not quite sure what to say here.
I a strong minded 40 yr old bloke, with pride and passion but nobody including the small family know the real me. The me that is always kept behind closed doors, the me that has feelings, the me that can be hurt and does perhaps want to crumple up in a ball and just leave this place.
I have just this weekend returned from a family wedding, a time of happiness and smiles, a time of celebration, whilst i am happy for my brother who has found the happiness and joy he deserves, all i could think about was how people where judging me and watching me, how alone i felt. At family events, whilst i am not truly family as my parental connection to the family passed away some years back, I always end up being the general gofer, spending the weekend driving people around, running errands. Sometime not even allowing myself enough time to go and tend to my mothers grave side plot. During the 5 hour drive home I actually didn’t want to return home, there is nothing and nobody here for me, my so called friends only ever get in touch when they want something because they generally know that i wont say no to helping anybody out. Even my ex girl friends do it, phone or text me and tell me how naff their day or night is, but then when things are good for them they are out on the town having fun and getting a little drunk whilst I’m sat at home wondering why i have done to end up this way, locked away from people as much as possible because people don’t like who or what i am.
Am i truly odd just wanting a little happiness and perhaps even a little luck for once in my life so that I’m not working 18hrs a day alone in my cellar just to pay the bills.
I am sorry, having read the above back to myself several times now, all i seem to be talking about is me. I’m now sat here thinking how selfish this is of me as my problems should be my problems and i should deal with them on my own. Hope you will forgive me for having taken up your time.
Since writing this post maninabatcav may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. maninabatcav is a verified member, has been around for 1 year and has 1 posts and 8 replies to their name.
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