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Don’t know why I self-harm, scared I could be attention-seeking without knowing it?
I’m 15, and the first time I self harmed I was about 11… It only really became a regular thing when I was about 13… But I’m not sure why? Because although I’ll feel bad before I do it and feel like that feeling triggers it and is alleviated by it, it’s not like a particularly traumatic event triggered it and I’m not even usually crying when I do it… Like I was being bullied when I started, but I never really linked the two facts…
Now my school have found out, and having been asked by the pastoral team why I do it, I realise I’m not sure, so I told them it was all the exams, which it could be in part. I used to try to hide it from everyone, but now I only really bother around the family, and they know from school now anyway.
The thing is, about seven of my close friends know. Generally I’ve only told the ones who saw my marks and who I couldn’t be bothered lying to…
Recently my best friend called me an attention seeker because so many people know :( she said sorry later, but now I feel really guilty…
Because what if I am attention seeking? Because I don’t cry when I do it, and nothing that bad has happened to me…
Generally I feel bad because someone has been mean to me, or because I have a bad relationship with my family, or I’m just stressed about not being good enough. I used to panic when someone saw, and try to hide them, but sometimes I’ve hoped someone would see them in a way… Not to manipulate them, but because I wanted help. Now I’m confused and I feel guilty, and I feel like I’m not as upset about it as I should be because I’ve only cried a few times since school were told… Should I feel guilty? Is it normal to not feel sure what I’m self-harming about? :(
This open post was written 1 year ago | V/U/S: 302, 2, 2 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post
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