23 years old. And yes I’ve told nobody.

Well not that it makes it any better… But it is better than say a 40 year old lol.

Were you trying to have a sexual relationship with him or just trying to spend time with him
?

Anonymous wrote:
Just to answer what others have asked. He is 23 years old. And yes I’ve told nobody.

Pretty immature, effeminate 23 year old if you ask me. You were probably his first ever girlfriend as well, hey?

Just like chev.jame said. I had a huge crush on him. I wasn’t exactly thinking of luring him into bed. I just thought he was very attractive.

no, he’s had previous girlfriends

do you want to continue having an affair with him? what would you do if you didn’t tell the counselor?

I guess you were naive about him. And he should have known better.

I’m sorry but I’m having internet trouble. I think help.com is too slow for my browser or something

Soaybe he should not be working around kids like yourself.

Nah, help is just naturally slow.

A wild ozy appears, I don’t actually want to end my relationship with him, because I think I love him. I am not at all prepared for anything. I was told by you to report him. I thought maybe that’s the right thing to do. It is almost as if this post is an extension of a debate in my own mind. Only I haven’t chosen a side yet.

The choice is ultimately yours, as others have said. but as similar situation happened with a girl at a local private school in my city. even after they were caught she tried to contact him and see him again. she said she was in love with him. a few months ago she stood in trial and said this:

“Today, I come here as a woman. Not the weak, innocent, and vulnerable girl that I was when you knew me. Because of you I had to grow up so much faster than everyone else. I understand now that you tricked me and manipulated me… You were in a position of authority and you abused it horribly. You left me here to explain your mess that you made and carried on for months, what a coward and a poor excuse for a man and a human being. I’ve had to suffer the ignorance and cruelty of many who don’t understand how your type of abuse worked. I’m proud of myself for coming forward and standing strong, even in the face of so much adversity. Today, I’m the one who has the power.”

she was 16 when the affair began, and she’s 18 now. that could be you in a couple of years. the man did lose his job, but he got no jail time and he continues life as a free man. you may have wanted your teacher’s affection, but i think you got a lot more than you bargained for when you were a 14 year old staying after class. i don’t really think you were asking for all this. something like this will affect you and your relationships for the rest of your life.

i really believe that if your teacher had loved you, he would have waited for you to graduate, but instead he made it about sex. i think that it’s likely that nothing will change. you’ll keep lying about what you’re doing to your parents and friends. eventually the relationship will end. and when you’re gone there will most likely be others to take your place. no other girls would know any better.

a wild ozy appears wrote:
The choice is ultimately yours, as others have said. but as similar situation happened with a girl at a local private school in my city. even after they were caught she tried to contact him and see him again. she said she was in love with him. a few months ago she stood in trial and said this:

“Today, I come here as a woman. Not the weak, innocent, and vulnerable girl that I was when you knew me. Because of you I had to grow up so much faster than everyone else. I understand now that you tricked me and manipulated me… You were in a position of authority and you abused it horribly. You left me here to explain your mess that you made and carried on for months, what a coward and a poor excuse for a man and a human being. I’ve had to suffer the ignorance and cruelty of many who don’t understand how your type of abuse worked. I’m proud of myself for coming forward and standing strong, even in the face of so much adversity. Today, I’m the one who has the power.”

she was 16 when the affair began, and she’s 18 now. that could be you in a couple of years. the man did lose his job, but he got no jail time and he continues life as a free man. you may have wanted your teacher’s affection, but i think you got a lot more than you bargained for when you were a 14 year old staying after class. i don’t really think you were asking for all this. something like this will affect you and your relationships for the rest of your life.

i really believe that if your teacher had loved you, he would have waited for you to graduate, but instead he made it about sex. i think that it’s likely that nothing will change. you’ll keep lying about what you’re doing to your parents and friends. eventually the relationship will end. and when you’re gone there will most likely be others to take your place. no other girls would know any better.

These ‘relationships’ are so cliche this days. I read one where the guy left the school and went to work in adult education part time and continued the affair. Some of them, because of the shame have to PROVE their ‘true’ love and stay together well after the relationship has run its course for the sake of proving that they were not abusers or abused. There is never an easy way out.

Anonymous wrote:
Just like chev.jame said. I had a huge crush on him. I wasn’t exactly thinking of luring him into bed. I just thought he was very attractive.

So did he persuade you to sleep with him? The fact that he’s 23 did make me initially think it’s not worse-case, but thinking about it, that means he’s pretty new to the teaching career, and to the temptation of teenage girls that comes with it. If his resistance crumbled so fast, it’s more than likely he will do this again, to another girl.

I definitely agree with the others in that he should not be allowed to teach.

The act of sleeping together was started by him, but I didn’t exactly make it difficult for him. I made myself available.

Anonymous wrote:
The act of sleeping together was started by him, but I didn’t exactly make it difficult for him. I made myself available.

you were a 14 year old girl with a crush on him. of course, you wouldn’t make it difficult.

report him he will do it again and again till he is stopped, his age doesn’t matter her’s does. this teacher crossed the line

Anonymous wrote:
The act of sleeping together was started by him, but I didn’t exactly make it difficult for him. I made myself available.

So will other girls. I’ve seen female students flirt with their male teachers, everyone has. But they have a responsibility to say no. Persuing a relationship with a student is questionable, but taking steps to make it sexual is just wrong.

You need to speak to a counsellor because you are contradicting yourself. You say recently:

Anonymous wrote:
The act of sleeping together was started by him, but I didn’t exactly make it difficult for him. I made myself available.

And earlier you say:

Anonymous wrote:
I did lead him on. I asked him for extra classes and I continued to make myself attractive for him. I wanted to be his, so I made myself attractive to him.

Even YOU don’t know what you or he did and why it was done at the time. You were all for bringing your relationship out and stop hiding and lying to everyone, now it’s should I tell the counsellor or not? As I said earlier, if this isn’t a troll post and I still beleive it is, whatever you decide to do will not be easy. I kinda get the impression that when you go down to the counsellor and say, ‘I’ve been having an affair with Mr X,’ she says, ‘Oh, not you too! When will that man stop!’

So he bursts into tears and then what, went to teach some boisterous teenagers with the tears still flooding down his eyes? Did you comfort him or did he stand there crying uncontrollably whilst you looked on hurt and what you suggested you would do? Why hasn’t his pleas for you not stopped you from wanting to report him? Why do you want to report him? Because Ozzy says you should? That is so lame.

Teachers of teenagers have very very thick skins. They need it.

Leading someone on and asking them to have sex with them as far as I know aren’t the same thing. I made myself attractive and available to him. I don’t know what you are trying to say because I see no contradiction.

I don’t know why they blocked it, but what I said was that leading on doesn’t mean asking someone to sleep with you. I’ve always made myself available and attractive and that’s all I’ve said so far. I had a crush on him and I wanted him to be mine, but that does not mean I asked him to sleep with me. I don’t understand what your problem is.

And I’m sorry to have wasted all your time and effort, because I cannot report him. I’ve made up my mind. I cannot ruin the life of someone that I think I love. He’s a nice man. I’m not going to report him.

You need to speak to a theraphist soon because you are making confusing assumptions i.e. making yourself attractive to a man but not wanting to sleep with the man. You have to understand that they are connected. What did you expect to happen when you lead him on? Are you now saying after ONE YEAR OF SEX you didn’t want the ONE YEAR OF SEX? Go speak to someone soon.

Anonymous wrote:
And I’m sorry to have wasted all your time and effort, because I cannot report him. I’ve made up my mind. I cannot ruin the life of someone that I think I love. He’s a nice man. I’m not going to report him.

A ‘nice’ man that initiated a sexual relationship with a then 14 year old. Not my definition of nice.

I looked up the meaning of “lead on” in the urban dictionary and saw that my language grasp is bad. I thought leading on means flirting.

You’re supposed to be helpful and help, not mean

Anonymous wrote:
And I’m sorry to have wasted all your time and effort, because I cannot report him. I’ve made up my mind. I cannot ruin the life of someone that I think I love. He’s a nice man. I’m not going to report him.

As I said earlier, he will probably lose his career and move away because of all the press that will go along with it, but he will have life after this. He will find somewhere else to work where he’s not sleeping with 14 year-olds and he will live his life. It will be hard for him at first, but life will go on, this isn’t a death sentence. If you tell someone, he will be away from other girls who have crushes on him! I can’t make you do anything, but I urge you to tell someone for the sake of all the girls that will come after you if you haven’t. Sleeping with students isn’t something that just stops.

The Statistics of Teacher sexual abuse to Students:
http://www.cpiu.us/statistics-2/

-The best estimate is that 15% of students will be sexually abused by a member of the school staff during their school career.
-Though, when the American Association of University Women Foundation surveyed more than 1,600 students in eighth through 11th grade, 25 percent of the girls and 10 percent of the boys who said they had been harassed or abused said the harasser was a school employee.
-The number of K-12 public and private school students in 1996 who have been or will be sexually abused by a member of the school staff is nearly 7 million of 51,331,000.
-Between 1% and 5% of teachers sexually abuse or harass students.
-At least a quarter of all school districts in the United States have dealt with a case of staff sexual abuse in the past ten years.
-Most cases of sexual abuse of students by teachers are never reported.
-In nearly half of the cases, suspects were accused of abusing more than one student.
-Only two cases were cases of false accusations; less than 1 percent of the cases studied.
-No type of school was immune to abuse: public or private, religious or secular, rich or poor, urban or rural.
-Responses to Allegations of Sexual Abuse of Students by Staff
38.7% of the teachers resigned, left the district, or retired
-17.5% were spoken to informally
-15% were terminated or not re-hired
-11.3% received a formal verbal or written reprimand
-8.1% were suspended and then resumed teaching
-7.5% were cases where the superintendent determined that the teacher hadn’t meant -to sexually abuse
-Of the nearly 54% of abusers who resigned, weren’t rehired, retired, or were terminated, superintendents reported that 16% were teaching in other schools and that they didn’t know what had happened to the other 84%. All but 1% of these teachers retained their teaching license.

In the UK the law bears down heavily on male teachers who abuse female students and tends to be a bit lighter on female teachers who abuse male students but can be just as harsh on female teachers who abuse female students. Female students are always seen as being more vulnerable. There are stories of boys becoming suicidal, alcoholic, drug users and criminals due to the ordeal of being abused by older female teachers. Somehow people perceive being abused by a female teacher when a boy as a ‘fun’ and harmless thing.

It is as bad for boys as it is for girls.

He would definitely get a custodial sentence in the UK because the relationship was initiated when the minor was 14. He would be on the sex offenders register for life with absolutely no prospect of ever working in schools and be off limits to many industries.

His life would be ruined but then again, that was his decision when he started it.

Anonymous wrote:
In the UK the law bears down heavily on male teachers who abuse female students and tends to be a bit lighter on female teachers who abuse male students but can be just as harsh on female teachers who abuse female students. Female students are always seen as being more vulnerable. There are stories of boys becoming suicidal, alcoholic, drug users and criminals due to the ordeal of being abused by older female teachers. Somehow people perceive being abused by a female teacher when a boy as a ‘fun’ and harmless thing.

It is as bad for boys as it is for girls.

He would definitely get a custodial sentence in the UK because the relationship was initiated when the minor was 14. He would be on the sex offenders register for life with absolutely no prospect of ever working in schools and be off limits to many industries.

His life would be ruined but then again, that was his decision when he started it.

That isn’t completely true, I remember a huge news story from a few years ago about a female teacher being imprisoned and put on the sex offender register for sleeping with a male student, and another from just a year or two ago when a woman workinv in a nursery was imprisoned. The law is just as tough on women, it’s just not as common.

And Anon, I can’t help but feel you should report this man, especially if the reason for not reporting him is because he’d make you feel guilty. He’s only 23, he has plenty of time to build his life back up.

[quote TranquilTempest
That isn’t completely true, I remember a huge news story from a few years ago about a female teacher being imprisoned and put on the sex offender register for sleeping with a male student, and another from just a year or two ago when a woman workinv in a nursery was imprisoned. The law is just as tough on women, it’s just not as common.

Female teachers are being imprisioned in the UK but the sentences are always harsher on the male abusers than the females abusers this is something gender equality activitists are fighting against. Yes they do imprison female offenders in the UK but not for as long a period and sometimes female abusers get non custodial sentences. This happens sometimes in the States too.

The sexual abuse of a female minor by a male adults is always considered worst.

well, we’ll see where this leaves you 2 years from now.

“The sexual abuse of a female minor by a male adults is always considered worst.” maybe to you, but from what I’ve heard of men who’ve been raped, it’s just as bad.

Dr. Jackson wrote:
“The sexual abuse of a female minor by a male adults is always considered worst.” maybe to you, but from what I’ve heard of men who’ve been raped, it’s just as bad.

Just goes to show nobody can understand what anybody is saying on this website. If you read my post, I have said again and again it is considered worst but it is just as bad. The judges tend to give harsher sentences to men who sexually abuse girls than to women who sexually abuse boys.

Both forms are equally damaging.

if you feel that its your fault as well, you wouldnt want to jepordize his life. if it has been going on for that long, then you obviously know what you were getting into and did not mind it going on

So we’re going to blame EVERYONE but the man himself are we? He’s not in control of is own actions? I don’t care how much she ‘egged him on’, she could have shown up to after school hours completely starkers and that wouldn’t change the fact that he did it. She has responsibility, and so does he. Does he stand to lose everything? Yes. Should he? YES! When you rob a bank, do you stand to lose everything? Yep. Do you know that going into the situation? Yes, yes you do, and we as citizens expect that a robber is punished for their crimes. This is no different…. well, perhaps it’s a bit different. Things that are stolen from a bank can be replaced, but the OP? This will always be a part of her life. She will always be punished, even if it is in her own mind, for the silly crush she had on a teacher when she was fourteen. A teacher who acted on her feelings: took advantage of them before she was even old enough to understand them herself. I’m only 17, and I have very often been told that I am very mature for my age, and even I didn’t get a good concept of my feelings, how it is appropriate to act on them, and my place in the world until very recently. When I was 14, I was clueless, and so was the OP.

She DOES have responsibility, yes. She has a thinking brain, and she made a gigantic mistake. She did. But this man is a TEACHER. A high school teacher. Is this the sort of man we want teaching youth? The kind of man who will without a second thought start up a hidden sexual relationship with a 14 year old? Yes, his life will be ruined, but guess what else? He made his choice a long time ago. He threw his own life away.

The only people I am concerned about right now are the other high school girls who follow this one. If I had the power, I’d burn his license to teach myself.

If this situation is as you say it is..

You are BOTH in the wrong.

However, at your age, you are legally considered not to be in a position to recognise that wrong.

Him?

He would know EXACTLY what he was doing.

If I had my way, I’d haul you both over the coals for bringing the profession into disrepute.

My personal opinion based solely upon what I have read here at help.com.

So.. going to put it right OP or not?

mumstheword wrote:
So.. going to put it right OP or not?

Just to update. In the post she is going to report him but just wants our ‘advice’ but then again more recently, she is not going to report him (cos he’s a ‘nice man’.

Anonymous wrote:
And I’m sorry to have wasted all your time and effort, because I cannot report him. I’ve made up my mind. I cannot ruin the life of someone that I think I love. He’s a nice man. I’m not going to report him.

Yep.. I know. I read that.

Mission accomplished.

mumstheword wrote:
Yep.. I know. I read that.

I know YOU know.

Is it Easter break for schools in the US?

I am not a teacher but I have morals. I lived in an apartment complex when I was 22 and looked 18 and every 13 to 15 year old girl there wanted me to drag them up to my room and show them what love was all about. It took a lot of restraint even though I knew it was wrong. I stayed away from the jailbait. Your teacher has a virtual onslaught of young coming of age girls that are fantasizing about him. He has no restraint. At the very least he should never teach again, really he belongs in a cage.

How do so many people not consider this rape? IT IS!!! If the man had sex with an 18 year old and in the middle of it she said “NO” you would all be calling him a rapist… yet somehow this is okay. GET REAL! She is a child whom society has decided does not have the ability to choose if she should drink or smoke or have sex. He is a criminal.

Could well be anon.

The law does not equal morality or truth, it never did, and I doubt it ever will.

I think that at 15 you have at least enough sense to consent to a sexual act. Whether or not you are going to be entirely mature about it, who knows. Maturity isn’t a line in the sand. I know people I still think should be celibate they are so stupid and they are well up their in age.

I don’t think its right to report your teacher. I think the law compels you to, but I do not think its right. If you two consented to having relations with eachother, then I think you know that he did nothing wrong and frankly, neither did you.

But society is warped and twisted into odd little phobias and fears and mobs of morality police. They want to make everything about numbers, about shallow little facts that can hardly capture who you are and what you did.

It sickens me, it sickens me to the core.

Snar wrote:
The law does not equal morality or truth, it never did, and I doubt it ever will.

I think that at 15 you have at least enough sense to consent to a sexual act. Whether or not you are going to be entirely mature about it, who knows. Maturity isn’t a line in the sand. I know people I still think should be celibate they are so stupid and they are well up their in age.

I don’t think its right to report your teacher. I think the law compels you to, but I do not think its right. If you two consented to having relations with eachother, then I think you know that he did nothing wrong and frankly, neither did you.

But society is warped and twisted into odd little phobias and fears and mobs of morality police. They want to make everything about numbers, about shallow little facts that can hardly capture who you are and what you did.

It sickens me, it sickens me to the core.

So Snar, what age should a GROWN man draw the line at since you think a 14 year old girl is okay?

Pretend you are 40 and you have a 14 year old daughter… been there done that. A 14 year old girl is an idiot that thinks she is smarter than you and more mature than everyone just because she has boobs. Oh, and a mouth like a sailor.

Plus you are just “OLD” and don’t understand. Right, because I never went through puberty.

[sigh]

To me, this is so cut-and-dried.

The girl:

She was “more or less” fourteen. She was attracted to her teacher, and let that fact be known. She flirted. She wanted to explore those feelings, and she went to a man she had been led to believe -by her parents, the school district, and society at large- she could trust.

He was “more or less” 22. He had a teaching position, and was well aware of the responsibilities of that position. He knew he was supposed to take care of this girl, and he knew that our American mores forbid having sex with her.

Whether or not it would have been acceptable elsewhere or in the past is irrelevant. Today, it is illegal. He broke the law, and he ignored the standards he was supposed to uphold.

Therefore, he should not be allowed to teach or hold any position that involves people who are considered too young for consent. Period.

If we compare it to anything else, it becomes more obvious, maybe?

Blow up one family of tourists = no more dynamite for you!
Drop one newborn baby = no more jobs in pediatric nursing.

This man is not suitable to be a teacher of teenage girls. Someone needs to tell him that in no uncertain terms.

This girl needs some professional help to deal with the effects of a secret relationship with an adult that has changed her life. And the best way for her to get that help (along with a pregnancy test and tests for the various STDs he may have) is to tell everyone the truth.

She can’t live with this secret forever. Eventually it’s going to become public, and then the consequences for him may be much worse; particularly if there are other girls involved by then.

Have we thought about the consiquences to her if she reports it?
There will be bullying from clasmates, she needs to be prepared for that.
In 30 yrs time, she will still be the girl that had a relationship with her teacher, that stuff stays with you forever.

How will the parents react? Supportive or blame you?

Snar wrote:
The law does not equal morality or truth, it never did, and I doubt it ever will.

I think that at 15 you have at least enough sense to consent to a sexual act. Whether or not you are going to be entirely mature about it, who knows. Maturity isn’t a line in the sand. I know people I still think should be celibate they are so stupid and they are well up their in age.

I don’t think its right to report your teacher. I think the law compels you to, but I do not think its right. If you two consented to having relations with eachother, then I think you know that he did nothing wrong and frankly, neither did you.

But society is warped and twisted into odd little phobias and fears and mobs of morality police. They want to make everything about numbers, about shallow little facts that can hardly capture who you are and what you did.

It sickens me, it sickens me to the core.

Thank you, Snar.

BuckingFastard (J.N) wrote:
Have we thought about the consiquences to her if she reports it?

I guess I just don’t understand why no one is even giving future students of this man a single thought. She made her choice, and so did he. And I can tell you that there are many girls down the line that will be affected by this man if he is allowed to keep his job. There will be other 14 years olds who will have school girl crushes on this man, and they also will be taken advantage of. Why in the world are we even questioning for a moment whether this man should keep his job? Why? I hope… oh, how I hope this girl has the courage to make things right. To not only stop the terrible cycle that she has been drawn into (lying, hiding, manipulation), but to end it before other manipulatable girls down the line are drawn into this spider web.

SlightlyUnique wrote:
If there were fair punishments for this type of thing then i would agree that he should be punished.

But there aren’t.

HE can expect to lose his job, his family, his house, his career, his friends. Simply put EVERYTHING. Quite simply you might as well shoot him as his entire life will be over.

SHE can expect to be labeled, quizzed, made to feel that she was the victim and it was all his fault (through careful coaching), and will end up truely believing that she is a victim. (With all the baggage that entails). Her life will be irrovacbly changed.

Yes, she will be MADE to feel that she was the victim, just as she is being made to feel here!

SlightlyUnique wrote:
The law states that the age of consent is 16. In other places its 18. In still others its 21. In yet others its 14. It’s a figure that is mandated by tradition, law, religion and a whole raft of other facts. Who says when an INDIVIDUAL is responsible? We use a blanket figure because there is no other way, and that figure changes from state to state let alone country to country. You are damning a man we don’t know based on a mistake, a figure which alters depending where you live, and a pile of conjecture.

Yes, these are real live people, not statistics. WE WERE NOT THERE.

SlightlyUnique wrote:
Why is it that suddenly everyone here is so pure that they would NEVER contemplate such a thing? We are human. We get it wrong. Look at history and look at the honest mistakes that have destroyed otherwise good people?

Yes.

Unwritten. wrote:
if you feel that its your fault as well, you wouldnt want to jepordize his life. if it has been going on for that long, then you obviously know what you were getting into and did not mind it going on

Victims almost always believe it’s all their fault. Look it up if you don’t believe me.

The point of all of this is to KEEP HIM AWAY FROM FUTURE CHILDREN. Who cares if his life is harder? HE made it so! What if this girl lives in YOUR town? She could, you know. Her pedophile teacher could be teaching YOUR kid right now or in the future. He’s JUST started his career and he ALREADY slept with a FOURTEEN year old?? I can’t even comprehend why anyone would say to not turn him in. I can’t even believe that you people have no regard for the girls statistics show he WILL be raping in the future. I’m disgusted with you all.

And Poster? Those girls’ rapes will be on you. You have the power to warn them, and if you don’t, you are indirectly responsible. They’re innocent. Your teacher isn’t.

Coming from a girl who knows someone who fell victim to a teacher who should’ve been reported long ago.

Anonymous wrote:
And I’m sorry to have wasted all your time and effort, because I cannot report him. I’ve made up my mind. I cannot ruin the life of someone that I think I love. He’s a nice man. I’m not going to report him.

I hope your decision pans out well. Be aware of your surroundings when you around him. Just be careful. I hope he learned his lesson. Only time will tell. Stay safe.

Lady Logical wrote:

BuckingFastard (J.N) wrote:
Have we thought about the consiquences to her if she reports it?

I guess I just don’t understand why no one is even giving future students of this man a single thought. She made her choice, and so did he. And I can tell you that there are many girls down the line that will be affected by this man if he is allowed to keep his job. There will be other 14 years olds who will have school girl crushes on this man, and they also will be taken advantage of. Why in the world are we even questioning for a moment whether this man should keep his job? Why? I hope… oh, how I hope this girl has the courage to make things right. To not only stop the terrible cycle that she has been drawn into (lying, hiding, manipulation), but to end it before other manipulatable girls down the line are drawn into this spider web.

she sounds like a pretty mature teenager, this isn’t an 8 yr old kid that’s been raped, she consented, even initiated, yes i don’t disagree that he did wrong, he should of said no, but she shouldn’t of made a move, they’re both in the wrong.

She isn’t even accusing him of abusing her, she’s just p1ssed that she has to keep it secret.

Let me give it a different perspective.

A father and mother send their daring little girl to school for an education with the hopes and dreams that her loving personality, non prejudice character will open up the world for her. Some dude that passes some academic tests is permitted to teacher her skills so she may pursue university, travel the world and live life to the fullest if she wishes.

She comes home stating she’s sick every morning after a selfish, has no social life adult knocks her up on recess. Her childhood gone. Her friends abandon her….

He should do the honorable thing and it a gun!

Sorry dear for being harsh..you’ll understand when you have your own daughter and she bounces into the house all excited about her prom, some date with a new boy or a new friend she just met. Laughing and gigging with her friends.

Instead….you’ll be hoping for a good counselor and wishing for peace.

I’m soooo sad this happen, but I want you to know that absolutely…..regardless of ANYTHING or ANYBODY that tells you otherwise…NONE of this is you FAULT.
Not even a little bit…period.

BuckingFastard (J.N) wrote:

Lady Logical wrote:

BuckingFastard (J.N) wrote:
Have we thought about the consiquences to her if she reports it?

I guess I just don’t understand why no one is even giving future students of this man a single thought. She made her choice, and so did he. And I can tell you that there are many girls down the line that will be affected by this man if he is allowed to keep his job. There will be other 14 years olds who will have school girl crushes on this man, and they also will be taken advantage of. Why in the world are we even questioning for a moment whether this man should keep his job? Why? I hope… oh, how I hope this girl has the courage to make things right. To not only stop the terrible cycle that she has been drawn into (lying, hiding, manipulation), but to end it before other manipulatable girls down the line are drawn into this spider web.

she sounds like a pretty mature teenager, this isn’t an 8 yr old kid that’s been raped, she consented, even initiated, yes i don’t disagree that he did wrong, he should of said no, but she shouldn’t of made a move, they’re both in the wrong.

She isn’t even accusing him of abusing her, she’s just p1ssed that she has to keep it secret.

NO
NO
I’m sorry you have this opinion too:(
This my dear is the opinion of someone that has been abused too:(

At the end of the day, if the poster is telling the truth, the manner in which it is dealt with will not be any thing like it is being dealth with now on this website.

Some of us are of the opinion that this post is a troll post. If she reports it, it will be fully investigated and proper questions will be asked. If she is telling the truth, she will be offered protection and not be exposed to a lot of the issues you state. Very often, girls are given private tuition as a means of getting a good education to help them towards their futures. This is well documented. She may not suffer the bullying from classmates, indeed, they may not know why Mr X left the school.

Her immediate concern should be her own welfare. There may be compensation awarded to her and support for her learning which may have been hindered by the alleged affair and of course professional counselling.

At present all we have are her allegations, there is no proof. If she can prove what is going on, she will be in a much better position telling the truth and gaining access to resources to improve her future. It is for that reason she should report it, i.e. FOR HERSELF FIRST and then for other girls he may abuse in the future.

Nobody protected her against this man, so she should put herself and her interests first.

I apologize sincerely if I offended as I get very emotional when I hear even a little bit of an excuse for these pigs and the people that claim the victim has some responsibility. Like the girl raped, but she worn her skirt too short. We are not animals.

Ya I thought it may be a troll too…but the replies are what they are.
Thank you.

Max wrote:
Ya I thought it may be a troll too…but the replies are what they are.
Thank you.

Troll or no troll post, some of the views expressed on this website i.e. a 14 year old victim of child abuse is at fault for her abuse is disgraceful. The internet is a most unsuitable forum for discussing these issues when they relate to yourself.

The poster may be someone older who was once a victim and has decided to write this post from her past perspective as a 15 year old girl. There is a maturity in her writing or as I have stated above, she is a writer looking for angles for a narrative.

Something doesn’t quite add up does it?

She did initiate the relationship, but not the sex. I was a huge flirt when I was the same age, but that didn’t mean I wanted sex from the guys I flirted with. If they wanted a relationship, fair enough, but he shoud have waited until she was older before taking her to bed. If he’s so bad at resisting girls coming on to him, a high school is the wrong environment for him to be in.

If we took a vote, I’m sure that over 99 percent of the respondents would say that a 23-year-old teacher should not be having sex with one of his 14-year-old female students.

It would be bad enough if he were a non-teacher who just lived next door. But he was her teacher, and he was expected uphold certain moral principles, and to obey the law.

Fourteen-year-old girls and boys cannot sign contracts. They cannot vote. They cannot buy booze or cigarettes. They cannot legally consent to sex in all but the most redneck jurisdictions, because society knows that 14-year-olds just do NOT have the maturity, knowledge, and experience to make an informed decision about sex.

And if you took a vote among just PARENTS, you’d get a virtual 100 percent agreement that sex between teachers and students was dead wrong–and should be punished. We don’t send our kids to school to have them initiated into sex by a teacher. We expect the teachers to watch out for them. We expect the teachers to resist even the MOST DETERMINED attempts at “seduction.”

Think about it: you have kids coming of age, their hormones raging, and there are young men and women put in charge of them . . . and naturally these kids are going to develop crushes on and affections for a number of these teachers. Do we grant the teachers a “pass” because a kid came onto them? Of course not! The kids really don’t know what they are doing–but the adults do.

Teachers, doctors, pastors and members of other professions all KNOW that certain people are going to be mesmerized by them and will want to have sex with them. The good ones know how to handle these crushes–the immoral ones take advantage of those who admire and adore them.

This teacher needs to go. He has proved that he cannot be trusted. A romp in the hay with a female student means more to him than his professional ethics and observance of the law. No, the law is not perfect–but it was enacted for situations just like this. If there is no penalty for violating the trust of others, then you will get the behavior that you tolerate. It’s that simple.

You have to ask yourself why this teacher was focused on teeny-boppers. He obviously didn’t impress women of his own age. He may have had some girlfriends, but they obviously dropped him in short order. So he turned his attention to females that he could overawe and impress–girls who had just entered puberty.

No, he’s not a “nice man” and he’s far from being an innocent player. Left in the school system, he’s going to play a big part in ruining some young women’s lives–just like a pedophile priest left in the church will continue to abuse young boys.

Evil succeeds when good men–or good women–do nothing.

Max wrote:
I apologize sincerely if I offended as I get very emotional when I hear even a little bit of an excuse for these pigs and the people that claim the victim has some responsibility. Like the girl raped, but she worn her skirt too short. We are not animals.

I don’t think a girl wearing a short skirt & being raped can be compared to this.
It can never be someones fault to be raped, no blame can be put on the victim, but this isn’t the same case here, she wasn’t raped, she isn’t trying to say she was, she isn’t actually saying he forced her into anything, she did it willingly, he didn’t groom her, she made her own choice.

There was a time when it was normal for a 14 yr old to be married & having children.

Just to give some perspective, during the time when it was normal for 14 year old women to be married, it was also normal for people to buy and sell human slaves. It was legal to buy women slaves from their families and brand them. Slave women had no legal protection against rape. Women in general had few rights. They could not vote or attend college, and they weren’t the ones writing the history books that inform our distorted perceptions of what life was like in those times.

women don’t have rights now, they get old and their husbands throw them away like they are worthless, they rape them and abuse them and no one cares

Anonymous wrote:
women don’t have rights now, they get old and their husbands throw them away like they are worthless, they rape them and abuse them and no one cares

depends on where you are talking about. if you are speaking of the Unite States, then this is quite untrue

this is Massachusetts
It is call “NO FAULT DIVORCE” women that are older are in big trouble the lawyers and the judges are taking advantage of older women The men are abusing the females
the women get nothing. They rape their wives

and this is reality.
Come to it. We have cookies.

Lady Logical wrote:
and this is reality.
Come to it. We have cookies.

*Puts hand in cookie jar*

In this “no fault ” you lose all your right, it is like being raped all over again.
I was a women that was raped when I was young, as a very young child when I told the person I trusted he raped me ( my husband) I can tell you I never got over it, I relive this every day
Just so you know my husband is a teacher

Out of interest…

I watched a documentary last night. It was about 14 and 15 year old boys - who had committed armed robbery, boasted about their weaponry and bravado on facebook, threatened the judge at their trial with “taking his wife’s head off”.. One of the “girlfriends” had a hissy fit in court too and threatened much the same.

Now.

Why oh why do we presume that teenage girls are always sweet and innocent?

And am I and anon the only ones to have read, re-read and read again this OP’s words and come to the conclusion that all is very definitely NOT as it seems?

However, for the sake of those out there that are genuinely in such troublesome situations my advice is simple.

Your teacher should always be just a teacher.

Anything more and you are in a bad place. Sort it out.

And teachers…

Your students should always be just students. Anything more and you are in a bad place. Sort it out. Also, make sure you have good union representation ready for the day they decide to let loose the dogs of hell on your reputation “just because”.

mumstheword wrote:
Out of interest…

I watched a documentary last night. It was about 14 and 15 year old boys - who had committed armed robbery, boasted about their weaponry and bravado on facebook, threatened the judge at their trial with “taking his wife’s head off”.. One of the “girlfriends” had a hissy fit in court too and threatened much the same.

Now.

Why oh why do we presume that teenage girls are always sweet and innocent?

And am I and anon the only ones to have read, re-read and read again this OP’s words and come to the conclusion that all is very definitely NOT as it seems?

However, for the sake of those out there that are genuinely in such troublesome situations my advice is simple.

Your teacher should always be just a teacher.

Anything more and you are in a bad place. Sort it out.

And teachers…

Your students should always be just students. Anything more and you are in a bad place. Sort it out. Also, make sure you have good union representation ready for the day they decide to let loose the dogs of hell on your reputation “just because”.

Dear MumsTheWord, love the comment you have just made. Spot on! Can you tell me what programme it was you saw last night because I’d love to see it i.e. channel and time. Thanks Anon.

Part of the Criminal Britain series I believe anon.. BBC Three?

It had me hunting and reading some very interesting perspectives from the HO archives on Tackling Youth Crime, particularly how the notion of doli incapax often flies in the face of common sense.

I’m all for bringing in the “Common Sense shall prevail” law myself.

It was called “our crime” anon.

Lady Logical wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
women don’t have rights now, they get old and their husbands throw them away like they are worthless, they rape them and abuse them and no one cares

depends on where you are talking about. if you are speaking of the Unite States, then this is quite untrue

Na, i agree with anon, doesn’t even matter if it’s in the USA or not, it still happens.

mumstheword wrote:
Part of the Criminal Britain series I believe anon.. BBC Three?

It had me hunting and reading some very interesting perspectives from the HO archives on Tackling Youth Crime, particularly how the notion of doli incapax often flies in the face of common sense.

I’m all for bringing in the “Common Sense shall prevail” law myself.

Will check this MumstheWord tomorrow. Thanks for this tip. Anon

mumstheword and anonymous, do you do this to all posters? Because if you do you probably scare away more than you help. Victims and people in need need helpers who trust in them, not helpers who constantly find fault with what they say.

Anonymous wrote:
mumstheword and anonymous, do you do this to all posters? Because if you do you probably scare away more than you help. Victims and people in need need helpers who trust in them, not helpers who constantly find fault with what they say.

Hate on ALL of us who tell you to report on him, but continue to love him. There is no happy ending to this sordid affair. The man is totally indecent. He has taken advantage of a young girl. I suspect you are not 15 anymore you are much older and a little wiser. The big question you have to ask yourself poster is why, why, why have you the past two weeks been going over this in your mind? I think because some trauma has triggered it. In your first post you wanted to ‘out’ your romance and tell the world. He didn’t. And you know why? Because he doesn’t value it as much as you. He values his status; his employment, his career, his reputation more than this romance. He obviously saw this has a temporary fling that you would grow out of, whilst you saw it has a life long romance. There is no easy way forward. How can he and you make public progression from being his student/lover to his girlfriend without the world and his wife asking questions? Why after a whole YEAR has it taken you this long to see this? There is no point in expressing anger to cyber people. Express your anger to him your teacher/lover. What a sordid term. He is the root cause of all your depressions, anxieties and fears past, present and future unless you act. He deserves all the pain he and his precious career will suffer. He created it; let him share it with you. Let that be your parting gift to your teacher/lover.

Only after doing this, will you be able to begin the process of moving on and healing yourself.

Why after a whole YEAR has it taken you this long to see this?
————

I think that is just one of the many reasons ADULTS don’t sex children. Obviously the OP wasn’t ready for this…relationship…as an adult would’ve been asking those questions BEFORE sex happened.

Anonymous wrote:
mumstheword and anonymous, do you do this to all posters? Because if you do you probably scare away more than you help. Victims and people in need need helpers who trust in them, not helpers who constantly find fault with what they say.

Some people are best helped with a hug. And some people are best helped with a swift kick in the pants–or the dress. All that matters is that either be done with love.

The worst thing we can do is sanction something that is bad because we are afraid of “offending” someone.

Dragon_Lady wrote:
Why after a whole YEAR has it taken you this long to see this?
————

I think that is just one of the many reasons ADULTS don’t sex children. Obviously the OP wasn’t ready for this…relationship…as an adult would’ve been asking those questions BEFORE sex happened.

That’s if the Op is 15 years old and the relationship is only a year old. There is still the question the Op has to answer for herself and to herself, what is causing her to question this relationship NOW i.e for the past two weeks and for the past two posts. This is not the best forum for this, she needs to speak to a counsellor because she is sending illogical messages out and expects US to help her when she is not telling us the WHOLE story.

In her first post she declares she is a 15 year old girl who wants to ‘out’ a relationship with her 23 year old teacher. She is tired of lying to everyone (but continues to lie to us here on help.com). She is told by some of us to report her teacher, she then discusses this with her ‘teacher/lover’ who bursts into tears. What he does next we are not informed. Whether he is still crying on the spot he was informed, we do not know. Then she asks US for further advice and then declares after some of us tell her to report him again and again and again and again and again that she will not betray the ‘nice’ man she loves and then proceeds to hates on us for bringing to her attention the glaring inconsistencies in her story.

The drama continues……

There is too much assumption going on here

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
mumstheword and anonymous, do you do this to all posters? Because if you do you probably scare away more than you help. Victims and people in need need helpers who trust in them, not helpers who constantly find fault with what they say.

Hate on ALL of us who tell you to report on him, but continue to love him. There is no happy ending to this sordid affair. The man is totally indecent. He has taken advantage of a young girl. I suspect you are not 15 anymore you are much older and a little wiser. The big question you have to ask yourself poster is why, why, why have you the past two weeks been going over this in your mind? I think because some trauma has triggered it. In your first post you wanted to ‘out’ your romance and tell the world. He didn’t. And you know why? Because he doesn’t value it as much as you. He values his status; his employment, his career, his reputation more than this romance. He obviously saw this has a temporary fling that you would grow out of, whilst you saw it has a life long romance. There is no easy way forward. How can he and you make public progression from being his student/lover to his girlfriend without the world and his wife asking questions? Why after a whole YEAR has it taken you this long to see this? There is no point in expressing anger to cyber people. Express your anger to him your teacher/lover. What a sordid term. He is the root cause of all your depressions, anxieties and fears past, present and future unless you act. He deserves all the pain he and his precious career will suffer. He created it; let him share it with you. Let that be your parting gift to your teacher/lover.

Only after doing this, will you be able to begin the process of moving on and healing yourself.

Maybe she is older now, lots of us question things that happened years later, maybe she already reported him & is looking for back up, who knows, all we have is what she’s telling us.

She isn’t/wasn’t a baby, she wasn’t raped, she wasn’t groomed, she wasn’t abducted, she had a crush on an older man when she was under age, her crush went further than fantasizing, it turned into reality, she got what she wanted, what she dreamed about, what she longed for, she doesn’t see it as a mistake, not even now, she’s just p1ssed that it has to be secret, she isn’t mad at him, she doesn’t really want to ruin his life or screw him over, she still wants to be with him.

Every single person that has answered to this post has made a mistake when they were young, a lot of us wish we could turn back time & unmake them, maybe she has made a mistake, maybe she hasn’t, but if she has, she will learn from it.
The teacher has done wrong, yes it is against the law, but he isn’t a rapist, so maybe we should stop getting ready to exicute him for this.

The law should have a different level of illegal, to diferentiate between a man that rapes a child, and a man that has consentual relations with someone that is a bit under the legal age, but was a willing & even instigating party. clearly one of those is a lot more serious than the other.

Something tells me that this teacher would have taken advantage of ANY 14- or 15-year-old girl who foolishly let him know how much she admired him. Not a very discriminating fellow, is he? A 14-year-old girl comes onto him, and he just drops his pants. Wonder what he’d do if he had a chance to raid the coffee fund or if he saw a jewelry store clerk distracted while a 2-carat diamond ring was lying on the counter?

Men shouldn’t become pastors if they cannot resist the lonely wives in the congregation who want to have sex with them, and they shouldn’t become teachers if they cannot resist some 14-year-old teeny bopper with a crush on them.

There are many applicants every year for teaching jobs. Surely we don’t need to be keeping teachers who have sex with underage kids when there are so many willing replacements standing in line.

And Bubba in the local prison could probably use a new girlfriend, and guys who have sex with kids supposedly make the best prison “girlfriends.”

Amen Chevy Jim, he needs Bubba to give him a taste of what taking advantage of people for sex is all about. I think he will not like it so much when he is the one being taken advantage of. It would do him some good.

Dr. Ralph wrote:
Amen Chevy Jim, he needs Bubba to give him a taste of what taking advantage of people for sex is all about. I think he will not like it so much when he is the one being taken advantage of. It would do him some good.

With any luck he’ll end up in the cell with the “Booty Bandit,” the guy the guards in this one prison used to send their “disciplinary problems” to. One prisoner had the nasty habit of spitting on the guards. So they put this guy in the same cell with the “Booty Bandit.” The guards listened to his screams and pleas for mercy all through the night. No one came to his aid. In the morning, he was a “changed man.” He never gave any trouble after that.

Too bad more guys who like to have sex with underage kids don’t consider that they’ll spending time with a “Booty Bandit” in prison!

” I made this post because I wanted my friends to know what I’ve been up to. Up until now, I didn’t consider what I was doing as wrong. I just wanted my friends to know that I’ve been seeing the history teacher”

I guess you’ve shown all your friends your posts then?

You can hate me all you want honey it doesn’t change a thing. Does it?

So, let’s have some straight facts from you so that we can be sure we are giving the best online advice here..

How old are you?
What country/state are you in?
What help do you want from us here at help.com?

BuckingFastard (J.N) wrote:

Lady Logical wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
women don’t have rights now, they get old and their husbands throw them away like they are worthless, they rape them and abuse them and no one cares

depends on where you are talking about. if you are speaking of the United States, then this is quite untrue

Na, i agree with anon, doesn’t even matter if it’s in the USA or not, it still happens.

There is quite a difference between it happening and it being a universal occurance, as anon’s comment implies. A large majority of relationships in the US do not include women not having rights.

men or women who have sex with children or student no matter what there age (4 or5 or 22) as long as you are a student nothing should happen between teachers and students. too many are doing wrong
men of 23 should know better

50% of all marriages end in divorce
Older people divorce rate is vary high now
No fail divorce is the worse thing that can happen because the spouse doesn’t have any rights I know as I am geting a divorced and I don’t want it
but the state says he has the rght to divorce me anyway, my rights are gone
He is an old fool and I thinkhe is mentally ill. If he is,the state doesn’t let them get a divorce but they won’t test him to see if he is ill and they should have all older people tested that are divorcing at this age

Anonymous wrote:
men or women who have sex with children or student no matter what there age (4 or5 or 22) as long as you are a student nothing should happen between teachers and students. too many are doing wrong
men of 23 should know better

I had a relationship with my teacher, i was 23/24 he was in his 50’s.
The age limit for sex in the uk where i live is 16, so i was 7 or 8 yrs above the age limit.
Why is this wrong?
I was a willing party, so was he.

were you his student at the time?
Then it was wrong It goes along the same as sleeping with your boss also wrong

Anonymous wrote:
were you his student at the time?
Then it was wrong It goes along the same as sleeping with your boss also wrong

Agreed, if you were his student at the time and if the lecturer was professional he should have informed the college/university that he was having intimate relations with a student and someone independent should have been assigned to assess all your work and write all your reports.

on the news today story about another teacher and a student This teacher will end up going to jail

Reply 200!
Sorry had to.

Anonymous wrote:
were you his student at the time?
Then it was wrong It goes along the same as sleeping with your boss also wrong

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
were you his student at the time?
Then it was wrong It goes along the same as sleeping with your boss also wrong

Agreed, if you were his student at the time and if the lecturer was professional he should have informed the college/university that he was having intimate relations with a student and someone independent should have been assigned to assess all your work and write all your reports.

Yes, i was his student at the time, only one or two classes a week, he also took a night class that i atended.
He wasn’t married, neither was I.
He didn’t mark my work, there was no grade cheating involved.
Towards the end other people did know, other tutors and students.

BuckingFastard (J.N) wrote:
He didn’t mark my work, there was no grade cheating involved.

This would be a grey area. If there even could be a perception of unfair grading practices, it definitely would be unethical even if both are adults.

Mariam* wrote:

BuckingFastard (J.N) wrote:
He didn’t mark my work, there was no grade cheating involved.

This would be a grey area. If there even could be a perception of unfair grading practices, it definitely would be unethical even if both are adults.

I really don’t see why, as long as there’s no cheating, it shouldn’t matter, i was an adult, old enough to make up my own mind, so was he.
I developed a crush on him, at first i was just fascinated by him & his knowledge, but after a while it became more than that, i really can’t say who instigated it in the first place, but we were both willing parties.
If i could turn back time, i probabally wouldn’t of got with him, but i can’t try to claim he made me do anything, abused me, abused his power or anything along those lines.
If i had met him in a bar it wouldn’t matter at all, so why does it matter that he was a teacher at the place i was a student?
He’s only a teacher when he’s there, i was only a student when i was there, when we were out of there we were just us, not a student & teacher.

So has the poster decided ultimately what shes gonna do?

She seemed to be going with not reporting him.

Now another girl will pay the price

Anonymous wrote:
Now another girl will pay the price

maybe not, there’#s no guarantees, besides, it’s not fair to lay that guilt on her.

I don’t think it’s fair to lay that guilt on her either. She’s been victimised, and led to truly believe this man loves her. She doesn’t even believe he’s done anything wrong. She’s also been told she’d be branded a **** if she reported him. Would you blame rape victims for not coming forward too?

I didn’t come forward until I realized he was raping some one else, Then I told someone who would help me help her. He is dead and I didn’t cry. He was my grandfather and I still hate him for what he did to me. I wasn’t 6 years old