This post left anonymously
Am I a sadist?
I get pleasure from the sight of blood and I crave seeing it all the time. I get a thrill from manipulating and overpowering people. There are more things, but the fact that makes me think I might not be is the fact that I hate it. I don’t find amusement from it, I just get a rush and pleasure from it, but I am disgusted by it. I don’t commit anything that makes me do these things, I dedicate my life to trying to help people because I also have a overwhelming unconditional care for others. It’s so conflicting and its slowly destroying me because part of me thinks that my core is sadistic, but I just want to be good. I want to be a good person and I don’t want people to feel pain I don’t want to be a component of that. But my fantasies don’t stop. Can I still love and care and still be sadist. The more innocent and good a person is the harder it is for me to fantasize about hurting them. And if being good is possible for me how do I live with this inner evil. I don’t want to hurt, but the cravings are so strong and its really taking a toll of my health. The more I try to prevent it the worst I get, especially since I have no positive focus like anyone to help right now. Please help, am I really a monster if I truly don’t want to be.
Since writing this post Anonymous may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days.
Invite Others to Help
A logged in and verified Help.com member has the ability to setup a Friends List and invite others to help with posts.