It’s 5 in the morning and i’m trying to work on an art project, but i keep going back to my old journals and reading entries from years ago.
it’s so hard to put an old diary down. the state of mind i was in when i wrote some of those entries is so fresh to me when i read them again, like memories recalled as if they were yesterday. it’s kind of beautiful and scary at the same time. I ended up crying.
it’s so fascinating to read who i was back then, only a couple years ago i was in such a different stage of life. there was a lot more struggle, a lot more ugliness in the world that i had to deal with and it’s strange looking back on my former self. i feel sorry for her. i wish i could give her a hug and tell her it’s going to be all right. i want to help her - no one should have to deal with that alone. i feel a sense of pride in what she fought through and overcame. the violent passions that reigned during those years almost makes me a bit queasy to think about.
so much change has happened since then. it’s like i’m reading someone else’s novel and when i reach the point where the character triumphs, finds happiness and peace, i’m so relieved. love, happiness, beauty, i’m almost overwhelmed knowing that i’ve found them after all that. i am so grateful, so determined to make sure i’ll never lose it.
my boyfriend wakes from the sound of the music i’m playing and comes to check on me. i kiss him and tell him that’s i’m grateful for everything he’s done, for the incredible friend he always was to me, and i tell him truthfully that he is the light of my life. he gave me hope for humanity, for the future, even in god. and i’ll never forget that. you should never forget that. that’s why i’m madly in love with him after 2 years of dating and why i’ll be in love with him until the day i die.
don’t ever forget who you were and how you came to be the person you are today. don’t ever forget the good people in your life who have loved you and helped you become a better person. don’t despair that it won’t ever get better. don’t let fear prevent you from finding happiness.
(my thoughts just need to be shared right now. thanks for reading.)
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