If you are contemplating suicide, hurting yourself, or you are seriously depressed: please, seek professional help!
Call this hotline (1-800-273-8255) operated by our friends at the
Suicide Prevention Lifeline, anytime, for free, professional, and
confidential assistance. While other Help.com users are likely to reply
to your post, please make sure you understand that your use of Help.com
falls under our TOS.
Note: I’m a robot that the Help.com staff created. If this response is in error, I apologize, please ignore it.
Wow. I don’t know what to say. It seems you have done everything you can to help her. All I can say for sure is you must love her ALOT. Do you know what caused her problems with depression, etc.? Where it all started?
justanoldtiredfatlaz changed the tags on this post: they were "DOG, Blue, marriage, Jewellery, suicide, art, City, Eye color, love, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder" 2 years, 8 months ago.
justanoldtiredfatlaz changed the tags on this post: they were "bi-polar, depression, marriage, commit suicide, suicide, art, City, survivers, love, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, divorce" 2 years, 8 months ago.
I wish I knew what the “cause” is/was. She’s been to about….a dozen (at least) Doctors, they don’t know. They just talk and throw pills at her. I do love her.
Is there a possibility that she was neglected as a child and may be doing all this for attention? I am not judging her or making assumptions, I’m just asking.
It’s possible that her actions are her way of wanting to make a change. It sounds like you would like to stay in the relationship but her behavior is keeping you at a distance. If she is acting in a dangerious or life-threating way, then the children need to be taken into consideration first. If she is willing, seek out a respected councelor. She has to recognize that there is a problem and wants to change. If she won’t go, then you need to. Your choices may look grim at this point but someone has to make the first move. Staying on this road is self-destructive.
I agree with a lot of what you said old531. We do have councelors, actually have an appointment today. She does recognize there is a problem, but as you likely know, depression is a wierd bug. For her pills have helped but never for very long and not helped much. I do think she WANTS change, but she has been trying for years, a decade actually. Mitzy, her childhood was fine. I’ve known her all of my life. I actually remember when she was born (I’m only about 4-1/2 years older). Healhty childhood, great parents (they are active in our lives), good student, college, affluent, she has ALWAYS been a very pretty and nice person. Old531, she is potentially self destructive. I protect the children. At 12 and 16 they know more about mental illness than most adults. The kids understand her problems are medical problems, even if they manifest themselves as emotion. The kids know it’s not anybody’s fault. And they know we are trying to “fix” the problem. Yes, my chosen path may lead to my own collapse, but I will not fall until my children are off at college, living their lives free from this mess.
I actually know of something that might help and fast. I have an ex-husband with the same issues and he tried recently some biofeedback stuff that has been unbelievable. He is no longer depressed. How is that possible? Beats me. But it worked and my life and my son’s life will improve as a result. Let’s see. I don’t know the exact name of it but he told me to go to consciousmedianetwork.com and listen to some guy named Lee Gerdes on brain state technology. Contact him for someone where you live who does it. It changed my ex in two weeks. I am not kidding and I am not connected to that guy at all.
Of course I have my own issues and probably need to do the work too. My son is currently doing it. Good luck
This account has been deactivated.
Have you ever heard of a co-dependant? It’s someone who ties into someone elses disease and then can get so wrapped up in it they stop living their own life, start to resent the sick one and don’t even know what they are feeling anymore. here are some signs
1 My good feelings about who I am stem from being loved by you
2 My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.
3 Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems or relieving your pain.
4 My mental attention is focused on pleasing you.
5 My mental attention is focused on protecting you.
6 My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems.
7 My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.
8 My own hobbies and interests are put aside. My time is spent sharing your interests and hobbies.
9 Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection of me.
10 Your behavior is dictated by my desires as I feel your are a reflection of me.
Those are just 10. You can find more at http://www.wfrchurch.org/celebraterec… or any other CODA website. this was just a quick google.
Bottom line is if she has you to keep trying to fix her, why should she try? It really is up to her to get and stay well. Just because she has several mental difficulties doesn’t mean she is incapable of dealing with them.
The difficult part is letting her go. Things might get worse before they get better. She may all ready think it’s YOUR job to get her well, so do it, dammit. But it truely is not your job. Your job is to be the best you and have the best life you can have, and from that place be a loving support to her. How can you do that if you are constantly dragged into her bullshit, and in anguish over how she is today? I’d be surprised if a little part of you doesn’t hate her by now for ‘taking’ your life away from you. But know she’s not taking, your giving it and you need to start taking it back. Look after your kids because you need to. Stop saving her. support her, but don’t fix her anymore. And let her know that’s what you’re doing. She knows what to do for her, now you have to figure out what to do for you. Start at a CODA (codependants anonymous) meeting, or website even. Good Luck.
Wow. That kinda hurt, but it felt good at the same time.
How do I do that? I read your profile nainachic; you’ve been there; I really repect your opinion; thank you for the reply. Tell me more? I do know and understand co-dependence. Obviously you know I love her and wnat to help. I know she has to help herself. How? Yes, I do hate what her problems have done to my life, our lives, our children’s lives, her parent’s lives, her sisters’ lives, etc. I want to LIVE! I want to take off and go skiing in Utah, sailing in the Virgin Islands. But hell, I can’t even go to a meeting or a full days work! If I tried to explain that I’m “doing this for her”, she’d just say, “I knew you would eventually leave me”. Then when she was alone she’d start cutting and emptying pill bottles. It would be as if I had pulled the trigger myself! Oh, believe me, I’ve thought about getting her parents, Doctors, sisters, etc. all together to have that discussion. And I felt like I was loading the gun.
I can only share from my own experiences. I do hope you’ll call Codependants Anonymous, though, or even look over their website. I think that REAL hope could exist there for you and your wife.
It seems as though she’s all ready made you completely responsible for her life and her problems. It might initially sound cruel, but she needs to start feeling her own consequences. If you are ALWAYS there to pick up the peices, and sheild her from the full brunt of her actions, how will she ever learn? Make she she’s safe (i.e. in a psych ward if she tries to cut again) and the get your self to a counsellor who specializes in codependance, or to a CODA meeting. I suspect you live in a larger city, so there are bound to be at least one meeting a week. She will NEVER give you permission to live your life. Period. You can and will be stuck in this exact same pattern forever if you do not chose to exit it.
Expect her to be as mad as a wet cat for the first while. If you are receiving outside help, (from a meeting or counsellor) they can help you stay calm, loving and focused on what you really need to do which is best in the long run. It’s like that song, “gotta be cruel to be kind”. There is a reason that parts of life hurt. She needs to know that too. You keep diving to save her, and are seriously hurting yourself and your kids in the mean time, all the while, your wife just isn’t getting it. That has to change. It’s like that time I was caught shoplifting when I was 8. My mom took me back to the store, and made me pay for the stuff I stole. I didn’t get it until I was an adult, but as I look back to the car when I was timidly going into the store, she was smiling! I was feeling the full brunt of my actions, learning a huge lesson, and she was happy. Of course I never shoplifted again. She wasn’t happy that I was scared or in pain, she was happy that I was GETTING something.
I agree with everything except “psych ward”. You know how bad those places suck. They are no more than babysitters. She’s been in about 4 or 5 differnet places over the years. We go when it hits the fan. We’re looking for help and get babsitters. I don’t know what to do?, But, on your advice I’m going to start with CODA. I do want to help her and I know I’m killing myself living this way. If this is hat it takes, I’m man enough to do it. But I HAVE to know she is going to be safe. I feel like I’m just dumping her on her family, but they are hundreds of miles away. She is going to be absolutely alone!
There is a CoDA meeting tonight at 7:00pm. Do I just show up?
Well, I certainly understand your dislike of psych wards. The one here was state of the art and the nurses were great, but it’s not a place I ever want to be again. Thank God that I’m better. If you have the money, home care might be an option for you, but I can’t be certain that there are many home care places that do psych care. Keep in mind you aren’t ‘dumping her’ on her family. Your vocabulary needs to start to change. You are saying this is “my problem, and now I’m making it your problem” Your wife is a person. Not a problem. She needs to start having some say over where she needs to go, even if you think it’s wrong. Start out as if she was a 2 year old picking out clothes in the morning. Ask, ” do you want to go and stay at this place(with family, psychatric facility etc) while I’m out, or do you want a nurse to come in?” If she’s only got 2 options, it’ll still be her choice, and that choice will empower her.
You can certainly just show up at the CoDA meeting. I’m hoping there are more meetings in a week for you to go to. Alot of support is needed, especially initially.
It’s a brave and wonderful thing you are doing for yourself and your family. It’s going to be painful, but it’s possible. I am honored to be a part of your miracle today. Thank you for allowing me into your life for a moment and I’m so happy if I was able to help, even a little.
I’m crying and hopeful for you too! but not afraid for you. It’s a great thing when you finally find your right path.
Love is only in the heart and mind of the beholder.. No matter how much intamacy or morphing of two people into one you experience it quiet honestly is only your interpretation of the experience.. I lost my soulmate two years ago and thought we were the closest couple ever on the planet, unfortunatly for me that wasnt her experience.. What we all call love is no guarantee you will stay together, but true love will live on for eternity…
Due to my time limitation I couldnt read entire post but will tommorow… One needs more time to be thoughtfully helpful..
Sounds to me you have done all you can for her to the point that you are no longer happy either. You have a right to be happy in live to.You leaving or staying doesnt seem to matter here,either way she has these problems.The children seeing there mom in this state would no be good.I would take to her doctor and get his help on how to deal with this situation and how to explain it to her.If only all husbands were that caring,she doesnt even know how lucky she is.
Wow! Sounds like you really love her. Think the best thing to do is follow Nainachic’s advice and go to the CODA meetings. Good luck with this and please keep us updated. Hope you do manage to sort out this rut that you are stuck in and that you do manage to go sailing and start to live your life.
Nainachic - some of the points you listed above matched me and my partner. I have always thou that he has never really grown up but really maybe it is codependant thing. I put my life on hold for him. He had depression and is still grieving for his mum (died about year and half ago - know grieveing process long so not bothered about that) I stopped doing all the things I liked to help him with the depression. He never makes his own mind up! not even for dinner. Kinda scary. Never thou of it like codependant thing! He is not harming me pyshically but mentally it is killing me. Only just finding myself again - realising that I do not love him. I will be leaving him soon any way but this has certainly shed some light on the situation. Thanks for your advice. You have helped me too with out even meaning too!!! lol :0)
Ditzy, I’m so glad! That’s why I like coming to this site. There is a ripple effect from every action, and it’s hard to see it in real life sometimes. Thank you for sharing that.
Wow! I take my hat off to you,Convertible Cadillac. (Love your style!) Boy, you’ve been through the wars. I’ve read the above comments on CoDependency and I agree with them. In a dysfunctional family when the entire family focuses on the unhealthiness of one person you have codependency.
Please, I encourage you to get counseling for yourself. To date your wife has not had to change because you and life have done all the accomodating around her.
A fire is never put out by pour oil on it! that’s kind of a principle of life, I think.
You have your children to care for and your own well-being–not just your wife.
Did you ever consider getting a nanny into your home to help with the kids. (word of caution–don’t get one who’s too pretty–you are very vulnerable right now yourself!) A nanny would be able to pick up the kids at school and provide family taxi-service for a year or so until you are able to sort yourself out a bit.
I encourage you to get professional help. Your lives are too interwoven–everyone is being affected by your wife’s behavior–everything has been focused on her needs while the truth is every single person in your family is negatively affected at present.
You are the main caregiver in your home–you need a life–some respite yourself away from your kids and wife after work hours. Too many massages from a beautiful woman aren’t the best answer (kidding!); you need to think longterm–
what is good for my children and myself and my wife.
Are you able to afford help? You say you are rich–seek the best counselling for good professionals for your wife and yourself. How can you continue to live with her and have a life worth living yourself.
You didn’t mention anything about your spiritual life–I have found Jesus to be the answer to every problem I have. God has blessed you financially and in wonderful ways materially, relationally through your children and your wife–but there is so much more God wants to pour into your life.
God will give you the strength to continue–to remain committed to your wife–you deserve a “hero’s badge’ in heaven–most men would have left already; however, you have chosen a higher way to honor your commitment to your marriage.
If you were married in a church in a Christian ceremony–do you understand the covenant was made not just between you and your wife.
A covenant marriage ceremony in the church is between God, a man and the woman.
God is the missing ingredient who will supply ALL OF YOUR NEEDS according to His riches and glory in Christ Jesus. Do you have a pastor friend who can help pray your family through this terrible time? Please try and find one if you don’t–because God IS faithful to His word. He will never leave, forsake or abandon you and He is jealous for marriages. Amazing emotional healings are taking place all across this world through organizations like “The Healing Rooms”. You just need to go and get prayer weekly–No charge–it’s free! and you and your wife will leave changed.
Some times the change is gradual–sometimes it’s instantaneous. I encourage you SO much to find a Spirit-filled charismatic/evangelical church that believes Jesus still heals today. The Bible says “ask and it shall be given unto you.”
God bless you, brother!
In His great and abiding love.
justanoldtiredfatlaz edited this post 2 years, 7 months ago. Read the previous text »
We’ve been married for 17 years. About 10 years ago my wife started changing. I don’t mean little things, I mean mentally ill. Major/chronic depression, bi-polar, OCD, you name it she has been “diagnosed” with it one time or another. She’s attempted suicide more times than I can remember. Then theres the self mutilation; that’s a lot of fun! Mental hospitals, diet hospitals, health spas, she’s been everywhere. New cars, houses, jewelry, 4 dogs ($3000 each!), anything she thinks that will “make her happy”. Last night she asked if she could have a tummy tuck and liposuction? Ultimately, I guess, she has a terrible self image; she thinks she’s fat? She is beautiful! Blonde hair, crystal blue eyes, porcelan skin, GREAT figure. We have two perfect children, both very healthy, athletic, artistic, creative, talented, etc. We rich too, members of the country club, beach club, dinner club, city club, have a house at the beach and one in the mountains. All along, when she asked, I helped her find the best Doctors for whatever ailment she had that day/week/month/year. I’ve been patient, caring, compasionate, I’ve bandaged her wounds for cutting herself, cleaned up her vomit from attempted overdoses, driven her to the Duke Phsyciatric hospital when she thougt “that” is the place to go for help. But now I’m being dragged down into her pit. I’ve terminated business projects so I can spend more time with her. I’ve reduced my time at my primary office. I take the kids to school and take them to sports, and pick them up from school, meanwhile neglecting my work. Our whole family is suffering. I wont even bother talking about intimacy, love, desire, passion; that is something I try to not think about because it is absolutely out of the realm of possibility. It would be nice just to have a simple tender caress, any act showing that my devotion makes SOME difference in her life. But, alas, NO! I’m alone. I’m tired. I’m….hell I don’t know. I’m sitting here in my office in tears because you are the only person I have to turn to. Yes, I though about talking to one of the Phsrinks she talked to, but I realize there is really no way out. None! My choices are very simple: stay or go. Staying is unbearable. Leaving her would almost certainly cause her to kill herself. And then there are the children to consider. So, here I am. I’ve though a few time that I should try to grab slices of pleasure wherever they fit into my life. I have managed to go to the gym 3 whole times this year!! I’m supposed to go on a business trip tomorrow. She’s really down lately, though. She’s been having dangerous thoughts for a couple days so instead of a normal trip, I’m leaving at 3:00am and driving, going to my meeting, and then driving right back home; I’ll be back around midnight. I had to make arrangements for the kids because she can’t do anything. I’m afraid to go, but I have to. I am going to take 1 hour out of my day tomorrow and get a massage from a beautiful girl. Maybe I can forget about the world just for a while? Well, I’ve only got a couple hours to work before she has to be taken to her Doctor’s appointment, then take her home, pick up from school, and maybe get back to the office for another hour before I go home and cook dinner, wash dishes, clean the house, help with home work, put the kids to bed, eat something myself then go to bed (alone in the guest room).
Anyone know a good round to use? Every site I research is committed to helping me…not do the right thing. I own a shotgun, but I’m not sure that bird-shot (?) would do the job. I don’t want to make a mistake and live. And for jeebus’s sake, these religious site parading as offering informational assistance and then sharing their stories of healing and overcoming are just making me sick. If this forum is not about dying, but about living, then I apologize, and please delete this post as soon as possible. Thanks - Me
HelpBot
old531
tishwoodrocks
nainachick
aeolian mode
BANCHEE
Ditzy
holly eden
waitingforrepl