This is going to be long…
I was pregnant with my second child… but the heart just quit. Stopped. At thirteen weeks, my pregnancy was over, my baby was dead. Three days later I was in the OR for a D&C and shipped home with pain meds and a list of do’s and don’ts. On Monday, I will go back to the doctor, I assume for a check up and more information. I am being well cared for medically. I am just so sad. I know I should be grateful, at least I have a child, a beautiful little five year old who is wonderful in every way. That just makes it worse. All I can feel is a mixture of guilt for not being grateful, guilt that I complained about morning sickness when I should have been praying for a healthy baby, guilt that I failed as a parent, sadness that I won’t have a new baby, sadness that this happened, sadness that my husband is sad too. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about this. I took a week off from work right after, then came back and pretended everything was fine. But it’s not. I put on a face at work, or when I’m with my friends. But I also put on a face at home, for my husband. He’s sad too and I don’t feel like I should burden him with my own feelings. I feel like I can’t let my child see me sad either. I feel like if I told anyone how I felt they would just feel awkward. My mother just keeps repeating the litany of “things happen for a reason” so I don’t talk to her anymore about it. I just try to put on a good face. But sometimes it just seeps out and the tears start going and I can’t help it, because I’m so disappointed, and hurt, and guilty, and well. There it is. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to move on or be me again. All I know is that I’ve never felt so lost in my life. At work the other day, a family came in with their precious little baby and the feelings just crashed around in my head and I had to go hide in the bathroom so I didn’t let anyone see me cry. I feel devastated. I also want so badly to try again, but I’m afraid it’s the wrong thing to feel because you can’t replace what was lost, which compounds the guilt even more. I am also afraid of ever trying to have a kid again because this feels so bad I don’t know I can go through it again. I’m sorry to burden everyone but I just don’t know what to do, or how to get through this.
Since writing this post jh145912 may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. jh145912 is a verified member, has been around for 4 years, 4 months and has 87 posts and 744 replies to their name.
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